No-One

This story will never have an end.

I will laugh, smile, and pretend

That things will be OK, and another day

I shall leap into the air with apparent

Joy and nothing will become of the

Tears I bled last night

For if noone is there to hear you screaming

Do you make a noise?

The days will go and nights will

Pass and I sit upon the windowsill

As I try to imagine how very hard

It must be to make a start

On such vile reality

And yet old on and not fall outside

For if noone is there to see you crumble

Do you feel pain?

I take the sadness in my stride

And I can feel the tears I've cried

And tried to take my own side

But I cannot.

For if the entire world

Were to read this today

But you did not

I would die away

And rather be forgot

For if all the people

That have loved and lost

Knew me in such a way

They would not know

How I possible feel

For I love, and yet I lose

Everyday.

Secrecy

The letters which I will never send

Will be waiting to be read

By someone who cannot understand

My language

The songs I will never sing

Are waiting to be heard

By someone deaf to the mourning

Of something alive

Yet so far away

It may as well be gone forever

This time I tell myself

That I shall be strong

And hold on

But when everything is taken

Away from me

What can I hold on to

The past is slowly escaping

My eyes are slowly

I close the thought of it

And I close the diaries

Of someone who will never

Be understood by anyone

Apart from

Someone who will never want to read them.

Youlogy

I wish I could hear again

The once softness of your voice

With these unworthy ears

The invisible glass.

The words in black and white

Upon my tongue

Spew colour when you appear

The ghost who I wish will never

Cease to haunt me

Your eyes shine

And it begins once again

The rush of brightness

And then I put the photo

Down again

My screams lament

For the past

Which we know

Can never return to us

I wish to fall now

Through the clouds

Back onto my silence

And redeem myself

By crying into the pillow

Where your head once lay

Before you died to me.

Genesis

I only know

That you

Are what keeps me together

And you make me fall apart

This life is so inclined

To leave me behind

Without your love

If I were to decline

The past and take it

With me to your door

Would you see me anymore

Or just the one I used to be

Held by nothing always free

For now my fear

Of

What you'd think of me

Makes me want to lock

The walls upon my heart

And steal the souls

And make a start

On a new life where I would not be

Anywhere near you

But sometimes I feel like

Our roads will always collide

And I am the moon

Always cast in shadow

Reflecting your light

Upon my life

And if I could be

Anything

Anyone

Something to make you

See how much you mean to me

I would shed myself

Upon your lies

And we'd live together

In sacrifice

Book

Oh how many nights I cried

For the deepness of the hurt

And the butterflies slowly stopped and tried

And then the pages became slurred

I can only read what has been written

And why do you speak in tongues

For the mouth that has been bitten

Can never speak no more

My path is still winding

Up the mountains far away

I cut the shortest route

And the lines become blurred

A Break From Writing...

Ok fine, I admit it. I didn't religiously follow the sheet music, because a) I didn't have it near me, and b) I always like to put a bit of myself in the music I play.

Too Far Away

OK then, this is it

For time shall become hope

And the second hand shall stop

And so shall my heart

I break through

The past and try to

Redeem my excuses

But the point is still standing

Whilst I fall to the floor

I fail once more

Help me find the door

The way that will guide me

Away from this grey and then

I will be able to breathe

Another day

But for now I must keep

Inside my desires

I want this page

To turn once more

And for once for it not

To be blank followed by

Words I cannot understand

Hold my heart by the hand

And take me on an adventure

One I will never forget

But one I can only ever

Dream Of

Three.

Dear Diary

I'll try and be smiley from now on, k! I have so much coursework as well, I mean, why did I take science AND maths! No free time at all this weekend. Not like I would do anything with it, but well, the fact that it's there would help a little bit, y'know.

But like, some people are doing like quadruple maths, and they have less work than me. My mum always tells me I work too much, which is really weird, because apparently other rents tell their kids to work more. Is it so wrong to like work sometimes?

I mean, I would rather not bisect with a compass, but what choice do I have. Anyway, we have a cool day out with my bio class to collect insects and stuff on Wednesday! I'm really excited, I've got my whole coach music video playlist ready!

I don't really like little insecty watery things though, they're a bit icky though. We have to examine them later though. Which I suppose is better than just looking at them and assuming, I mean, sure, they aren't really like us, but we cant just treat them like shit because of it! Our bio teachers quite nice though, he actually knows my name! I mean, it really isnt that hard,

M-A-T-T.

