Happy New Year

I look out of the window.

And I see it all.

They all look so happy.

They all seem, so full of joy.

Walking into the distance,

They slowly vanish.

I open the window.

And I sense it all.

I can sense the rush

The

Surge

Of emotions, the

Excitement, the

Anticipation.

Must be exciting,

The start of a new year.

I place my hand out of the window.

And I can feel it all.  

The cold

The wind

The sting

The pain.

I place my foot on the ledge.

I can think about it all.

This new year

I will not experience.

Maybe then,

Maybe then...

I stand on the window ledge.

I look down.

And then.

I take my step

Into the abyss

Of nothingness

Into the blankness

Into the dark

Though however empty,

Dull

Bland

It seems, it bares no comparison

To what I am used to.

I have figured it all out.

As soon as I take my other foot off the window ledge.

I can stop seeing.

I can stop sensing.

I can stop feeling.

I can stop thinking.

I can stop hurting.

___________________________________________________________

I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Cold

Sitting 

Next to a warm radiator

Wearing

A warm hoody

Sipping

A warm drink

Somewhere, 

It will happen.

Shivering

Under a warm duvet

Withering

Faster than I hoped

Sleeping

Is no longer possible

Somehow,

It will happen.

Stretching

My imagination

Working

My imagination

Straining

My concentration

Someone,

Anyone.

Why can't it be any other day.

Just not today.

I wan't to live to see tomorrow.

As I know, it will be better.

Maybe if I try to forget.

The hoody

The radiator

The warm drink

The fire

The smoke

The smell of burning

I'll stop being so cold.

Fairytale

Your fingers tap impatiently on the desk.

At first, simply a mess

Then settling into a rhythm

Getting faster and faster

Your fingers a blur

And then you stop

A door opens

Out walks your angel

Off you go

Back to your fairytale

As the one who waited with you

Is simply forgotten

Your fingers glide across the keys

Effortlessly creating harmonious melodies

As I watch

It seems the keys

Black and white

Mix into one

Something I could not have imagined

Then again

This

Is

A

Fairytale

A door opens

Out walks your angel

And you leave

I take your place

And place my hands

Adjacent to the keys

But it seems all I can conjure

Is discords

Dissonance echoing

Clashes

Battles

Though it seems

Evem after I raise my foot

Off the pedal

The echo remains

Your fingers create

Staccato rhythms

On the various letters which determine everything

I can not see what you are typing

Though I know that your words will once again

Allow you to fly away

And 

Allow me to continue living my worthless life

I look around

The door opens

The dragon enters

He is evil

His eyes

Bright

Alight

Like the firebirds in slavic folklore

Bringing both luck

And death

His lips

Curled upwards

In a smirk

In his hands

I see

A gun

I think

Maybe if I can slay this beast

I can become part of your fairytale.

I grab his wrist

A shot is fired

You come running

A second shot

I collapse

And a third

And final shot

It is strange

When the dragon is your prince

And even stranger

That we don't live happily ever after

Nearly as strange

As us

Not living at all.

Open

Through the little gap of morality,

A light shines.

Open the doors,

And let the light flood through.

Let it be absorbed by you.

Become the light.

And light the light become you.

After all,

What else can you do?

It's not like you have any strength,

Or any brainpower which to use.

Its not like you have your own mind,

With which between actions, you can choose.

Through a little gap of morality,

Light shines.

Right through you.

And that light,

Becomes a beacon for all darkness.

I'm not being pessimistic.

I'm just being open with you.

Progress

It's been a while.

Maybe that's all I can say.

Maybe I can wake up,

To another day.

Maybe I can arise,

And to my surprise,

The pain is gone.

Maybe I can forget,

The way which in time it is set,

The memories which I 

For so long wanted to remember,

And the way I acted

I thought I would never regret

What is the point,

Of progress for progress' sake?

What is the point

Of all these chances we must take?

What is the point?

Of all these sacrifices we must make?

For there is an end.

And all must come to it.

Sign Here

Raise the pen.

The gold tip seems to gleam in the twilight,

The curves and indentations somehow,

Magnified,

They seem almost surreal in the

Near black of night.

A drop of ink,

Falls

Amost smoothly

From the pen tip, to the paper.

As it flies down,

You see reflected in its gleam,

Faces

Faces

Faces

Of all those,

Whom you are signing off.

Let the pen slowly

slowly,

Touch the paper

The dotted line

Draw the lines and curves of the  D

Scratch out, the points of the E

With force you create the vertex of the A

And with the penultimate T 

You follow with H

You place the lid back on the pen.

Engraved on it: Aim High.

