Evening

I am standing

On the edge

One year has passed me by

If I do not jump

There is no hope 

I cannot fly

If I do not jump

There is no risk

I cannot die

Yet I have always wanted

The hands to stop

And lay me still

Within myself

Tears on the brink

My words are cold

My ship will sink

Your ears grow old

Of what I think

My touch is ice

My arms will fall

And pay the price

For embracing somethng

That was never there at all

My tears are glass

A path they cut

Through my life

My tears have passed

The doors are shut

My smiles are gray

My words are said

And on this day

My heart is dead

My laughs are not

What, they used to be

True happiness, they have forgot

As you

Have forgotten me

 

After

And though there is sadness in my smile
There will always be laughter in my tears
I no longer must wait through the years
I no longer sit in the darkness of denial

Although the light shines so brightly
At first it hurts my eyes and soul
I no longer need the cold to keep me whole
I no longer wonder and wallow nightly

My hands are still empty
And my heart is still full
And of joy, there is plenty
And of hurt, there is still

Enough to keep me going
Enough to keep me strong
Enough to keep me knowing
What I should have known all along

Maybe I am wrong
But I can still feel
That we could belong
But opened wounds can heal

And soon I will forget
Though lying on the bare floor
And the past, I should never regret
As you can never change before

And as much as I may cry
My tears are only for your
Happiness and so I ask why
And I can no longer ignore

My heart is not for myself
Anymore
And if there is one
That can bring a smile upon your face
I care not if my soul is sore
Your happiness is better than none


Although nothing can replace
The simple beauty
Of your embrace

The End

Always the same.

When I think
That there are no more tears
To be cried

I cry emptiness instead.
What's left of my heart
Has now fled.

I tried,
To overcome my fears

But now hope is gone.
My smile has died.
And only lies will carry on
For the truth
Burns me inside.

Life seems so wrong.
Only silence can sing my song.

The light in your eyes
Which once made me strong
How could I even sacrifice
Something I never had
All along

It is coming to an end
But yet I know
I can never let go
And I wish for you to go
As I will never mend.

The Choice

I hold in my hands
A tiny spark
And if I wish to let it go
To let you know
It will flail in the wind
And vanish, forever

From nothingness
There can only become nothing
Love can only come
From a heart
Not ashes set aflame
Long ago

By people not knowing
By my feelings not showing

I look to you
And you see right through
The pain.
Forever caught in the rain

Turn away from me forever
And that shall be the end
From the dust came a friend
And the friend once again
Into dust

and as for a lover, never.

I must
Open my hands
And let that tiny flicker
Flourish into nothing

Christmas

I wished for a cold, clear, frosty day
But now the sunshine melts my dreams away.

I wished for skies bright and blue.
But the clouds are in the way
Of my memories of you

I wished for presents underneath
The Christmas tree
But they will never be.
As empty
As your love for me.

I wished for a smile to chance upon my face
But I realize I miss your warm embrace
The one that never occurred.
And yet the one nothing can replace.

I wished for a place
Inside your heart
For you had one in mine long ago
But now there is empty space
Holding
Us apart
And I know

I wished you would feel the same
But it seems harsh truth
Iced over my fragile flame

I wished you came
To lighten up this freezing day
I wished I had someone else to blame
Someone to take all the tears away

And I know that it is now the day
To give
But I know I will get nothing.
In return.

And I wish I could find the strength to say
I cannot live
Without your love.

And that without your touch
My icy heart
Will always burn.

Gravity

You are not beautiful.
Nowhere close to perfection.
Eyes as empty as your soul
With a heart so unknowing
Though with a smile
You can silence my thoughts

Your words are ice
Into my eyes
Blinding me more
Than the tears you cannot see
The lies which set you free
The things I must sacrifice

I am sure
That your being cries
For something other
Than mine, and so whilst it dies
You, not even sore,
Take care to smother
Yourself in old hurts
I thought maybe
Now
You would understand
How
Your slightest move

Makes me wish
To withdraw my hand
Something
I can never allow.

Flaws so many it seems
And yet through it all
Your near rotten heart gleams
And so deep, I fall

And faster and faster I drown
You are a rope
Which I cannot let go
Though I can only cope
If you do not know

And yet
In my eyes reflection
Although knowing we cannot be
I look at you, and know
You are beautiful to me.

Golden Ash

Was there any point
To my hopeless wishes
For transparent kisses

The sky will never change
And rain will always fall
Amongst the gray blues

I walked through the storm
And your rainbow faded
In the end
The gold turned to ash
By my happy eyes
Now smiles into tears
But yet still I have fears

For you burn those who touch you
And yet you burn all the frowns
And although I wish to think not much of you
When you fall, I will too fall down

Before the tears

I know.
It can only ever be
A dream.
But I cannot let go
I cannot set free
The loving lies I have seen.

Though time is slow.
I know. That I will soon
Not even know myself.

Your very breath
Strangles me to death,
I cannot become
What I hate
Though with your glance
It seems only fate

This time last year
I could only fear
What I now do feel.
When I wished
I should have thought.

That whatever makes me happy.
Can never be real.

Upon An Evening

And so I place the star
So much higher
Than I can possible reach

You light the fire
And kiss, like a liar
Upon my lips
So I can no longer form speech

My life, desire
Rise as you are
So I can no longer see
What you will be

Yet from afar
I see the sky
And where you are
There are no goodbyes

Christmas Lights

And so the night has finally passed
Little smiles not built to last
Little looks I will ignore
Little people, falling on the floor.

So I watch the fireflies
Burn a hole in my heart
A space forever empty
Until time drags us apart

I look away from the walls
And I see that I am sure
In order to live
I must love, no more

Words

No matter where I turn
It seems there is no way
And no matter how much I yearn
Or how much I say

To nothing, nothing can listen.
And tomorrow becomes today
And still I remain silent.

And still I know the hurt so well
And still I don't know where to go
And still I say and do not tell
But yet,
It seems that I do not know

Soon my colors fade to grey
And I must sit inside
My hollow hole
Which I call home
And let my eyes rain
And let my heart pain
For another dismay
And I wish
I could change today
And I wish
My heart would go away
And I wish
But I know
Only you
Can make it all OK.

Onwards

I want to erase
All the fears
Hidden in the craze
Of my tears

Trapped inside a maze
Of my own feelings, my mind
Will always lock me outside, and time
Will ensure that without lies
You can never be mine.

I am running the wrong way
To get to the right place
But I swear I cannot stay
Still
I wish to simple face
The truths of what I feel
But even to life it is a disgrace.

Why,
Oh why is what I feel real?
However hard I try.
It seems my happiness
Will always die

Sorry

If giving everything, could
Give me another chance,
I would give more than I had.

It is so hard to return to that place
The same in itself
Yet everything else has changed

I keep walking, but
No longer can I see the people
As they come, and
Go
No longer can I see the pages of the books
With so many words the eye cannot see
Or understand
They are now empty
The doors are now shut
I can no longer feel your distant presence
As close as getting away permits

The skies no longer blue
The rain is flying down upon me
And my eyes are blurred
I cannot see where I am going
Although I know, where I am.
I am lost, as lost as a growing
Flower left in a dying man
That is what, I am.
If I knew when this feeling began
I would no longer hide it, real words
Would be flowing
No need for lies, no need for showing
No need for the hundred miles I ran.

My ears are filled
With sorrows past
With memories
Which seem at last
To have surfaced
And now they cause my tears
For again it seems, through
All those years
They return so fast
But no, who
I wish to see
Is behind the glass
Slowly blackening
And yet fading free.

