Death of a cloud (2)

Is it possible,

To miss, something, someone, 

That, you never, well, had.

To remember, the times, that you never had.

To cry about the moments, you never had.

To wail

To scream

To laugh

To smile

About things that never did occur.

After having realised that everything is shit, I ask of myself one thing

To remember that there was nothing.

Never was.

Never will be.

Then why is it that I can still

Somehow

Find memories

Of us

Filled with joy

Filled with happiness

Memories

That only ever exist

In my dreams

Death of a cloud

This song reminds me of you.

I remember it playing, the first time we met.

Sure, I was apprehensive, but hey, I was nevous.

Don't act like you weren't.

Things may not have gone to plan since then.

The dream home was burnt down.

The dream car was taken.

The dream jobs were hidden away.

And the dream life, forsaken.

The dreams I had 

The dreams I wanted

All destroyed

All destroying

Dreams have no mercy.

You didn't.

I wish to sleep forever in a world

Filled with You.

The alarm won't go off this time.

It is good,

To dream.

Why We Die

I've been waiting for years.

Maybe you've been lagging,

Maybe you've been getting rid of me,

Your baggage, What you've been dragging,

All this time.

It is cold outside your heart.

Whenever you yawn I can see myself in the steam.

You're not as cold as you seem them.

Maybe whats around you has frozen your heart.

Whenever you talk I hear myself in the nonsense.

You speak now, not like before.

Or maybe you just wouldn't talk 

To me.

Whenever walk I sense myself in your stride.

Hiding in your shadow.

Hoping there will be never be darkness.

What I was always scared of.

In your smile I see my tears,

And in your laughter, my fears

Are all that I can think about.

In your eyes.

I see the fields we never had the chance to walk in.

The seas we never sailed on.

You used to say
"Whatever floats your boat"

But now, I am drowning

In an ocean of neglect.

All this time.

You've never realised,

That I cherished your useless prescence.

And I want it back.

But it is too late.

Please--

I regret.

It all.

I beg of you.

Find me.

Save me.

One last time.

Don't leave me hanging.

This Time

You ask how I'm feeling.

Tears are transparent, you don't see them.

The cryptic crossword says:

"A type of break, usually had quite often."

I know it's lunch break.

But for me, it's heartbreak.

Maybe I should have a kit kat.

Another break to add to the eternal list.

Jet lag is nothing compared to this.

Loneliness takes so long to sink in.

You get used to someone for so long.

And then they simply leave.

And you realise when they're not there.

So you sit, you weep, and grieve.

The nutri-grain bar is untouched. The "oaty-richness" is

Pissing me off. I want to drown in the calories.

I couldn't care less what BBC news has to say.

Everything lies anyway.

Well, everything lies to me.

The nothingness pushes my chair over

And I end up on the floor.

I don't want to get up.

Not now.

Not ever.

Memoirs Of A Ghost

The knife I picked up was another heirloom.

Your grandma gave it to you, I think.

I remember her funeral quite well.

You asked me to attend.

Begged.

Pleaded.

It was as boring as hell, mind you.

I knew her as much as I knew you.

The sofa,

Obviously in the clearance area in IKEA.
We spent weeks arguing over which cover to get.

In the end you won.

That hideous maroon with flowers.

Out of place in the white living room.

The shoes, that I recommended, You ignored.

You had on that strange NIKE pair

Bright green, and with the white stripes.

You liked that band.

You liked most things.

You liked the way the shower always got cold,

So you had to keep turning the thermo up.

You liked the way that one of the lights in our bedroom

Failed to turn off, and you called the obnoxious light "romantic".

You liked the way that the trees blossomed

And you liked the photos we took near them.

You liked the way children were so simple

And that you could tell them anything

And they would believe you.

A bit like me, really.

You liked the way I ignored all the warning signs.

And you liked the way that I always loved you.

I 

was something you didn't like.