You have done just that,

By signing off millions

To die.

Hammers

Pounding

IN

the back of my head.

I fear to turn,

OR

maybe, I will see you there.

I am scared to run,

AS

I may run towards you.

Faster

Faster

Faster

The hammers hit me

And 

Slower

Slower

Slower

my breathing becomes

Slower

Slower

Slower

my heart beats 

and then

IT

Stops.

Pale

Is it why?

Or is there something else.

For I am too scared to search you,

So,

Please, get up, and talk.

Is it why?

Or was it someone else.

For I am too shocked to leave you,

So,

Please, get up, and walk.

Help me, so I do not cry.

Or shall I also...

It has all drained.

The colour from your face.

The happiness from your cheeks.

The smile on your lips.

And now you are so pale.

Without your blood.

Without your life.

Carol For The Dead

Arise,

Oh, you, who were beloved so long ago

Your time has come again, to shine.

Though your bodies have long gone,

Your spirits remain,

And if you heed my words,

I will free them from pain.

All I say is one thing to thee;

The time of forgiving is once again near.

Just allow it to be one,

All that fear.

Oh, and I know you have made promises.

To those you love

And those you hate

But I ask of you my friends,

How long are prepared to wait?

For as long as you hold these grudges true,

Release will never come and find you.

At this time,

Of the birth of The Son,

Open up your eyes

And run

Towards those whom you so hate

And love them, with all your heart.

And as you know it, and they do not,

Forgive them for their petty crime,

For life is a dream,

That will end sometime.

If Only

How nice would it be.

If we could go back to the people we loved.

And pretend, that nothing happenned.

We could have a fresh start.

We could go for walks, on the beach

In the park

On the street.

We could get a bite,

Something to eat,

Something to drink,

This may seem superficial,

You might think.

Of course, that is impossible

You can not think.

And never will.

If only I could turn back time,

If only

If only

If only I could turn back those hands

if only

if only

But the truth of the matter shall never be forgot:

You are dead.

I am not.

Autobiography

I was never one to wait.

Paranoia subdued my patience.

I needed it all

Here

Now

In front of my eyes

Before I could believe it.

And, sometimes

I wish, that I wasn't like that.

That I could believe without having

To analyse everything

To work it out

To realise

The truth, is too much for me to bear.

I wish,

That I did not need confirmation.

That I did not need utter loyalty.

I simply wish,

That I too, could understand, after being told

Once

maybe Twice.

It is a blessing, some say

That I can figure things out simply by analysing them.

But I tell you.

It is a curse.

Stormcloud

Waiting patiently.

For the time.

The time of our death.

Like a strange

Timer

it slowly ticks down the hours

left of our lives

And when that timer

runs out

it begins

It starts, with only

a

few drops

And you say

"Its only

a little shower"

Of course

As per usual

You

Are

Wrong

Just like you were wrong about

Me,

Our love,

The life we could've had.

So we wait there.

I put my faith into your words.

and the

little shower.

Took them away.

Forever.

Remorse

Its a bit late.

Well, a few hours

Days

Weeks

Months

Years.

Sorry, well, its not enough.

To heal the

Pain

Sorrow

Terror

Heartbreak.

I do not see how you can make it up to me.

I doubt you see it either.

I wonder if you feel true remorse,

feel true emotion

or neither.

Memoirs

There is no such thing as happiness.
Destiny,

Fate,

They all lead to one thing:

Pain.

There is no such thing as love,

Lust,

Passion,

They all lead to one thing:

Hate.

There is no such thing as friendship,

Trust,

Laughter,

They all lead to one thing:

Doom.

And as I reflect on the memoirs which I have been left with.

They represent our happiness,

Love

and

Friendship.

Though now, they are nothing more than reminders of our pain,

Hate,

and our

Doom.

The End

Our end,

Is a new begininng.

For so many.

And yet for so few.

And I will bid you,

My friends

Goodbye,

Do not sit and cry.

But think,

Of all the happy times we shared,

Those moments of joy,

Where we knew no-one cared.

But realise, 

The end is nigh,

And though I would wish it otherwise,

I can do nothing, but sigh.

And you can do nothing but cry.

But remember,

Hold your head high,

And always, 

Just try,

Do not look back.

Do not think why.

Everything happens for a reason,

And the reason is the fact that it happens.

So understand,

The end is near,

Just as you,

I,

And all others fear.

But worry not,

Although our journey is over,

We always have those memories

Those moments

And 

The memories

Of

Those people.

And although they are gone.

Never forget them.

Echo

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

No answer.

No more sound

From the walls.

