Telescope

Forced to sleep on a broken bed
With springs unwound
As wild thoughts clamber through my head
The mattress sinking
As I lay blinking
Thinking about what was never found.


The peeling ceiling, as paper petals
Float down to the ground
Though more like nettles
I should feel their sting
But here's the thing
My hands are numb to their scratching sound.


The moon sits breathing
I see it, in it's glory round
A shadowed sun, without the grieving
Of it's long lost light
It's lacks the fear of night.
It bathes in darkness bright
And that's what I want.

The mattress sinking

As I lay blinking

Thinking about what was never found.

Cathedral - II

I rose from benches hard yet fair

And towards the dais I saw you, at the door

I walked fast, but when I arrived there

It seemed empty, as before.

I followed where I thought you went

And found myself in scattered rays

Of smiling sunshine sadly spent

On enlightening abruptly the simpletons ways

They ran for joy amongst the grass

And the younger ones, I saw them kick

A football, to and fro amongst their class

As the builders flourished brick by brick

I asked them why they would care to fix

The crumbling tower, fallen before

They laughed and said it could not occur

That luck would not confuse them with her tricks

That loneliness was the only thing that they thought more

Of, for when I asked who was to be send up

Inside that granite god, they shook their heads

And reached inside, their leather boots, only to find

A scrap of paper, stained and strewn, which they gave to me

And they turned their backs and continued to mix

The potion strong, yet soft and weak

And before I had a chance to speak

I heard a whistle, loud and clear

And almost for an entire second I saw a leak

Of something which I could call fear

Dripping from their work-worn ears.

I saw them walk in the direction,

Of a simple house, yet with affection

The mothers they took up their children

Who walked away from their games without such as a tear.

Intrigued by their lack of opposition, I too

Made towards the monotonous mountain of grey.

Only to be shocked, to see you as you preach.

Of things too impossible, to silence or say.

Red

The thought tears through my carbon-copied skin
And burns all the fires I thought I'd be in.
I can feel the pressure pulling,
The pleasure lulling,
Like caramel blood resting on the tip of my tongue
Too sweet to swallow,
Too sticky to follow.

It clings to your poison touch,
Your razor softness doesn't hurt as such,
But drags itself along my neck
And just a speck
Of dried decay, the toxic sigh
Which runs from my lips,
The stakes too high,
So I salute the sips,
And they seal the tips.

In my misty hour, I wish to feel
To hold onto that broken scar
But all I can feel is the unspoilt ache
The knife has healed too much.
My hope seems to have run too far.

And suddenly, the sun is high.
I don't try to reach for it.
It's just an impossible brightness.
Shining strong. After a while,
I have to hide my eyes, and then
The rest of me.
The tainted torch in the sky.
Holding me with tantalizing tightness.
I try to break from it.
But I only break.

Cathedral - I

I breathed your name on the groggy glass

And looked out through the letters into what's left of my journey

At some points I had passed the hills, not too steep to climb

I must have closed my eyes as the rivers wound their way around

But I sank deep into my seat, the constant rattling reminded me

That I had a place to be, and that drowning my knees in half-shallow water

Could do nothing but hold me back.

And then, when it was my time to leave, I took my chains

And brought them with me. I shook them, a wailing version of binded bells

A call to a sermon that no-one heard.

I sat on the pews

As my breath became foggy, and then faded fast

I could feel the etched names under my fingers,

Boredom on the boards

Letters to no-one

I feel the same.

Looking up towards that tainted light.

I could see in colour.

But everything was too painted.

And still I long for the way you shone

Like no other.

20:25

So quickly like a summer breeze
You came and brushed your touch against my cheek
I looked up, wrapped in a clinging carcass
Which used to be my comfort
And all I could make out from the shaking smoke
Pleading in the sunshine
Was the lasting lack, the thought
That something was missing.

Flicker

The memory it shakes me, an aftershock which
Takes me through the shattered glass, and cuts through
My thought and through my feeling till all that's left
Are faint red lines, broken scars, hurt never healing
And what is lost cannot be found, though
I still know that still it hides
And what is left's been tossed aside
You run from me, dodging in and out
Of stalling cars, I couldn't be
More left behind, and yet so far ahead
Seeing you fade in and out between
The concrete canvas, and soon
You're swallowed up,

But with a hand on my heart
And regret pounding through my head
I scream towards the closing walls
And I remember.