My life is now devoid again.
Empty pieces cannot be gained.
And it seems my hopes were all in vain,
For the one who I hurt, shall never remain

And I wish I could explain
Those lustful lies were only there
To sacrifice the fact I care
Too much, too soon
I know I could not share
As you, the sun, and I the moon
And now, we are just the air.

I wish I could repair
But it seems that time
Shall make this cold
And it seems that now
Whatever you hold
Turns into forbidden
Dreams, gleams of a long gone
Gold.

So I wish, and I hope
But there is no mending.
I know I cannot cope
And there is no defending

What is the point
Of me, pretending.
Without you,
There is no
Happy ending.

Unfinished

I have all but cried
The truths hiding
Within my eyes

I have tried
To make my words fly
Suspended on hopeful things
Suspended on my blackened wings

Forever, I promised.
And yet now, somehow
Time is running
Far far away
From today

It seems I have
All the pieces
Just not the means
Of making something whole
For now it seems
Something is lost
Amongst the leaves
Dried up and broken
By the sound of your footsteps

But I must follow
I shall know
If reaching out
Shall make you go
For I have been waiting
But I guess it is so
These days will fly
Between you and I
A gap ever growing
I must live without ever knowing

I want to drown
In the hopes of tomorrow
But it exists no more
Your eyes look me sorrow
And yet I stupidly wish for
A day where I can borrow

The mind
The heart
The life
Of someone who is not I.
For maybe then.
You can find.
It in yourself.
To love me too.
If only you knew.

Answer

And the words that have risen
Once from the heart
Have started to be written
Away from the eyes
Of those who cannot see
What is inside the lies

So when today I opened
My arms, and waited to die
Anyway I could have sworn
Your smile made my misery fly
Away from the pages
I have torn, forlorn
Is my long gone patience

And I assure you
I could not think
Emptiness stood in between me
And truth

It seems
Wherever I run
I am forced to begin
Back where I have begun
And my tears, the dream
Of a time fair, where
I must be there
So I can share
Some of the shining sun

Direction

I can soon forget
The sunny days
Where time outside
From myself
Was hard to find

I will soon regret
The nights where I
Did walk on by
And in the cool air
Did not notice
You waiting there

A new beginning
Can never occur
For when time is winning
Emotions blur
And the ends
And the means
And the starts
All split at the seams

And so you take up
Your needle
And with the threads of love
You proceed

I need
You to keep me whole
For when I was freed
I could not bear the fall
Too long, too much, without your all

But what is the point.
For whenever you call
I shall be falling apart
For there is no love
And never was from the start
And again, I must dissapoint
But failing to impress
Both our hearts.

On A Journey

I am waiting
For the return
Of skies bright blue
For summer I yearn

I do wonder
About the past
I can feel it fade
For first, and the last

Time does take me
Away from your fate
But already decided
I know love will be too late

The embrace will guide me
Into a wall of pain
It is nice whilst inside
But once out,
I cannot feel to live again

I do lust for once more
But I cannot be sure
As I wait for the return
Of skies sparkling blue
Which remind me of your eyes
And in turn
Remind me of you

Cymbal

Is there a time
When the wind will return?
No longer welcome here
It pulls at my hands
But I am already away
I am further than I have been near
The brightened eyes
Slowly fade to grey

But deep inside
This shallowness I do confide
Within, is that there is still
A spark
Though caught by many
And then released on its way
It means not that any
One can feel

The joy in which
I imbued my life
Now trapped in freedom
To discover and find

I cannot read your mind
But I hope that one day soon
You can read between my lines
And there I will loom
Inside the fires
Of love, and groom.

Winter

So I will say to you
That through the frozen
Panes of glass
The sun will still shine
And slowly
All the cold
Will melt away

For there will always be another day
In times where there are no shoulder's to cry on
And when there is no bed to lie on
I still will say

There will be sunshine anyway.
For you can try
With your icy heart
To touch the fire
And make it freeze

But it still burns bright
And frost in it's might
Will succumb to the warmth
That my arms will give you
Anf then we can take flight

Together
Into the cold but hopeful sky
Shining with the future

No Defense

With your touch
You broke down my walls.
With your eyes
You melted away my troubles.

I hoped maybe
There would be a change
The ceiling would become sky
And at last we could fly

The bland floor
Would exist no more
And if we wanted
We could fall

But there was nothing
No boundaries
And I had no defense.
Nothing to protect,
And nothing there to protect me
From freedom

We roamed far away
From what we believed would be
Our end
Through the air
And deep in sea
We ran away from
What we could never mend.

Whatever was left
Of that place we called a home
Is now fading behind
The fires where you can find
The key to my heart
The key to my mind
The key to my soul

But it seems truth has been unkind
And our diamonds have become coal
So I beg of you, lover, go hence
Lest I shall be left here
No longer whole
And with no defense

Person

The clouds are strolling
In the mellow sky
The hour is passing
The trees are dancing
With delight, but I do not know why

My tears are drowning
In the shallow sea
Where my heart must go
To find the deepness, so
I walk to where I must be

Your life is standing
On the wall
My smiles are taking
The jealous awaking
To break it all

Our words are silent
Outside this place
Where touch is gone
And it seems no-one
Can bear to face

Their selves are falling
Into where they are told to rest
It seems no thought
And it is not sought
That those that are best
Are not taken by
Their feelings lest
They lose the will
To reach and fly
And leave the nest
Though their wings are flailing
They can only ever try
For they hold onto their feelings
And once kept inside
They die

One Day

One day I will realise
That I am who I am
Not because of what is seen
In your eyes
Or what may have been
If I did sacrifice
Myself within

One day I will understand
That the words spoken
Will guide me through the unknown
When you not here to hold my hand
And I have outgrown
Little costumes
The past fades away
Like your footprint
In the sand

One day I can forget
You ever were
And then I shall rise
Above doubt and regret
And look in your eyes
And feel only light
My heart is set
On flight
From this one day.

Dust

But still

I am searching
For that thing beyond all
My heart did fall, but until
My hope fails to sing
To answer your call
I shall sit on the window sill

Looking out

Into the world
At all the tiny specks
Of what there is, and shout
That everything is important
It matters not how I reflect
Or what people see it to be
About

For to me
You will always be
The truth
In a lifetime where
I could never think
So happily
That anyone could affect
My small existence, there
Now must be,
Some honesty

With you I am
No longer cold
With you I am
No longer dust,
but Gold

Every little thing
Has it's own beauty to sing
Through the skies
Through the night
They can make ashes into flame
The broken hearts can love again
And even when the thought long dies
There need not be sacrifice
For I will be here, always.
To guide them
Through the dark
And through
The pain.

Looking In

Don't believe
That it will be over
Because of the things you say
And because of the way

You think I'm colder
Because you did leave
Me to call the
Ones that you would grieve

I still sit
Where I sat before

In places past
Memories to last
And you try to ignore
But I have been hit
And the wound still sore
And I try to give more
But it seems

I will always be
In places cold
Looking in
To what is warmth
As I am told
For I do not know
Kept inside in the dark
I have never tasted
Bitter love's remarks

The snow begins to fall
The icing on the fake
Person I do seem
From the other side

Away

What do I do?
The others are beckoning
The other side of the water
The bridge
Still there
For one last chance
Is what everyone deserves

Do I walk
Across
Do I give in
To what seems to be
Much better.
But whenever you talk
I wonder

Do I stay
For the waters are calm
But the bridge
Only allows one.

A choice to make
A heart to break

So I sit

On the egde.