It isn't even foreign. Well, its short for Matzycia, but still! I mean, just take away the last bit, and say the first thing that comes into your head. Jesus, people do it with other things, but not with names.
I finished my history essay last night though. I like history, I can really get into it,cos you know, I know it's already happened, and there's nothing to worry about, because its not something that's like variable. It's always there, and always will be.

But I wish sometimes

That they would look behind the fringe
And deep into my eyes
And see what lies deep inside

And see through all of the lies

The blades will reflect away

The light

Which I try so hard to hide

From

My dear diary

As much as I love

Being the one who's being led

Away from all the pain

I wish I could say all

Of this

To someone I could call a friend

Instead

Two.

Always

I always get too far away from the garden

And now msn has bloody d/ced. I was having a real important convo aswell, Izzy was just telling me about her Jess and Alec got together at Laila's rave, which was shit of course, because its Laila, and her parents are like, well asian, and nearly caught us.

But still.

"Ms. Sanderson.."
"Umm...I, I was just-"
"Daydreaming eh. Only dreams Ms Sanderson, remember that."
"Yes Mrs Suella"

Fucking bitch, she always picks on ME, I swear! I can't DO french OK,all that Je ai, and tu suis crap, I dont understand, I mean, I don't see why there are two ways of "being"something, surely thats just a pile of bullcrap!
I have PE 4th though, which is OK, as I finally get to see Addie failing at the 800 metres. I mean, she looks like a balloon on legs. She actually asked out Ollie Grzybowksi. I mean, OLLIE. I thought she was asking him for some food or something. I mean, she's always "ill", and she sits next to him in form, and he's always helping her get up cos she's weak apparently.

It's not his fault she can't even stand up on those two fat logs she dares to call legs. She dared to come to prom last year in a dress. I mean, her, female, is that a JOKE! And sure, I made her cry, But I only said she looked like Susan Boyle in the finals of BGT, which she did for god'ssakes!! She was fucking prom queen aswell. She isn't even the right gender I swear!

And anyway
"oioi, did you hear that Bella tried to get off with Ollie last night?"
"What dya say Laila Floprav--Oh, I mean fallopian?"
Yeah that's right skank. Turn and walk away. Everyone, and I mean everyone, even GUYS try to get off with Ollie. That's how beautiful he is. And then you have that Laila whatever her fucking last name is talking about him as if he's some sorta mortal. He IS God, I swear. Woahh, talk of the fit devil and so he app-
"Get this right. That fat whore Addie actually asked me out. I mean, I already help her get off her massive ass anyway, but this, you shoulda seen the look on her morbidly obese face, Oh, hey Jenna-"
He said hi, to ME.
"I know right, Addie is just SO ugly. I mean it's like cheryl cole was morphed with an amo--amee--ameeba!"
"Haha, good one Jenna"
He laughed, at my joke.

"I mean, she's nearly as big as our solar system times the mass of her parents!"
Oh god, they're all laughing.

"Maybe Jenna, you could hang around with us at lunch, you're a funny gal"
Oh gods yes.

Shit, I'm late for games.
"Sure Ollie, see you soon!"

Why isnt that fat bitch here! Who am I gonna make fun of now! What if Ollie doesn't want me anymore?
"Misss...where's Addie?"
"She's not in."
Ms Walkers always smiling, why not now?
"When IS she coming in?"
"Oh Jenna, I'm so sorry, but Addie passed away last night of pancreatic cancer"

When the world is a place

Where I can be

The good or the bad

I will only see

How much pain

And suffering

Will carry on in my mind

After the ones I am cruel to leave

And I

The true fatty,

Am left behind

One

"For god's sake Jack, can't you just jump over it!"

"Maybe if you decided not to rip my fucking shirt I would, but I'm not going to let it get any more messed up, I mean, for fu-"
"So you would rather stay here and look good. Then finally get away?"
"You, know that's not how I feel, it's just, imagine what Joe would think if-"
"Do you know what Jack, piss off. I'll go without you, dya hear!"

The wind is mourning the death of something that was never alive. The sky, bland, tasteless. One could taste the bitterness of departure in the stale poignant air. The grass is dry. And Jack knows.