Displacement

I hold you close, yet you crumble into tears
Like stone, your ice hands fumbled through the years
Words you had to say, but stuck, set
In concrete, burning under the cooling rain.
But we laid down those foundations,
We decided when it was time to stay.

I stand corrupted. Never open, never closed
I take a letter to your door, and you say you're
Not there. I wish I had more patience.
But yet I stood too silently. And now no-one knows
That my idleness has been interrupted.

There's nothing left I can do.
Nothing I can sacrifice.
I just wish you knew how brutally you'd opened my eyes.

I see too much too soon.
I wander, lost.
The never-ending pavements sing to me
Fairytales of smoke. I sit on them
Grieving, for someone who never was.

And always I wondered, what it would be like.
To live a life without the spite in your eyes,
To not be scared of your thunder, to
Be brave enough to tear apart
The very earth on which I fall again.
Not be haunted by the storm,
Who caresses me with his pain.

But today. I drowned in quicksand happiness
I can only hold my breath for so long.
Before having to accept it into my lungs,
My heart, the very core of my being

I just don't want to.
But there has never been anyone's hand to hold.
Nothing to miss. And nothing I've been told
Has ever taught me how to swim.
There has never been an ocean which I've been in.
You've suddenly thrown me in the sea
I'm frozen, but not used to cold
I'm glass, but have not seen through transparency
I'm long gone, but not used to the old
I'm unattached, unbound, unchained, unwound
Unjoined, untouched, unattained, unsound
But never free. And I have never thought it
But I'm so scared
Of losing the only thing I have
My purity.

Warm me up

I hurt myself again today
I heard them, even though they had nothing to say
Finally, pushed outside, though never in
I guess there's only me to blame.

I paint myself on paper, in bright shades of grey
Dull. I rip it up, again and again,
As my anger takes my hands
And takes me by it's wonder.

A feeling never felt before.
I guide my fists through the poor
I don't want to see them anymore.

Leave me, just don't let me think.
Rather sit alone again on that hill
With eyes so far, and mouth so dry
As I distance myself from the lullaby

My voice is sore from all the singing
Help me. But you can't hear it. I'm singing--
I hurt myself again today

I heard them, even though they had nothing to say

1979

I take the pages of the book and
Hold them close. The scent of
Promises, self written, but still promises,
Clouds the words, and I read them all wrong.

There is a space in my mind.
A space for rent.
No use to me, and I have realised
Maybe it's best to just let someone else
Have a go.

Like having a kitchen without knowing how to cook
Like having a fishing rod but losing the hook
Like owning the sun, but not being able to look.
Like understanding how much of my life you took.

All I needed, was a drop of ink
Lying blood falling, lying breath stalling
And I grasped it by the hurt.
And steered it into first, an unimaginable
Crying speed, on and on and on and on

But
Soon, I run out.
And my thoughts, they skid
To a halt. Now, lost in a world
Which I have no recollection of.

I check the map; must have misread the signs.
I fell in the trap. Made up whatever I wanted
In between the lines. But who could I kid.
It just so happens that I imagined the water
Flowing out of what used to be a tap.
Now rusting away...I want to
Get rid of the things I have seen
To re-plan my route, to retake my turn
To unspeak what I have spoken.
But what I know, it fuels the burn
And soon blackened coal once again
Will tower above.
I must cut it out of myself
If at all possible, I know, so obscene.
But from now on I'll keep my heart clean.
Need to break out of the impression
(Or else in this fuming world I'll choke)
That there can be fire without smoke.

Mental Shipwreck

He sits on island, cold and small

The waves they seep through the gray

And paint a picture devoid of  blue

Which is strange, as the clouds they appear

To have run away from the brightness of day

The sand it solemnly weaves its way

And cuts through the land like broken glass

A river unwound, it's water not found

You can follow it's lack, if you wish

But slowly the footprints wain and become hollow.