And I wait.
For some miracle
To rise up from within
And lead me

There are times
Where I believe
With one look
You can turn the sea into ice
And then shatter it
With one smile
I fear
My feelings shall return
And I shall fall
Into the darkness

How long must I be
Neither here
Nor there
Neither far nor away
From something
So very rare

There are no sweeping
Winds
No reason for me
To stay and see
And to be
Once again
Destroyed by honesty

But it seems to me
That it is better
In the vain thought
Of something better

Because for all I know
The other side
Could be wetter
Than any rainy night
Where I confide

Everything I know of you
Into the skies
And I am soaked to the core
With the cold of my hurt
And although it pains me to say
I was a liar
When I said I cared no more

So I break down the bridge
My last chance is dire
So I cry and I wait
For
One day,
Your arms will carry me
Over the storms
And into the sun

Course

When I see

The world around me

Is falling through

A hole in honesty

I realise

That I cannot follow.

I must hold on to my truth

Lest the lies

Make my smiles hollow

But I do wish

I could let go
Of my bounds

And then I would

Be able to

Suffer in ignorance
Like the rest could.

And I have seen myself suffer.
But I will take more pain.
If it means there is a chance.
That there will be a truth,

Shining in the rain.

I feel bitter with gratitude
At the joys you have brought me
And I cannot forget
The way you sought me
Ought from the crowd

Lonely to you was unique
Ugly was beautiful
And tears vanished into laughter

But as to all things
On this world

It did die.
But my heart still sings.
For a floating feeling.
Of you and I.

Butterfly

And after all the rain has fallen

And the night is slowly fading

And I am told

That the light will rise again

Even though I too have smiled

When I was told to smile

And even when I was not

And I felt

That maybe

Through all the clouds

I could finally

Look at the burning rays

Of hope

But they just shone right through me.

My joy is in the past

And although

Still I can feel it

Like a memory

It will vanish

And I wished

Upon my star

Long gone now

That perhaps one of the many people

Would find me.

But it is time to fly

I do not know where
Or how
For my wings, if there

Are fragile and useless

By promises broken
By hurt which was spoken

Or maybe it is not I

Who I must allow to fly
For one cannot rise

In the darkness

I may have a crown

But it is not of gold
For it reflects myself
Alive and yet cold

But as it is truth

It is what I must wear

Until I am told
That without it

No-one will care
That still I shall be me

And without wings

I can be free

For who said you need wings

To fly
I will use the truth
To find the sky
Where at late long last
I can be I

I know that there will always be rain
But if I let go of my fears

And let hope shine out of my tears
I know that I will learn to love
Again

The End Of The Beginning - Day 1

And after I saw

The colours of the world

And it seemed

That once again

The light had shone on hope

I could even laugh

At the darkness

Which I can place behind me

And although

There are still

Mountains the climb

I know that you will always be

At the top of them

Waiting

Homage to Jane Eyre

I understand that

There is something

That shows the truth

To those who seek it

There was a time

Where my eyes

Were too scared

To look inside

And then

I sought a mirror

The fake shine

Shows back

What could not possibly be mine

And then I did lack

The sense to realise

That outsides never do suffice

But then it seemed

I became so withdrawn

Within myself

That could not regain

An utterance of hope

From the deepest fear

Of what lies

Inside.

In both places

At both times

I thought

That perhaps

Only a mere passing

Moment of powerless

Sincerity. This

Insignificant harsh

Charcoal blackened

Self.

Could be seen.

And although I have searched

Amongst every fleeting dream

Every slowly fading memory of a smile

I simply cannot unlearn

What I have learnt.

That in the mirror of your eyes

Just maybe

I could be beautiful.

But it seems I will never know

Your eyes forever closed

Not because you live no more.

But for love I can no longer show

For I am dead to you, I am sure.

-----------

But when the winds

Have stripped us of our leaves

And we are free of lies

Are we the same people

We used to be

And if so

Would our love still die?

2 minutes

Would never be enough

To tell you

The full truth

Of how you are my life

Time will limit

The tears

I must admit

But I would rather

Be in full sorrow

Than staying silent

Throughout

Black and white years

And I must not lie

I do miss you

But that is time long passed

Years long ago

I must now

Place aside

The unsent words

And begin anew

Until I find myself

Locked within your arms

Once more

Storm

But these rays of happiness

Cannot last for long.

I thought perhaps

I had built a shelter

From myself

But in my foolish hope
I built no walls.

But somehow,

They are still falling down.

There is nowhere

Left to hide

From the truth.

From myself.

I cower

In the vain trust

That maybe

I can dream

Back to my past

I prefer

Hollow lies

To this deep truth.

How could I

Have thought

That it could be so simple

The real traitors

Are those within

Not those who told me

Oh so long ago

That things would change.

Can I again

Pick up the pieces

Of a heart broken

That when put together

It only resembles

A broken soul?

Beyond

And when it seems

That all around has fallen

And I am made to break

I look into myself

And find a truth

Which I can hold on to

Hope is closer

To my eyes

It shines through my tears

A star in my sky

The leaves have

Turned to dust

And yet

It seems

From them

Arises a new form

Of life

With pain, of course

And suffering

But still there

I may have been dishonest

When I talked of ashes

I think, maybe

That with the right star

Even from the

Most blackened of hearts

Beauty can rise

And I am so glad

That I have found my star.

You.

Yours

Every word

Is hope.

I lied when I said

I could not love.

You have changed

My all.

I thought

Always, I would be

Alone in the rain

But now

I am sure

That there will be

Someone else

There for me

When you smile

It seems

Like I am whole.

Broken pieces

Mended by your touch.

The nights may be coming faster.

But there is more light

In my life.

Than there ever was.

And it is still raining.

But now.

I can feel your hand on mine.

And I am cold no more.

And I know

We will get through this.

Together.

Promises

I waited.

On paper I drew a heart

And filled it with love

I placed it, for safekeeping

Into a glass bottle

And closed it.

Nothing could get in.

Or out.

But then it was time

For me to throw you out

Into the sea

Where you could be free

You opened up there

And my heart drifted away

You became who you are

And it seems you may stay

But yet I waited

On the same coast

For the same bottle

To return to me

Even then

When you did

My heart was gone

Torn into pieces

By the truth

To me you were empty.

But I knew.

You were filled with truth.

The one thing

That even our love

Could never change

Autumn

Well I cannot forget

My eyes away from this time

Hoping the tears

Will make me blind

From the lies

I am bound to your words

Like a snake to its skin

Until you shed me

Useless once more.

---------------------------

I can't forget this feeling. I sit alone in my room, and I wonder why. I don't even know what to think about. A prisoner in my own home. Well. Maybe not exactly.

Mum says I should go out. But I can't. I look in the mirror. And I feel sick.

She says nothing's wrong with me. Then why does everyone make it seem like there is?

Because Im fat. I can't wear those skimpy shorts. Or those tight jeans. Or those really expensive hollister bikinsis. Or that really nice dress. I can't even talk to people anymore, because I know, whatever I say, they're just thinking one thing.

I thought. Perhaps. That mark, was different. He said that I was beautiful. It was the first time anyone had said that to me, after dad died. I really felt like I was in love with him.

I mean, I was 17, 5 foot 6, and 11 stone.

He said that I had curves. He said I was a real girl, not one of those "plastic breakables" on tv and stuff. I even introduced him to mum, and she was really happy for me, yknow? I felt like, someone actually gave a shit.

I'm still 17, 5 foot 6, and 11 stone. I'm not any prettier, or skinnier. But right now, I feel smaller than I ever had. As I said, I don't want to leave the house anymore.

You see, there was this night, where it was mark's birthday, and well, you know, I was obviously invited, as we were, together then. It was a great night. People actually called me pretty. Which is odd, cos you know, I'm like a size 16 and stuff. Even katie, said I looked bearable. I wish I looked like her. only 8 stone, and 5'9. Shes so pretty. I wish I could be as pretty as anyone at the party that night.