"Listen, do you think maybe, I should just stay?"
"What the hell Jack. What the hell. Are you shitting me, after ALL this time, you just want to -"
"It isn't that easy-"
"JUST GO AND FUCK JOE, WHY DON'T YOU!!"

It's hard to choose a path sometimes. And the fence seemed to loom higher over Jack and his friend. As the clouds were lowered by the fallen angels in the heavens below. Puppets controlled from below.

"Fine."
"What?!"
"I said fine. You can run away to fucking wherever you want to. But I'm staying here"
"Living the lie, but you PROMISED Jack, you PROMISED we would do this together, you PR-"
"I can't leave Jo-"

"SHE HATES YOU! AND SHE HATES ME, AND ALL SHE WANTS JACK, ALL SHE WANTS IS TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU DONT' L-"

Tears rain from her eyes.

"Shut up. Just go."

The words are acid from the fountain. They take over all pureness in their path. It seems time has stopped. And with all this, Jack says his final words to her.

"I would rather live a lie

Then die

With an essence of the pain

Which loneliness will bring

If I do sing

My lament for the past

And so these are my last:

Be what I could never be

And wipe away your tears

For with emotion one can never see

What shall come in future years"

I Kinda Get Pissed Off After The 110th Time This Happens

For when others have found their one over two

I am still looking for one half of you

And when others have been where I want to see

I realise that you will never see me

When I am waiting, and the sun shines no more

Though I can see your windows, there is no door

When I miss-place, my time, my life

And I feel like a broken heart in outer space

Floating away from my other one over two

Won over you

My dreams will have to

Do what others so

I dont intoxicate

I rate

With eyes as sharp as grecian plates

Of armour to protect me

Though words will break free

And will be

Downfall of my hope

Is not something I can cope

Without you living is not life

And diamonds become stone once more

Stronger than any

I was always told to listen

To my heart

As time goes by

I begin to wonder if ever

The cradle of my joy

Will fall off the tree of eden

And when the sin will come over

And I shall be tempted so

For the apple's of my tree

Are nothing more than poison

On this day I know that

I will defeat the sun once more

But the skies shall soon become black

And myself will finally be me

I can feel the darkness

Where noone can see noone

And everyone is everyone

The lies which I will

Complete in this tiny segment

Of the pause

Are simply the truths

Which noone else

Will ever dare to say

Which is why I would rather listen to truth

Than my heart anyway.

1

When I am a flower

And the bees are all wasps

And I am lost in the shower

Of all things bright

When I am a bird

And the rest are all still

I will fly forever

And the light cannot take me

When my water

Is the river of emptiness

And five thousand years of rain

Will make it lack still

This is the face of flaws

And the skies are open

And the eyes are open

And their mouths are open

Screaming

What is the

I feel just like

I hide beneath my skin

Preparing my heart for the loss

Of identity

Many times

My eyes have been tired

But I must keep on looking

Help me run away from

This shadow

Of me

The words are all

Pieces of my soul

Waiting for someone

To finally understand

And bring back myself

10 times heavier

This is the corner

Of the page that says

Please turn over

A new leaf is what

Is needed here

So I'll be brief

And shed less tears

I point

To the point

And your face is clear

My doors are dead

And my walls I fear

When It Happens To You

When all the tears have been cried

And the understanding in my heart

Means

And the lies have all been lied

And what is left of mehdi has been

Torn apart

When there is no sign of pain

But inside there is the burning soul

And the perfect impurity

Strikes again

I wish to dig my heart a

Whole

When all that could have been lived anew

And the white innocence is stained with truth

The thought of you

Is all the excuse

I need

My hands are on the emptiness

The embrace of

Nothing is

Anymore.

My hope is flying away from me

The staying remnants

I keep locked within

If I were a rose

Then a violet would be you

Purple yet blue

Nothing I knew.

If I were a rose

I'd just like to say

I would change my colours

To be with you

Anyday

Hey look, it's everyone's favourite lullaby...

Don't we all love twilight?

One Year

It has been one year.

And somehow.

My laughter is louder now.

The autumn

Falling leaves

Falling tears

I felt colder

Than ever before

The winter

The ice

My heart

The darkness

Consumed me

The spring

The blossoms were poison

And the rain seemed like

It would never end

The summer

So many times I was tested

But I prevailed.

And I know now why

And I know

I will be cold no more.