And although I am not really dead

My heart is buried and yet it is still true

And as in this empty house I tread

I realise I was always dead

To you

Stationary

A year ago, a friend of mine gave me a pen.
I savoured it.
It meant so much to me
To use something at every opportunity

Surely makes it seem a neccessity

And maybe it was

I kept it safe.

Hidden.

I never let it out of my sight.

Maybe that was my problem.

After a while, I stopped using it.

For fear that it would be damaged.

I didn't want anything to happen to that pen.

The one memory of you that isn't filled with pain.

The pen's broken now.

Snapped, clean in two.

If only every break 

Was so fair.

Pep Talk

It's been 3 years

Nothing

Still nothing

Why?

The bed hasn't been slept in for three years.

I can't even go in the room

The door is still ajar

The drawers, open

The wardrobe, broken.

I am the modern day havisham

Except I fear returning

Not leaving

But I still cannot forget.

Why can I not destroy the past

As it has destroyed my future

But remember

We are only ones that shape our destiny

Nothing

I said

Nothing

Will stand in our way

If we have hope

For it cuts through the lies

For it cuts through the past

For it cuts through the pain

As it is a knife

Made of love

The Last Lie

If I destroy your happiness.

If I destroy all happiness.

What is the point.

I just wanted to smile

I just wanted to laugh

To care

To love

But if I destroy every

Single

Happy person

Who is there to care for.

Who is there to love.

Things will get out of hand.

And happiness will die.

A Series Of Lies (2)

The bass line runs

And I do too

The drumbeat

Fuels my steps

The voice

Fluid

And I take flight

The wind cools me from the burning moon

And I swoop down on the people

I am the wicked with

The angel of death

The modern day satan

I take your joy

For if I cannot be happy, why should you

I screee

chhhh

And you try to hide

I find you

I snap

You out of your fear

By snapping you

I find the houses

And I watch them burn

My raging

tears 

through you

And I engulf you in flame

The icy coldness of the fakeness of my heart chills me

But I remember

By making you sad I am not any happier.

And my making you dead.
My stone heart is not any more alive.

A Series Of Lies

The constant numbess hurts me

The failure of my heart dulls the start

Of everything that I once would hope for

Such a bore it must be

To sit and watch love surround you

But never your own

How much fun it should be

To hear others speaking about relationships

And to realise you cannot empathise

I do adore those moments when you are asked

For advice

And you remain as blanked and inexperienced as your heart is

And it is only then

When you realise

How alone

You really are

I do not wish

For this to continue

Stop

I command

But 

No-one listens

I am simple a pin drop

In a crowded room

Not heard

Though when everyone is silent

I am the high pitched squealing

That everyone wants to

Turn off

I am a cushion

On the already soft seat

The soap

Next to the body wash

The sky

Next to the sun

The rock

Next to the stars

What is this?

"Nothing."

What am I?

Silence.

Begging

The woman pleads

"s'il vous plait"

No, I would not

I ignore her 

And carry on

Maybe if I block out

Every single request

Every question

Every single moment of longing

They will vanish

Dissapear

Lose themselves in their pointlessness

I realise now

That the truth is unavoidable

I would rather face it sooner

Than later

Now

I run back to the woman

I open my hand

I drop a coin 

The thud reverberates around me

This single moment

Of release

I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

Excuse the angels

And exclude the sin

You've all been nowhere 

Near

Where I have been

Through the depths

Through

The pearly flames

Limbo itself

Has banned me

I'm a rebel

I'm a star

I want a carpet

Of blood

I want a glass of poison

Sweet centred pain

Hand me my award

Oh yes

I thank you all for

Coming here

But most of all I thank the scum of the world

(Not referring to you of course)

I walk out laughing

Photographs

Magazines tomorrow

One hundred lovers

One for every tear I cry

-------------

Alone

Metaphors

I was at the library today

We took the headphone jack

Out of the socket

And music blared out

Imogen's trademark sex noise:
"aaaa"