After it was over, and we were all a bit tipsy, and people slowly started going home. I had never spent the night with mark before. Well, you know, me and him had sex, for the first time. I don't remember it much, but I know it was amazing. And he made me feel so special.

Well. I thought it was the first time.

It turns out. It was a lie. He was a lie. A ploy. Just to prove to his stupid skinny good looking friends that he could get me to lose my virginity to a bigoted cunt like him.

3 months of happiness destroyed by a single thing:

The truth.

That no-one will ever love me.

And I know it's true, and to top it off. He's told all his mates. And looks like katie promised to shag him if he could "bring himself to tolerate" me.

Well. I can't tolerate myself, let alone anyone else.

So I

---------------------

I want to be a bird

Walk to the window

I cannot forget

Open it

And fly away

But I am not a bird

I am who I am.

And although I cannot fly

I would die

To be with you.

November

The harsh cold

Makes me hold myself.

For it seems no-one else will.

I pull down the blinds

On the outside

But still

Through the tiny gaps

I feel the pain

For nothing is ever truly locked away

The lights may be dimmed

But I still see clearly

What I cannot do

Like a bird without wings

I fall

Like a heart without a soul

As if I did not know love at all

Without you

I am a spark

That can only ignite more lies

About us

Lack

When I cannot see so clearly

What separates us seems to dissapear

I could reach out

And hold your hand

In the darkness

Like any other

There is a wall of tears

Between you and I

A river that we both have cried

Me for you.

And you for your fears

But in the darkness.

No-one can see who you are.

So do not be afraid.

In the cold air.

I could hold you

Away from warm windows

Where the wind blows

Stripping away any slight

Possibility of hope

That may appear

Without it can you cope?

You say so

But the tears still flow

And your heart says no

To me and I would go

If only I could know

What would become of you

Or what would become of me too.

The rain begins to fall

And I feel it

Harsh truth on my skin

I cannot hide underneath

Layers of lies

The days are shorter now

And I can only think of you

But when I do

I am shadows.

Of something better.

Something I can never be.

In The Air

But then

I can feel the glass breaking

And all of the misery

I tried so hard to keep outside

That I hoped would maybe

Disappear with time

Is here with me.

And even though I try

To escape

I already know it has won

It tears down the silence

In a storm of suffocation

Where nothing is said

And through gritted teeth

I must smile at the seemingly

Beautiful chaos

Because the cracks in the ground

Will soon open up

And I will fall into them

For rather falling

Then having to get up again

Should

It is raining.

Every small, stupid raindrop

Shatters on my window

The running in the wet grass

Free, no-one to stop us

For we know

Our hope will always protect us

I open it.

I feel them burst against my skin

One million stories waiting to be retold

Stuck waiting for a train

That will never fly me home

For only ashes can rise from ashes.

Always spoken to

And yet never heard.

Liquid loss.

As soon

As the sun returns

It seems like

There was never any rain at all

I see you reflected in the flawed puddles

Slowly fading away.

Your Leaf

When I was alone

In the darkness of my truth

And my comforting words

Scratched into the walls

Were closing in on me

I could feel my hope

Being pushed aside

By the shadow of a feeling

Returning

And these small and silent sentences

I cannot retrieve

From the ghosts of my future

Shining in your eyes

But now

The lights are out

And in darkness once more

The walls are wiped clean

A fresh coat of purity

I must try not to damage

I just want to let you know

That I am by your side

Wherever you go

And though the past has died

I still believe in you so

Halloween Hopes - 2

They do not knock
For they know I have nothing
To give

I wish I could once again
Take refuge behind such fronts

I light a firework
And it speeds off
Into space
Freedom unlimited
I was that bright once
But now slowly fading
And dropping
Back into cold reality

The costumes are bright
Coloured
I wish I could see through
These curtains of appearance
But it is probably too late.
For I.

The ringing bell
Again, they try
Without knowing
To convince me
That I can please

But I wish to turn
Out the glimmer of hope
And watch myself in the darkened room
No need for a mask
To be terrified.

I open the door anyway
One last chance
And I am greeted
By someone
Whom I think
I want to know
Just maybe
Behind the mask.

Halloween Hopes - 1

When the fireworks remain unseen
In the pitch blackness of our hearts
And I wear a mask
To hide my face

I walk to doors unknown
And ask for happiness
In small quantities
The only place I can
Gain it from

But slowly
As time goes by
More and more of the doors
Close on me

And even the light
Shining through4
The glass

Fades

I can no longer
Find my way home
No matter
I could not call it that anyway

One more door.
One last chance
But is there any point?

Though I wait
And I hope
For one
To take off my mask
And make me realise
That I do not need the costume
To have happiness
With them

I dream

I am tired
Of being tired.
The exhaustion
Brought on by
The constant waiting

Behind the glass
The rain slowly
Runs down
And the outside
In small circles
Shines

I follow with my finger
Finding a spot
A place
Where I can fit in

The raindrop shatters
One million dreams
Are too small
To be recognised
By you

To Believe

For I cannot see the light
When it is from another's star
It seems only to threaten
My smalll candle
The flame wavering
Slowly lessening

The sky is bright tonight
The reflections of my tears
Are in your heart's window
A mirror that is only ever
One sided.

Time is mocking me
I can feel the seconds
Going by
One step closer
To being further away
From the only one
Who makes me shine.

Still Standing

For if I were to understand
Why these black roses
Flow from your lips

I would have long ago
Been able to
Let go of my hope
Like a dying echo
Of what could have been
So beautiful

But it seems
Like life is not kind.
Once again
My frail smiles
Are shattered by words
Which to you
Can only ever be words

But I think
When you speak
Such utter beauty
Fills the silence
And I feel
That this dying voice
Can sing once more

Eclipse

This painful sweetness
That lurks inside of me
I must try to keep hidden

From everything
I thought
Would never happen to me.
I never thought
I would understand
The way in which
A heart can long
For another
So much

I define bittersweet
These feelings are thrown
Upon with such sleek speed
That it seems I am too confused
To function

Let me for one last time
Touch the frozen pearls
And rise out of the frozen sea
Into what warmth
Would have been.
If I could held you.

I swear now
That I would tear apart
This world

Just to have a chance
Of being in yours.

For if I could tame
The wild flowers
And the numbing hurt
Which this bleak world
Cannot endure

Then I swear to you
That if I could I
Would be sure

But inside a rivers flow
I know not where to go
For I have no meaning
Nor direction

I can only hope
That I will reach
The open spaces
Which I can only dream of

This deadened air
Is taking its time.
I can breathe in
The ash of sorrow
And yet exhale yet only more
For if I could stop loving you
I would. I am sure.

Nature

It was meant to be sunny today.
But as always. The clouds
Took away the light
Until I could only see
The outlines

What is inside did
Not matter to me.
For without this
Hope, I could not see it.

The trees were
Standing strong
Through the storm
Though I am
Easily
Broken

A slight breeze
Your touch on my lip
And I am gone

Don't Forget

These sweet lies

Will do nothing more

Than break the thin layer of ice

Which stops me looking in your eyes

My life is sacrifice

Never accepted

Yet always offered

I wish to touch your face

And I would turn back time

To make you mine

But the louder I shout

The farther away you run

And only with caressing whispers

Can I be heard

Though I can feel

It slipping

Through my fingers

Like a memory

Acceptance

I am forever lost

Within your memories

I can hear in the background

The unfinished melodies

The words to which

Are half said

And half not

In my head

But in yours

There are roses and plumes

Of what is yet to come

Not fading shadows

Or a dying light.