For all the broken souls

This for you

Look backwards onto the white butterflies

Freedom

The broken rose

The cherished flowers

Will never leave your heart.

Look now upon your own beauty

Which someone will realise

And your glass half empty

Will be full at last

It has been one year

Since the sorrows of silence

And the beginning of the new

The empty CD cases

I need no longer

As I have my own song

We grow stronger for tomorrow

Though we can't stop the rain

We will win over our sorrows

And we live to hope again

Clouds

The colours are freely flowing

Through the trees and through the leaves

They paint a picture of what it is

To be in love

Higher and higher you fall into it

Until the smallest shade

The stars are

What they want to be

The time is

Just

Enough

This is what perfection can cause.

The small circles are in the distance

And slowly slowly they leave you

Alone

at last

Last year maybe so.

But not wanted this time.

One plus one plus one plus one

Eventually becomes two

And eventually

too much

The last of the first

And the second it ends

Is what you need

So look up

And see

Maybe colour isn't what you want to be

Grey

Is not in the rainbow.

But it's shades

Are all else.

Name

There are so many out there
This I know
Like beads of liquid happiness

A single strand of hope is needed

The ocean is a myth

And the sky is a lie

But what we could have

Can make us fly

This is not in the playbox

The shapes are always imperfect

But I know

That there will be one

The holding on is a rope

And the fall is ecstasy

I need the burn

Of what could be

And the face of it

Shall be victory

Though behind my smile

Lays the sadness

Of a neglected voice

Drowned out by the sorrows

Of your tears

And your fears

But

All I ever wanted

Is you

And together

We would bring the happiness together

And with our strand of hope

I will wipe away your tears

And your beauty shall shine away

Your fears

No matter what the future is.

I know.

Our sun will always shine.

Inside.

A new

Autumn Leaves

The room is suddenly colder now

I lean back into the warmth of predictability

Like those nights long ago

Where travelling was a breeze between mountains

I want to undelete

The deleted messages

The doors are closed more so

Than ever before

The rain is scattering against the glass

I spread out on the cold floor

The dead leaves are falling away

From the life inside

And I reach out

But even with the softest touch

You'll be crushed

iLife

This is mine.

And yours truly.

My life is ruled

And yet unruly

This tale is told

And yet not true

Until I find

the truth with you.

These broken lines cannot confine

The flow of lies which you cannot hide

And you cannot be what you want to be

For I can see the truth has broken thee

Crawl into a cold cold space

The hole where your heart should be

And stay there forever, and yet once more

Forget about me so easily

I am here.

And yet I am gone.

The sun sets

On this winter sonne

And the sky is grey

And there is no day

Where I cannot remember

The winters of yours

I am the match to your candle

At once

Flare into life

And then die down

As you crush me

This getting too much.

Then how about a touch.

As the moons come flooding back

And the years melt into gold

Or so me

A blind lover

Is told.

Thoughts

When the window is too far away to close

I take the cold on my face

As I walk around the place

The sky is looking down on me

And I count the stars

Their names I have forgotten

Too many

Too many

The moon is grim

I take my hand

And block it out

Though I know it's there.

When the liar is the one who knows

I become the ears to their truths

For I am the fireplace on the winter night

Still

There

Waiting for someone to look into my heart.

This is the story of the ice cold

Finding the key to the age old

Secrets of shining armour

Only to realise the mistake

amour

And when I finally close the window

The breeze stops

And although I am warm

I can feel the cold of loneliness.

Courage

Full volume is never enough to block out the truth

The words are blades in the bathroom

Watching

Waiting

The ipod shuffles

Your feet edge closer away

I can hear it from your ears

I can see it in your tears

I can feel it in your breath

The green light is closer

To the zebra

You

Crossing

No grey areas

Black or white

You choose.

Wrong one

You lose.

Everything.

The murky floors hide

From you

Nothing you can be

Nothing can you be

You can be nothing

Tear out the words from your eyes

And face the true music

But tell me

Would you be yourself

Just for one day

Just for me.

Smallprint

When all is said and done

And the joys of life are next to none

And hope is burned by the morning sun

And home is a place which from you run

And the future seems too far ahead

And the wings are broken for you to spread

And the sky becomes a crimson red

And when your eyes are filled with tears

As you remember all those years

With the fears

And as liquid sorrow flies away

As my brushes away the pain

You will live to fight another day

And be happy you can feel hurt

Again.