No more noise

No more nothing.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Is there a point in asking?

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
A year has passed, and you still greet the nothingness.

Maybe one day, it shall become something.

Maybe one day, the pain shall cease to be.

One day...
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
...Your calls will be answered.

Yours prayers, and you desires,

All fulfilled.

But be careful what you want.

And be careful of what you need.

So listen to me, of my advice,

Take heed.

Some things, which you utterly desire,

Are useless for your life.

Some things, which you utterly admire,

Shall turn your calm trees,

Into masses of fire.

Anf flame and rage.

And a burning page.

A page from your life.

A page from your death.

They are the same now.

You did not read, nor did you

Regret.

And the echo of your hello,

Made your death,

In stone, set.

Wall

Sectioned off,

Is an area of your mind.

Which no-one has entered.

Out of bounds,

Is a place of truth.

Which has not been discovered.

A place where

Entry is forbidden,

Lies just after the boundary 

Between

You

and 

I.

I cannot go over the line.

I must keep to my side.

And you must keep to yours.

That grey area,

The empty space between us,

could hold so many

Thoughts

Memories

Emotions

But it will never be able to.

For both you,

And I

Will be running away form those lines

So fast,

That we forget,

That the lines only ever exist when one is trying,

And with us,

We are always trying,

And so, those lines

Those boundaries

Those walls

Will separate us,

Always.

Holy War

Why is the sky so red.

Is it the sun,

is it blood?

We will never know,

Why the sky is red.

By the time we can see it,

We are dead.

Why is the ground so frail.

No plants grow,

Nothing, to no avail.

We will never know why it is this way,

Unless we leave our homes,

And ask for despair and decay.

Why is the sea so grey,

So lifeless, 

With nothing to guide its way.

Why is there nothing,

nothing,

to say,

Anymore, after today.

After today they say it ends.

They've been saying that since the beginning

Of this fray.

And this day ends,

And brings a new day.

A new day full of hopeless reduction,

A new day full of useless destruction,

A new day full of stupid abduction.

A new day full of 

New goodbyes,

One is born,

One hundred die,

A new day,

The same way,

The same people,

who always pray.

New soldiers that always try,

Not to fight, but not to die.

What is the snow falling from the sky?

Don't be silly, reason why.

If it is not snow,

then what can it be,

so pure and light, falling from above,

It is the ash of those so innocent,

Who tried to save our lives,

and our love.

12 steps.

There are twelve steps in all.

As impossible as it seems,

You cannot rise, but only fall.

Down another step you tread.

Mind the gap.

Mind your head.

Through another nightmare you stroll.

This time, you lose your soul.

Down another step you walk.

Time not to talk.

Time to stalk.

Stalk a person whom you know,

Someone who is down below.

Down another steps thats known,

Albeit this time you are not alone.

And your destiny has been sewn.

Although this number is only three,

Its as many as can be.

Oh, I see you ponder,

You read the title and you wonder,

"You said there were steps times twelve"

But now into the story we shall delve.

All your ideas I shall derail,

And alas, the truth, is now unveiled.

Step one is where you sense your doubt.

When you think another is about.

Step two is when you have a choice.

You ignore that little voice.

Not the one inside your head,

The one saying

"You are dead".

Step three is your final phase,

Where your life shall be erased,

Tut tut my friend,

You should look around before its your end.

Options

One, two or three.

Which option will it be?

One:

Walk through this door of pain,

And you will find yourself,

Outside,

In the rain.

You will soon see an unhappy sight,

Three people involved in a fight.

You have guessed correctly, 

Don't be shy,

Step right up to watch someone die.

Two:

Walk through this door of strife,

And you will se a gleaming

Knife.

Look around the kitchen floor,

A sight will make you pretty sore,

An image imprinted in your head,

It is time to admit it,

Step right up to find someone dead.

Three:

Walk through this door of gloom,

And you follow someone to their doom.

And as you walk past the grey slate,

You realise it is this place,

You hate,

It is filled with so much sorrow,

You dont think you can reach tomorrow.

Its OK, you are already saved.

Step right up...

To your grave.

Timeline

Let us return.

Return to the past.

Where it all seemed wrong.

Where it wouldn't last.
Let us remember.

How we all cried.

How it was all detroyed.

How we thought they lied.

Let us think.

Of here and now.

Of loves still present.

Which we allow.
Let us try,

To stem our tears.

Instead of permitting them

To fall, for years.

Let us hope,

To forget the past.

To move on to love

And know it will last.

Let us imagine,

Of futures pure,

Of happiness, 

Joy,

Of which I am sure,

One of those futures, 

Meant for two,

Will be meant,

For me,

And you.