I miss the stop

I don't know how

To get off anyway

And yet when

Ten thousands smiles

Are thrust into my eyes

I can feel ten thousand

Balloons bursting

With the realisation

That none of them are mine.

And for you know "thats nice"
Is only an inch of the years

Where I have been forced

To colour in the spaces

Where you could have been

And tolerate the races

Which people get in

Though nothing

Will be as colourful as you are

I want to steal the essence

Of the rainbow

And force it within me

Maybe then I can

Feel again

The blessings

That such fearful joy

Brought me

Though I can only ever

Think

I could never dare to even

Try, to close my eyes

Blink for one second

Because if I do

I fear

In the shedding of one single tear

My bitterness will appear

And you

With your mirror eyes

And your mirror heart

I only wish

I could tell you

But I can't.

Touch

My imperfect hands

Will never be fit to hold yours.

Time will create a wall

And I can see you

But the other side

Is empty mirrors

My voice is an echo

In a cave

Where I am love's prisoner

Where there is nothing.

But I promised myself

I would reach down

Upon the fallen autumn leaves

And I would watch

Them ride the wind

They would have another chance

To escape on silver wings

As yours have been darkened

By the mistakes of which

You think are corrections

I wish to be

A cold and frosty

Remnant

Which you hold in your hands

The closest to your heart

That I will ever get.

Blow me away

As I know

If I stay

I will tear down reality

I will burn down the truth

For with it, I swear I cannot be

If there is only me

And not you.

Useless

I cry

The icy rain

Down

My burning face

I can see

The tension in your eyes

As mine are flooded

With rivers of the past

I let all the memories

Free

Where they deserve to be

Not kept hidden

Inside my mind

Where you'll also find

Why I lied

I keep replaying

But nothing is ever like the

First time

The track keeps skipping

Through all of my moments

I gave you more of me

Than I thought I had

So without you now

I am empty, and

This way I will stay.

I owe to the world a smile

A laugh

But only shadows I give away

You cannot see my scars

But I can feel them

Inside my mind

Every day of my life

I can feel the wasted past

And I can never forget

Every second

With you in my sight

Makes the flame

I thought was dead forever

Awaken

From the ashes

Of a ruined soul

I am constantly in

And out of flux

The nights and days

Are all one emotion

Now

I realise

No matter how many halves you give me

I can never be whole.

Memories

If I reach deep down

In to the ashes of my diarys

And pull out a fistful

Of memories

I can assure you

Your name will be written

On every fading moment

My eyes may forget

But my heart cannot

I will dive into the blackness

Of lies long ago said

And hope, long ago dead

Just to cling on to these

Moments

Where I finally had you.

I know today

That I will once again

Lose to the wonderful facts

And although ignorance is bliss

I tell you this

You sing to me in the birdsong

And you write to me in the books

I can hear your silence

When I wish for words

When they appear

In my half hidden mind

I write

But the letters

Create the same order

And all I see is one.

Siren Song

I hold gentle warmth in my hands

It's frail scent lingers on your touch

As I shiver with your loss

I remember when the

Eyes of you and I

could see past the crystal glass

I would run to our memory

If it were possible

But the theme of the truth

Will never let me go

He holds me tight

And however many times

I must scream

To him

Everything is sweet solitude

My siren song

Though luring away

All forms of hope

From this desolate island

Which I stand on

Tears

Everything little word

Is a runaway paper aeroplane

Flying on chance

I remember the times

When I used to sit

On the benches

And not have to stare

Into the distance

To distract myself

From the cold

Where I always had

The truth that I could

Borrow your warmth

The skies are grey now

And as winter arrives

From the dreary depths of

The past

I must soon envisage

The trust I once had

In chance

And assume it to be useful

For my hope has flown away

From my icy soul

To a warmer place

It seeks you, or

So my softly spoken pain

Shall live on

In stormy silence

But I tell you now

I whisper this

Into your arms

If you wish to find me

Once I am lost in hopelessness

Then first

Realise this

You must find my heart

Hiding from your flames

Caged Bird

Everything always happens
At the wrong time.

My life
Is a withered tree

On the edge

Of a desolate shore

I wait to be found

But I cannot be rescued

For I am rooted

To the ancient ground

My love

A bird

Flown far away

Though once perched

On my arm

Has flown away to

Follow your hand

Into the distance

My happiness

A single ashen tear

Drawn to the ground

By the fear of truth

My kindness

Returns to mock me

From a place where I

Cannot reach

My feelings

Are alike

To a single

Grain of sand

Lost in utter uselessness

In an ocean of pain

If only the shards of lies were not

So crystal clear

And if the mirror of truths

Was not so unsure

Maybe for once a smile would be near

And maybe for once

Just one day

Would be pure.

I could

When all the time

In the world seems to become

A simple number

And the wounds do not heal

I realise I cannot count

And all the comfort in the world

Does not amount to the comfort

Which your touch brings

The chiming bells

Sing of your departure from me

And I sound the scorns of sorrows past

And this time the memories go so fast

You can never rely on a ghost

Of emotion

I can't run away

From the missed opportunities

That led to myself

Being separated and yet still

So very connected to your being

They say that

Everything is always revealed

In the end

Then why not show me why not

Rather than suffer the wait

Which you create

Life goes by

I can feel it drawing me in

But I want to wait for you

So we can live together

No-One

This story will never have an end.

I will laugh, smile, and pretend

That things will be OK, and another day

I shall leap into the air with apparent

Joy and nothing will become of the

Tears I bled last night

For if noone is there to hear you screaming

Do you make a noise?

The days will go and nights will

Pass and I sit upon the windowsill

As I try to imagine how very hard

It must be to make a start

On such vile reality

And yet old on and not fall outside

For if noone is there to see you crumble

Do you feel pain?

I take the sadness in my stride

And I can feel the tears I've cried

And tried to take my own side

But I cannot.

For if the entire world

Were to read this today

But you did not

I would die away

And rather be forgot

For if all the people

That have loved and lost

Knew me in such a way

They would not know

How I possible feel

For I love, and yet I lose

Everyday.

Secrecy

The letters which I will never send

Will be waiting to be read

By someone who cannot understand

My language

The songs I will never sing

Are waiting to be heard

By someone deaf to the mourning

Of something alive

Yet so far away

It may as well be gone forever

This time I tell myself

That I shall be strong

And hold on

But when everything is taken

Away from me

What can I hold on to

The past is slowly escaping

My eyes are slowly

I close the thought of it

And I close the diaries

Of someone who will never

Be understood by anyone

Apart from

Someone who will never want to read them.

Youlogy

I wish I could hear again

The once softness of your voice

With these unworthy ears

The invisible glass.

The words in black and white

Upon my tongue

Spew colour when you appear

The ghost who I wish will never

Cease to haunt me

Your eyes shine

And it begins once again

The rush of brightness

And then I put the photo

Down again

My screams lament

For the past

Which we know

Can never return to us

I wish to fall now

Through the clouds

Back onto my silence

And redeem myself

By crying into the pillow

Where your head once lay

Before you died to me.

Genesis

I only know

That you

Are what keeps me together

And you make me fall apart

This life is so inclined

To leave me behind

Without your love

If I were to decline

The past and take it

With me to your door

Would you see me anymore

Or just the one I used to be

Held by nothing always free

For now my fear

Of

What you'd think of me

Makes me want to lock

The walls upon my heart

And steal the souls

And make a start

On a new life where I would not be

Anywhere near you

But sometimes I feel like

Our roads will always collide

And I am the moon

Always cast in shadow

Reflecting your light

Upon my life

And if I could be

Anything

Anyone

Something to make you

See how much you mean to me

I would shed myself

Upon your lies

And we'd live together

In sacrifice

Book

Oh how many nights I cried

For the deepness of the hurt

And the butterflies slowly stopped and tried

And then the pages became slurred

I can only read what has been written

And why do you speak in tongues

For the mouth that has been bitten

Can never speak no more

My path is still winding

Up the mountains far away

I cut the shortest route

And the lines become blurred

A Break From Writing...