Run

It takes time

For anything to last.

You woulda thought

But noone does anymore.

Nothing is wrong.

And yet,

Nothing is right.

Is closeness an issue?

I don't know

How far

I am willing to go.

How much

I am willing

To sacrifice

My identity?

Or even worse

Who they want me to be.

If I am in a grey area.

Then I am red.

If I am on the floor.

Then I'm in my bed.

If I am in the sea.

Then birds swim with me.

I want it

How it's meant to be

I won't

Catch the first thing

That is thrown at me

As I said.

Time is nothing.

But love says

it is never too late.

Then please.

Forget.

So I can too.

Never Too Late

Time is nothing

When you are here.

I want the seconds back

If I had kept the label

That so many others put on you

Then I could refund

Return

Exchange

But I was foolish enough to take it off

And make you a person

Not part of people.

I shouldve realised

That there was no point

I shouldve realised

What was said

Is, and was

Always said for a reason

Second chances became third

And I became last

And place became nothing

Of importance to you.

I want it back now

The judge

I want you to know

That all the shit was true

And there was no you

Only a piece

Of the bigger picture

In which I was cut out

By an unfortunate truth

Of humanity

I still am cut out.

But I am willing

Once again

To be the victim

Of thousands of nights

Where alone and yet not

With you by my side

And as much as I

Will try to hate

My love for you

Tells me

It's never too late

Evidence

Let me take away one good thing

From all of this shit you've left me in.

Even if it's those crappy days

Where you didn't give a toss about

What I said

Or what I did

As long as I was there.

More for me than for you.

I would've lost it

All of what I thought I had left

Of my heart

But when people take pieces

Without saying

Soon you'll find that there's

Nothing left

Mehdinabox

You know when you're failing

When your life is leaving you behind

I want to burn my diaries

And start afresh

Where is the key to the cold red box

Mehdinabox?

Let me open it.

The first sonnets should be torn apart.

As it is what you did with my heart.

The black book.

My tax for you.

Pays for nothing.

The page.

Of happiness.

I cannot read the words

They fade in between the lines

Something you could never read

The leaf

With all the names

Of those who mean most

Let go Mehdi

And let it fly away.

Just keep the empty box.

Hold it close.

The memories are too much to handle

Give me a room

And I shall fill it with nothing

As it is what I do best.

But with you in that room.

The box is filled.

To the brim.

Not with the past.

But with now.

And for once.

I don't want it all to go away.

Personal

For my lies only.

I want to travel a million miles

Away from the printed sheets

Away from the ones I meet

Away from the people who make it feel

Like what is wrong is nothing right

And what is right

Is nothing wrong

I simply want a leaf from your book

I don't care what the others say

You'll be amazing anyway

Because I feel that I am lost

In your embrace forevermore

And what I say here

Is lost or ignored

By all but you

Decipher my words

And then perhaps

The numbers that are riddled around

Inside your head

Will lose themselves

And the sunshine will appear

For my lies only.

Power Empathy

How would you feel

If you were the one who you made cry

With your sandpaper heart?

My words are the knife into the truth

I keep your diary pages close

But your hate even closer

Scared to go to school today

The sharp comments cut

A hole in my honesty

Lies erupt

As dawn says

Dear fatty

If you want ugliness

Look in the mirror

I wanted to give you a smile

But your mouth is blackened with vile.

Take out your voice box

And be silent

All these insults

Everything is silly?

Understand?

No, neither do I.

I don't understand why we have to be this way.

Enrollment

The pencil sharpenings are thrown away

Little pieces of colour

Gone

They just seem too insignificant to remain

But if you piece them all together

Then you'll realise how beautiful they are

Alone

Nothing.

I want to dig my heels

Into someone's heart

And tie myself to their will.

The same old day

The old way

The mirror still mocks me

The writing on my wall

Painted over with things

New and shiny

They distract me for a while

Though I want to pick at it

So many coats of paint on the truth

I hope it stays hidden forever.

I should be smiling.

But half and nothing don't make a whole.

Unless it's one in my heart.

The eyes peer out from under

The floors

They take me by surprise

I fall so high

It feels like flying.

Flutter Byes.

Paper plane passes.

Flying pencil sharpenings.

Though I fail.

And I shall tell you why.

There are no A*s-Cs in love.