The trees they shake, with the strength of dull winds

And the leaves they fall, like casual curses to the ground

But soon they will be covered by the drift

And all that's left will be all that's past.

If you like, you can try to live there

But your net will only catch drowning fish

Your ears will only hear sinking swallows

And soon all you knew will vanish in the rift

Like a dream, quickly fading.

But only if, he could awaken.

Coarsely he cries, his tears rough cowardice

Brushing against his world

Take his hand, if you dare.

But if you think he can feel yours,

Then you're mistaken.

Trapped in Love

Fingers crawl towards the door
Don't want to be here anymore.

Too used to the burn who licks
Away, at the sea of hope
Soon, nothing left but dry
As the smoke leads me into an empty
Ocean, where I believed there
To be warmth.

Too used to the laughter which
Hides the silence deep inside
And now all out of freshly cried tricks
How can my heart be so poor
My mind so rich?

I live inside a house of gold,
To soon declared strong enough to stand
Pure neglected insanity
Keeps my icy bitterness cold
Enticed by the vanity

I wandered inside, so blissfully
Oh! My life, it seemed so grand
But too soon, I realized
That it was only bare
On the inside

And then when I try to leave
My thoughts they flail and then I switch
And on the walls I paint profanity
And then I sit, I cry, I grieve

I make my own war
And then I fight it peacefully.
I run paralyzed,
My blindness transfixed,
On the cure

My soul bewitched
But by what exactly, I'm not sure.

early mornings

the memories call, their song a piercing shriek
through my mind.
soon, i am awake, but my dreams they reek
of realities that i must have at some point
hoped i could somehow create.

the brightness burns beside me
and i can see the shadow of myself
reflected on my pillow
so empty, yet all of who I am

too soon to slowly pick myself up
i'd rather stay here. roll around
in the dry sheets
trap myself in their simple rustling melodies
the rare creak of a spring

it's a wonderful thing
at times like these i have the ability
to lay ignorant to everything
and just pretend to close my eyes
and close my ears
and close my mind
to all but that drifting sound

but it runs, oh you run
with such agility
with my heart in your hands
you take, yet you bring
the only calm I have ever known
that might--
in some small way
help to bridge the silent gap
my words, and their warning
between the late nights
i pretend there'll be light
i hope there will be morning

Red Tape

I'm done with it.
I'll take your knife and cut my strings

And no longer will your puppet sing.
You say you made me
But simply, forbade me

From letting loose

And setting for the winds.

Of course, yourself, 

An abandoned child

Too little, too late
What a grand shame it must have been

To see, all you have striven to have seen
In you, but voila, here it is
The empty plate

The heavy crate
Too much for your small hands to bear

Well guess what: no-one cares.

You're about as useful as 

A box full of air.

(And about as substantial too)
And before, I wouldn't dare

To have told you the truth

But now, it's time you knew

People don't hesitate

To look down upon you

And the immediate image you create

Is genuinely something that I think they hate

A salivating soldier devoid of a mind

A segregated sigh, an android confined

To it's own little space in it's own little world

It can think this through, 

And as it sinks, I do too

But only to thrust the hurt deeper

And how it squeals like a little weeper

You cry for help

My arms wrapped around your neck

One long lasting embrace

One last kiss laid on your face.

Don't worry, you're not hard to replace.

Too much for your small mind to bear?

Go on, just keep on screaming into empty space.

You watched as I did the same

Your hand of God came crashing down

Next time you chose to throw a chair

You said I was a disgrace

And soon your vampire lips began to drown

As you and jealousy begun your affair

You scream into the empty space

Well guess what: no-one cares.

Sonnet

Every word has a voice, every letter a sound
I thought that by keeping them to myself
I could keep my eyes set on the ground
But still they rise, filled with the wealth
Of the truth. The burning knife, the smoking ice
Which was so solidly pushed inside, but like the air
I tried to hide, and vanished, like a sinner I paid the price
And you, like an indifferent god, ignored my prayer,
Ripped a hole in my shadow, so brutally, now I’m broken
Wilting in the silence of the sunlight
And I sit alone on this edge, tears unspoken
Emotions not woken, wings too tired to take flight.
But still I can feel your touch on my heart.
Impossible. Love’s keeping us apart.