Ok fine, I admit it. I didn't religiously follow the sheet music, because a) I didn't have it near me, and b) I always like to put a bit of myself in the music I play.

Too Far Away

OK then, this is it

For time shall become hope

And the second hand shall stop

And so shall my heart

I break through

The past and try to

Redeem my excuses

But the point is still standing

Whilst I fall to the floor

I fail once more

Help me find the door

The way that will guide me

Away from this grey and then

I will be able to breathe

Another day

But for now I must keep

Inside my desires

I want this page

To turn once more

And for once for it not

To be blank followed by

Words I cannot understand

Hold my heart by the hand

And take me on an adventure

One I will never forget

But one I can only ever

Dream Of

Three.

Dear Diary

I'll try and be smiley from now on, k! I have so much coursework as well, I mean, why did I take science AND maths! No free time at all this weekend. Not like I would do anything with it, but well, the fact that it's there would help a little bit, y'know.

But like, some people are doing like quadruple maths, and they have less work than me. My mum always tells me I work too much, which is really weird, because apparently other rents tell their kids to work more. Is it so wrong to like work sometimes?

I mean, I would rather not bisect with a compass, but what choice do I have. Anyway, we have a cool day out with my bio class to collect insects and stuff on Wednesday! I'm really excited, I've got my whole coach music video playlist ready!

I don't really like little insecty watery things though, they're a bit icky though. We have to examine them later though. Which I suppose is better than just looking at them and assuming, I mean, sure, they aren't really like us, but we cant just treat them like shit because of it! Our bio teachers quite nice though, he actually knows my name! I mean, it really isnt that hard,

M-A-T-T.

It isn't even foreign. Well, its short for Matzycia, but still! I mean, just take away the last bit, and say the first thing that comes into your head. Jesus, people do it with other things, but not with names.
I finished my history essay last night though. I like history, I can really get into it,cos you know, I know it's already happened, and there's nothing to worry about, because its not something that's like variable. It's always there, and always will be.

But I wish sometimes

That they would look behind the fringe
And deep into my eyes
And see what lies deep inside

And see through all of the lies

The blades will reflect away

The light

Which I try so hard to hide

From

My dear diary

As much as I love

Being the one who's being led

Away from all the pain

I wish I could say all

Of this

To someone I could call a friend

Instead

Two.

Always

I always get too far away from the garden

And now msn has bloody d/ced. I was having a real important convo aswell, Izzy was just telling me about her Jess and Alec got together at Laila's rave, which was shit of course, because its Laila, and her parents are like, well asian, and nearly caught us.

But still.

"Ms. Sanderson.."
"Umm...I, I was just-"
"Daydreaming eh. Only dreams Ms Sanderson, remember that."
"Yes Mrs Suella"

Fucking bitch, she always picks on ME, I swear! I can't DO french OK,all that Je ai, and tu suis crap, I dont understand, I mean, I don't see why there are two ways of "being"something, surely thats just a pile of bullcrap!
I have PE 4th though, which is OK, as I finally get to see Addie failing at the 800 metres. I mean, she looks like a balloon on legs. She actually asked out Ollie Grzybowksi. I mean, OLLIE. I thought she was asking him for some food or something. I mean, she's always "ill", and she sits next to him in form, and he's always helping her get up cos she's weak apparently.

It's not his fault she can't even stand up on those two fat logs she dares to call legs. She dared to come to prom last year in a dress. I mean, her, female, is that a JOKE! And sure, I made her cry, But I only said she looked like Susan Boyle in the finals of BGT, which she did for god'ssakes!! She was fucking prom queen aswell. She isn't even the right gender I swear!

And anyway
"oioi, did you hear that Bella tried to get off with Ollie last night?"
"What dya say Laila Floprav--Oh, I mean fallopian?"
Yeah that's right skank. Turn and walk away. Everyone, and I mean everyone, even GUYS try to get off with Ollie. That's how beautiful he is. And then you have that Laila whatever her fucking last name is talking about him as if he's some sorta mortal. He IS God, I swear. Woahh, talk of the fit devil and so he app-
"Get this right. That fat whore Addie actually asked me out. I mean, I already help her get off her massive ass anyway, but this, you shoulda seen the look on her morbidly obese face, Oh, hey Jenna-"
He said hi, to ME.
"I know right, Addie is just SO ugly. I mean it's like cheryl cole was morphed with an amo--amee--ameeba!"
"Haha, good one Jenna"
He laughed, at my joke.

"I mean, she's nearly as big as our solar system times the mass of her parents!"
Oh god, they're all laughing.

"Maybe Jenna, you could hang around with us at lunch, you're a funny gal"
Oh gods yes.

Shit, I'm late for games.
"Sure Ollie, see you soon!"

Why isnt that fat bitch here! Who am I gonna make fun of now! What if Ollie doesn't want me anymore?
"Misss...where's Addie?"
"She's not in."
Ms Walkers always smiling, why not now?
"When IS she coming in?"
"Oh Jenna, I'm so sorry, but Addie passed away last night of pancreatic cancer"

When the world is a place

Where I can be

The good or the bad

I will only see

How much pain

And suffering

Will carry on in my mind

After the ones I am cruel to leave

And I

The true fatty,

Am left behind

One

"For god's sake Jack, can't you just jump over it!"

"Maybe if you decided not to rip my fucking shirt I would, but I'm not going to let it get any more messed up, I mean, for fu-"
"So you would rather stay here and look good. Then finally get away?"
"You, know that's not how I feel, it's just, imagine what Joe would think if-"
"Do you know what Jack, piss off. I'll go without you, dya hear!"

The wind is mourning the death of something that was never alive. The sky, bland, tasteless. One could taste the bitterness of departure in the stale poignant air. The grass is dry. And Jack knows.

"Listen, do you think maybe, I should just stay?"
"What the hell Jack. What the hell. Are you shitting me, after ALL this time, you just want to -"
"It isn't that easy-"
"JUST GO AND FUCK JOE, WHY DON'T YOU!!"

It's hard to choose a path sometimes. And the fence seemed to loom higher over Jack and his friend. As the clouds were lowered by the fallen angels in the heavens below. Puppets controlled from below.

"Fine."
"What?!"
"I said fine. You can run away to fucking wherever you want to. But I'm staying here"
"Living the lie, but you PROMISED Jack, you PROMISED we would do this together, you PR-"
"I can't leave Jo-"

"SHE HATES YOU! AND SHE HATES ME, AND ALL SHE WANTS JACK, ALL SHE WANTS IS TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU DONT' L-"

Tears rain from her eyes.

"Shut up. Just go."

The words are acid from the fountain. They take over all pureness in their path. It seems time has stopped. And with all this, Jack says his final words to her.