Happiness.

Oh, it is so pure,
And it feels, so amazingly
innocent.
When love reaches out and grabs you,
when you least expect it,
and everything,
seems
perfect.

You love everything, and
everything seems to love you.
This
Is
Bliss.

There was no reason for my
Sadness, no point to my sorrow,
for emotion once again claimed me...
And I am,
for the first time,
in what seems like years
Happy.

Black

No, 

Don't

Think

That.

I

Am

Not

Who

I

Seem

To

Be.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Do not associate me with misery and pain,

Or with dark turmoil and selfless disdain,

Do not relate me to trouble and strife,

To loss of love,

And loss of life.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Do not call on me for events of sorrow,

Or use me as a word for no tomorrow,

Do not summon me by your side,

When you need an adjective,

For broken pride.

--------------------------------------------------------------

For I too, can be as cheerful as

Red, green, and all other colours too.

Do not look at my existence with spite,

for I, the colour black,

Am dark light.

Blue

Oh, how I have these winter blues.

These windows, now icy, have been stripped of their views.

These walls, now cold, have your portraits no more.

And slowly, your image, I lose.

Changing is deforming.
Rising is falling.
Growing is shrinking,

And my death is calling.

Oh, how I have these winter chills down my spine.

No longer can I call my life so divine,

The door, now closed, will open no more,

And I have not even the strength to have left a sign,

A message, a letter, a note...

Something written in midnight blue,

Something that sounds like "I love you".

Orange

Well, this is strange.

As strange as can be,

With me staring into my destiny.

I did not think it would be like this,

It seems so far away,

Like something I cannot reach,

Through a veil I cannot breach.
It is so...different than to what I want.
It is not better, or worse than my desires.
Nor is it like the dreams of selfish liars.
And to think I have to leave it behind,

For a life that I have been told to find.
It is not what I wish to do,

I wish to search, and to find you.
That is my destiny,

And what they say are lies,

And I wish it could be otherwise,

With me reaching into my life, and

Finally seeing that bright light,

which you are casting on the shadow of my love.
However, my pain shall continue, and my destiny shall rot.
The future, however beautiful,

Orange, it is not.

Blanket

I am safe underneath my blanket.

I can hide here, util everything is over.
Until I finally deem it safe to lift my head,

and look out,

to see if the storm has calmed.

It is so warm and loving here...

Unlike the places outside my haven.
It is mine, and mine only, the one place

Where I can be myself.

In this endless white tunnel, 

I see only the light. And not 

The darkness that threatens me,

The darkness that is always there,

Around me,

Above me,

Below me,

Beside me.

It is so  bittersweet, how at last

I have found peace.

But that peace is only confined in a space so small,

That one wrong moe would spoil it all.
So I have decided, to stay here,

Under my blanket,

Stay here,

Forever.

Smile.

Crippled, cold and alone.
You sit on the cold floor.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
For something that will never come.

You talk to people that pass by.
They just leave you to your despair.
You ask for compassion as you cry.
Asking for emotion which is not there.

Why do people have no soul?
Nothing to make them feel some love.
Why do people not care at all?
No joy raining from the skies above.

Why can't anyone see my pain?
The layers of sadness they undress.
Why am I still out in the rain?
They cannot find true happiness.

Why can't I find one true friend?
Selfishness will still prevail.
Why am I at my bitter end?
All my hope will one day fail.



As I walk past.
I see you.
Why are you at your bitter end?
Is there no joy raining from the skies above?
Why can you not find one true friend?
Is there nothing to make them feel some love?
Why can't anyone see your pain?
Do you not ask for compassion as you cry?
Why are you still in the rain?
Do you not ask for help as they pass by?
Why do people have no soul?
The layers of sadness, can't they undress?
Why does no-one care at all?

I will make sure you find happiness.
So you smile.
I smile.
And I take your hand.

Another Day.

Waking up without you by my side has never been easy.
Getting up, knowing you are not behind me.
Towards the door I walk, without your comforting smile.

Walking through the streets of happiness without you,
will never be easy.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with L.
Something I had the fortune to feel.
And yet something I had been cursed with.
Love is around me.
And yet,
It seems so far away.
Since you have been gone.

Returning without you is never any easier.
As I walk in through that door, knowing someone resides there no more.
I sit on the sofa for two.
Knowing it also misses you.
I sleep on one half of the double bed,
The other empty, and blood red.

Though not of colours meant to be.
Red may be the colour of love.
The case here is different, you see.
Not the one you're thinking of.
Blood red, is blood red.
Red is red.
And blood is blood.