Whilst the three of us

Clare

Tiemaz

and Me

exploded with laughter

The happiness expanding

But contained by our bond of friendship

No-one else seemed to have noticed

They didn't see what was so funny

It is like love

I think

Once in it 

You're on your own, but not

And you feel alive again

But no-one else sees why it is so beautiful

Destination: Unknown

The colourful shapes are in sepia

And the wet floor is thirsty

The crowd is lonely

And so am I

The sun illuminates the darkness

And I feel the warm heat

Cooling

Refreshingly boiling

The doors open

And the doors close

Nothing leaves

Nothing enters

Always the same

Stop

Time stands still

And I must weave

Through the people

Faster

So the hourglass won't

Break

The emergency exit

And fly out

Into the nothingness

I Talk And I Talk

In three weeks

I can look forward

To the beginning

Of the end

It is too soon

Already Easter

There is no time

Never was, though

There is no life

After death So

Why do we always

Do things later

Than we say

We will

There is no space

For thought, there is no

Gap for judgment, 

Do it now

Or never

I do not want

To leave this era

Nor do I want

To leave these memories

These tests

And I mean 

Not the examinations

Are pushing me

Off the brink

Of a dark dark cliff

Into a 

Dark

Dark

Sea

IH8UGO+DIE.

It's a bit of a statement, isn't it.
She told me that she thought you should be killed.

That's another.

I could make more.

But isn't the title enough?

How blatant must I make it?

How many times must I rewrite this poem,

Only changing the words

To realise it sounds the same.

Am I not capable of hate?

As much as I wish to depise

I know that it shall not be possible.

If I had the knife, 

If I had anything

I wouldn't be able to.

I talk of revenge and payback

Using sweetly sorrowful words

Though when the opportunity comes

I realise I am as as weak as you

Can I get rid of these emotion?

Of love and hate?

Why plural.

For love and hate are one.

Stand On Stage

You know nothing.

You think that sleeping around

With half the school gives  you the

Knowledge that only passion can

Introduce, that only passion can 

Create

Well sit down and have a think,

You fool, and remember that

All of your emotions combine to 

Create a shapeless

Lie

Something you fool yourself with

Maybe if you lose yourself in booze and fags

Then you'll forget who you really are

Maybe if you bury your face into 

Godknowswhat, you'll forget who you really are

Maybe if you blind yourself with drugs

And take a few shots to boot

You won't remember your identity

Well, I have something to say to you.

You shall never know love.

For you never knew hate.

And

In order to know the heart.

You need to know heartbreak.

Jumping Over Oceans

So you strain

Don't worry take the pain

It's worth it in the end

You'll end up setting trends

I did always tell you that

If you cleared your mind and sat

Beneath that shrivelled old oak tree

You would make it as alive as it should be

With practise you can breath 

Life into anything but then you leave

And everything you did once touch

Falls and you don't seem to care that much

'Cos when you hit those high notes

And the wind pushes those paper boats

You're in another world and I stare

At your perfection and I care

For your affection and its unfair

For everytime I swear

That I will make sure I prepare

For your beauty, and your flair

I spiral into despair, and my love

Goes spare, and yet I can never declare

The truth for if I dare

Though I shall not for I am aware

That with the others I cannot compare

For how can I gain something so rare

So I simply sit here, and repair

My heart broken by the wear and tear

So I give up, we won't be a pair

So I give up, I sit on your stair

So I give up, 

But giving up I can't bare

For I am in love

And it is like walking on air

Freefall

Im walking down a hill

My hands running 

Down

The cold pipe

Carrying my dread

The cold realisation

I tread on the weak ground

And my mind swallows me whole

No

I promised myself 

Enough

I try to hold on 

To something

Anything

But all of it has gone

There is only nothing

So I fall 

Freely

Everything is pointless now

All those pointless promises

All those hurried hopes

I should have known

I would have returned here

So I fall

Back

Into your

Beautiful

Poisonous

Arms