"I would rather live a lie

Then die

With an essence of the pain

Which loneliness will bring

If I do sing

My lament for the past

And so these are my last:

Be what I could never be

And wipe away your tears

For with emotion one can never see

What shall come in future years"

I Kinda Get Pissed Off After The 110th Time This Happens

For when others have found their one over two

I am still looking for one half of you

And when others have been where I want to see

I realise that you will never see me

When I am waiting, and the sun shines no more

Though I can see your windows, there is no door

When I miss-place, my time, my life

And I feel like a broken heart in outer space

Floating away from my other one over two

Won over you

My dreams will have to

Do what others so

I dont intoxicate

I rate

With eyes as sharp as grecian plates

Of armour to protect me

Though words will break free

And will be

Downfall of my hope

Is not something I can cope

Without you living is not life

And diamonds become stone once more

Stronger than any

I was always told to listen

To my heart

As time goes by

I begin to wonder if ever

The cradle of my joy

Will fall off the tree of eden

And when the sin will come over

And I shall be tempted so

For the apple's of my tree

Are nothing more than poison

On this day I know that

I will defeat the sun once more

But the skies shall soon become black

And myself will finally be me

I can feel the darkness

Where noone can see noone

And everyone is everyone

The lies which I will

Complete in this tiny segment

Of the pause

Are simply the truths

Which noone else

Will ever dare to say

Which is why I would rather listen to truth

Than my heart anyway.

1

When I am a flower

And the bees are all wasps

And I am lost in the shower

Of all things bright

When I am a bird

And the rest are all still

I will fly forever

And the light cannot take me

When my water

Is the river of emptiness

And five thousand years of rain

Will make it lack still

This is the face of flaws

And the skies are open

And the eyes are open

And their mouths are open

Screaming

What is the

I feel just like

I hide beneath my skin

Preparing my heart for the loss

Of identity

Many times

My eyes have been tired

But I must keep on looking

Help me run away from

This shadow

Of me

The words are all

Pieces of my soul

Waiting for someone

To finally understand

And bring back myself

10 times heavier

This is the corner

Of the page that says

Please turn over

A new leaf is what

Is needed here

So I'll be brief

And shed less tears

I point

To the point

And your face is clear

My doors are dead

And my walls I fear

When It Happens To You

When all the tears have been cried

And the understanding in my heart

Means

And the lies have all been lied

And what is left of mehdi has been

Torn apart

When there is no sign of pain

But inside there is the burning soul

And the perfect impurity

Strikes again

I wish to dig my heart a

Whole

When all that could have been lived anew

And the white innocence is stained with truth

The thought of you

Is all the excuse

I need

My hands are on the emptiness

The embrace of

Nothing is

Anymore.

My hope is flying away from me

The staying remnants

I keep locked within

If I were a rose

Then a violet would be you

Purple yet blue

Nothing I knew.

If I were a rose

I'd just like to say

I would change my colours

To be with you

Anyday

Hey look, it's everyone's favourite lullaby...

Don't we all love twilight?

One Year

It has been one year.

And somehow.

My laughter is louder now.

The autumn

Falling leaves

Falling tears

I felt colder

Than ever before

The winter

The ice

My heart

The darkness

Consumed me

The spring

The blossoms were poison

And the rain seemed like

It would never end

The summer

So many times I was tested

But I prevailed.

And I know now why

And I know

I will be cold no more.

For all the broken souls

This for you

Look backwards onto the white butterflies

Freedom

The broken rose

The cherished flowers

Will never leave your heart.

Look now upon your own beauty

Which someone will realise

And your glass half empty

Will be full at last

It has been one year

Since the sorrows of silence

And the beginning of the new

The empty CD cases

I need no longer

As I have my own song

We grow stronger for tomorrow

Though we can't stop the rain

We will win over our sorrows

And we live to hope again

Clouds

The colours are freely flowing

Through the trees and through the leaves

They paint a picture of what it is

To be in love

Higher and higher you fall into it

Until the smallest shade

The stars are

What they want to be

The time is

Just

Enough

This is what perfection can cause.

The small circles are in the distance

And slowly slowly they leave you

Alone

at last

Last year maybe so.

But not wanted this time.

One plus one plus one plus one

Eventually becomes two

And eventually

too much

The last of the first

And the second it ends

Is what you need

So look up

And see

Maybe colour isn't what you want to be

Grey

Is not in the rainbow.

But it's shades

Are all else.

Name

There are so many out there
This I know
Like beads of liquid happiness

A single strand of hope is needed

The ocean is a myth

And the sky is a lie

But what we could have

Can make us fly

This is not in the playbox

The shapes are always imperfect

But I know

That there will be one

The holding on is a rope

And the fall is ecstasy

I need the burn

Of what could be

And the face of it

Shall be victory

Though behind my smile

Lays the sadness

Of a neglected voice

Drowned out by the sorrows

Of your tears

And your fears

But

All I ever wanted

Is you

And together

We would bring the happiness together

And with our strand of hope

I will wipe away your tears

And your beauty shall shine away

Your fears

No matter what the future is.

I know.

Our sun will always shine.

Inside.

A new

Autumn Leaves

The room is suddenly colder now

I lean back into the warmth of predictability

Like those nights long ago

Where travelling was a breeze between mountains

I want to undelete

The deleted messages

The doors are closed more so

Than ever before

The rain is scattering against the glass

I spread out on the cold floor

The dead leaves are falling away

From the life inside

And I reach out

But even with the softest touch

You'll be crushed

iLife

This is mine.

And yours truly.

My life is ruled

And yet unruly

This tale is told

And yet not true

Until I find

the truth with you.

These broken lines cannot confine

The flow of lies which you cannot hide

And you cannot be what you want to be

For I can see the truth has broken thee

Crawl into a cold cold space

The hole where your heart should be

And stay there forever, and yet once more

Forget about me so easily

I am here.

And yet I am gone.

The sun sets

On this winter sonne

And the sky is grey

And there is no day

Where I cannot remember

The winters of yours

I am the match to your candle

At once

Flare into life

And then die down

As you crush me

This getting too much.

Then how about a touch.

As the moons come flooding back

And the years melt into gold

Or so me

A blind lover

Is told.

Thoughts

When the window is too far away to close

I take the cold on my face

As I walk around the place

The sky is looking down on me

And I count the stars

Their names I have forgotten

Too many

Too many

The moon is grim

I take my hand

And block it out

Though I know it's there.

When the liar is the one who knows

I become the ears to their truths

For I am the fireplace on the winter night

Still

There

Waiting for someone to look into my heart.

This is the story of the ice cold

Finding the key to the age old

Secrets of shining armour

Only to realise the mistake

amour

And when I finally close the window

The breeze stops

And although I am warm

I can feel the cold of loneliness.

Courage

Full volume is never enough to block out the truth

The words are blades in the bathroom

Watching

Waiting

The ipod shuffles

Your feet edge closer away

I can hear it from your ears

I can see it in your tears

I can feel it in your breath

The green light is closer

To the zebra

You

Crossing

No grey areas

Black or white

You choose.

Wrong one

You lose.

Everything.

The murky floors hide

From you

Nothing you can be

Nothing can you be

You can be nothing

Tear out the words from your eyes

And face the true music

But tell me

Would you be yourself

Just for one day

Just for me.

Smallprint

When all is said and done

And the joys of life are next to none

And hope is burned by the morning sun

And home is a place which from you run

And the future seems too far ahead

And the wings are broken for you to spread

And the sky becomes a crimson red

And when your eyes are filled with tears

As you remember all those years

With the fears

And as liquid sorrow flies away

As my brushes away the pain

You will live to fight another day

And be happy you can feel hurt

Again.

Run

It takes time

For anything to last.

You woulda thought

But noone does anymore.

Nothing is wrong.

And yet,

Nothing is right.

Is closeness an issue?

I don't know

How far

I am willing to go.

How much

I am willing

To sacrifice

My identity?

Or even worse

Who they want me to be.

If I am in a grey area.

Then I am red.

If I am on the floor.

Then I'm in my bed.

If I am in the sea.

Then birds swim with me.

I want it

How it's meant to be

I won't

Catch the first thing

That is thrown at me

As I said.

Time is nothing.

But love says

it is never too late.

Then please.

Forget.

So I can too.

Never Too Late

Time is nothing

When you are here.

I want the seconds back

If I had kept the label

That so many others put on you

Then I could refund

Return

Exchange

But I was foolish enough to take it off

And make you a person

Not part of people.

I shouldve realised

That there was no point

I shouldve realised

What was said

Is, and was

Always said for a reason

Second chances became third

And I became last

And place became nothing

Of importance to you.

I want it back now

The judge

I want you to know

That all the shit was true

And there was no you

Only a piece

Of the bigger picture

In which I was cut out

By an unfortunate truth

Of humanity

I still am cut out.

But I am willing

Once again

To be the victim

Of thousands of nights

Where alone and yet not

With you by my side

And as much as I

Will try to hate

My love for you

Tells me

It's never too late

Evidence

Let me take away one good thing

From all of this shit you've left me in.

Even if it's those crappy days

Where you didn't give a toss about

What I said

Or what I did

As long as I was there.

More for me than for you.

I would've lost it

All of what I thought I had left

Of my heart

But when people take pieces

Without saying

Soon you'll find that there's

Nothing left

Mehdinabox

You know when you're failing

When your life is leaving you behind

I want to burn my diaries

And start afresh

Where is the key to the cold red box

Mehdinabox?

Let me open it.

The first sonnets should be torn apart.

As it is what you did with my heart.

The black book.

My tax for you.

Pays for nothing.

The page.

Of happiness.

I cannot read the words

They fade in between the lines

Something you could never read

The leaf

With all the names

Of those who mean most

Let go Mehdi

And let it fly away.

Just keep the empty box.

Hold it close.

The memories are too much to handle

Give me a room

And I shall fill it with nothing

As it is what I do best.

But with you in that room.

The box is filled.

To the brim.

Not with the past.

But with now.

And for once.

I don't want it all to go away.

Personal

For my lies only.

I want to travel a million miles

Away from the printed sheets

Away from the ones I meet

Away from the people who make it feel

Like what is wrong is nothing right

And what is right

Is nothing wrong

I simply want a leaf from your book

I don't care what the others say

You'll be amazing anyway

Because I feel that I am lost

In your embrace forevermore

And what I say here

Is lost or ignored

By all but you

Decipher my words

And then perhaps

The numbers that are riddled around

Inside your head

Will lose themselves

And the sunshine will appear

For my lies only.

Power Empathy

How would you feel

If you were the one who you made cry

With your sandpaper heart?

My words are the knife into the truth

I keep your diary pages close

But your hate even closer

Scared to go to school today

The sharp comments cut

A hole in my honesty

Lies erupt

As dawn says

Dear fatty

If you want ugliness

Look in the mirror

I wanted to give you a smile

But your mouth is blackened with vile.

Take out your voice box

And be silent

All these insults

Everything is silly?

Understand?

No, neither do I.

I don't understand why we have to be this way.

Enrollment

The pencil sharpenings are thrown away

Little pieces of colour

Gone

They just seem too insignificant to remain

But if you piece them all together

Then you'll realise how beautiful they are

Alone

Nothing.

I want to dig my heels

Into someone's heart

And tie myself to their will.

The same old day

The old way

The mirror still mocks me

The writing on my wall

Painted over with things

New and shiny

They distract me for a while

Though I want to pick at it

So many coats of paint on the truth

I hope it stays hidden forever.

I should be smiling.

But half and nothing don't make a whole.

Unless it's one in my heart.

The eyes peer out from under

The floors

They take me by surprise

I fall so high

It feels like flying.

Flutter Byes.

Paper plane passes.

Flying pencil sharpenings.

Though I fail.

And I shall tell you why.

There are no A*s-Cs in love.

Tick Back Know

Come with me

And write in between the lines

And we shall see

That letters cannot confine

What shall honestly be

Which of course isn't mine

I write a letter

To the examiner

remark

remark

The answer always the same

The same lack of X

Pass or fail

I will nail

The words you write

To the wall

The love which I can't see

At all

Give me red pen

Let me tick

The fail

What I want to study

May not necessarily

Be

In the pool system

It may not fit

But bit by bit

The empty spaces

Shall be filled in

And the hidden memories

Shall flood the sins

And my stolen smiles

Shall run for miles

To try and escape

Set in stone files

Figures facts

Yes or no?

Truth is tax

Lies not woe

Hello ages ago

We won't show slow

Although

Inside the covers we will sew

The glow

Of thinking being low

But I bestow

Tick for youth

Tick for go

Cross for truth

Cross, to know

Naked

I am washed ashore

The lush forest of gold

Where tales of life

And love, were told

Beauty Galore.

The palm trees sway

Live another day

Truth

Never too far away

Inside the forest

Death and doom

Underneath the ocean

Hurt and gloom

Through the beauty

Heartbreak looms.

There will be a time

When I can finally ignore

The out and the first

And the see and the saw

There will be a time

Where I look inside before

The outside is mine

And then I'll be yours

There will be a time

Where I must be truthful or

Our all with wither

And we cannot be anymore

There will be a time

When I can explore

The beauty within

There will be a time

Where ugly beauty I endure

And in this house of hope

I shall close no doors

But of this I am sure

There will be a time
Where deepness is at the core

As when you fill me up with love

I shall be shallow no more

Sin Song

I wash away the sins

And with the blessings

I form myself anew

Lord forgive me

For loving you

I bathe holy

The golden cuts

Deep into me

Drink the water

Blessed

The robe is clean

I am not

The aisle

Shall break

With my hearts

Ache

I am on fire.

The pews applaud

Smile no more

Holy nothingness

Pretty words are what we are told

They take you away from me

The diamond on the ring

The circle no more

The greatness above

And we, are impure.

Flying Away

I cannot see through

The mirrored face

Your parents say

I am disgrace

Better be nice

Or lose your place

I cannot see through

The blank smile

Your friends say

You should run a mile

I am the blood

You are my nile

I cannot be

The nothing no more

The world says

Only pain is instore

For the ones who want

And take no more

Than what glory gives

And what truth washes ashore

Burning

I can see the shards

Of broken hearts

In your eyes

Never your own

Never your own

I can see the pain

Of broken lives

In your soul

Never your own

Never your own

Carry me home

Away from your truth

And I live in a house

Made of what's not

What I wanted?

Never your own

Never your own

Love

The Meaning Of Life

There is always a purpose

So never feel useless

No matter who you are

No matter what you do

You are always here for a reason

I'm not talking about

Saving the planet

Discovering a cure

Creating beauty

Your reason

Is love

With love

You can save someones heart

From the deep shallows of loneliness

With love

You can cure all ailments

You can stop the pain

With love

Nothing is ugly

With love

Everyone is beautiful

Me,

My purpose?

I write these poems.

In the vain hope

That you will one day read them.

Everything is you.

Therefore

I am nothing.

I will never stop hoping

For I would rather be alone

Than with someone and just coping

And my heart turned to stone

Better late, than never

It could take years to be true

But I would wait forever

Love, to be beautiful

With you

Suicide Of The Heart

There will be a time

Where love seems far away

And in the dark cold of yourself

The ice shall take your heart

And the stone shall take your soul

But if you hold on

To your little piece of hope

There will be a day

Where the sun shall fail to shine

And in the loneliness of clouds

You feel so un-unique

Stuttering through the crowds

But if you forget the bleak

And hold on

To your little piece of hope

There will be a moment

When you feel like you cannot

Take anymore, and you wish

That you would've forgot

The things which are more

Important that what

The truth leaves behind

Rembants of a broken mind

There will

Always be me

A little piece of hope

By your side

And I swear I do love you

In all honesty

But if you wish to hope once more

Than we can never be