And I pass another day.
The stain of your death always remains.

High School Musical 3 - The Review

OK, so what the hell, Zac Efron breaks the fourth fall in the first scene. He looks like he's having a fatal heart attack at this point, however, unfortunately, this is not the case. I can assure you, no movie which begins with extremely effeminite men playing basketball can end well.
To make things even worse, people begin to sing, no, I dont mean the spectators chanting, I mean the actual basketball players. Their voices are so extremely bad that this causes the spectators to grab whatever they may find and go into a tortoise shell formation to shelter theirselves from the evil voices of the basketball players.
As she is immensley ugly, Vanessa Hudgens, AKA ugly sket AKA Gabriella Montez, ignores the warnings of her friends and rises to sing her line, which makes Zac Efron realise that he needs to win, as otherwise he will be forced to listen to his girlfriend singing for the rest of eternity.
After this compilation of synthesisers and horrid choreography, We are introduced to another stereotype, who strangely enough is not gay.
He is the typical english grunge-type, and his nick name is rocketman. Elton John would NOT be proud. He somehow scores as Zac Efron throws the ball at him in the last second of the game.
WTF.
WHAT IF HE HAD MISSED??
But of course, in a High School devoid of failure, he scores.
Dammit...at least if he would've missed he would've been cut from every other scene. I cant remember what happenned next but I'm sure it involved lots and lots of pink.
Moving swiftly on from the gender confused cast, I am sure that we can at least find sanity in the only non-american person in this film, Tiara Gold (Jemma McKenzie Brown). I'm sorry, but the americans are so tired of being maken fun of they have placed this strange 14 year old with the fakest upper class british accent I've heart since I met miss gordon. Yes, she sounded like Miss Gordon. Also, she resembled billy piper, someone Im sure none of us would want to meet, but lets recap her life just to remind ourselves...
- Singer...FAIL.
- Actor...FAIL.
- Model...FAIL.
Wow...she's nearly as bad as ashley tisdale.
OK, I'm sorry fanboys, but she is about as hot as 0 on the kelvin scale. And if you're of course reading this and you like tisdale, I'm assuiming you have no idea what the Kelvin scale is, so I shall explain. 0 on the Kelvin scale is not hot at all.
And what is up with Lucas Grabeel? I mean, come on, could he get even MORE female.
Yes, yes he could.
I won't even go into any of his singing, as he reminds me of Daniel Evans from X factor. I thought, him playing a choreographer in the film, the dancing of the musical inside the musical wouldnt be nearly as bad as zac efrons eyebrows, but alas, I was proved wrong. OK, lets just leave the subplot, which involves Zac Efron choosing a university...
Sorry. Too good a chance to mock him.
"I dunno, do I play basketball, even though I'm nearly as bad as Mr Randall, (MHCHS joke), or do I go to the best performing arts school in America...ITS..SO HARD!!"
And of course, you have Vanessa Grudgens:
"I can't be more than 400 miles away form my Zackypoo....MUST NOT GO TO BEST UNIVERSITY IN A 3000 MILE RADIUS."
And then theres this scene where Zac and Corbin (Troy and Chad, for you fanboys) play around in the place where they were created. (The Junkyard, of course) and they then attempt to imitate power rangers IN SPACE, which fails as they somehow have a flashback to their childhood, where theyre wearing the same clothes, and the setting hasnt changed.
Yeah...that was weird.
Nearly as weird as Zac becoming upset as his gabbypoo cant join him for the musical. This forces his grunge-based understudy to become more of a drag queen, but more on that later.

Well, why wait.

This strange person, dresses up in nearly as much tinsel as Zac Efron himself, except of course, his voice is nearly as bad as Mr Singers. I thought we were spared HIS reappearance after we realised that Zac was returning, but no, he has to have his big role.

And of course, lets not forget how the films ends.

The budget runs out.

Causing the camera men to do a close of every single ugly face, while they just look utterly clueless. (When do they not?)

This film reminded me of "View From A Bridge" with one difference:
Zac Efron is more ambigiously camp than Rodolfo can ever be.

A Carol

As you look behind you,
Back on that one day,
Where if you tweaked one thing,
One action,
One word,
Everything would be different.

As you look behind you,
Onto that bright shade of red,
Of love,
Of hope,
You realise that it is fading each day,
It resembles now a brown,
Now a grey.

As you look behind you,
You wonder if its too late,
Too late to take back all that anger,
And that hate.
Too late to walk back through that door,
Realising no-one lives there anymore.
And yet,
You find yourself, thinking of fake
Pasts
Presents
And futures.

As the past comes by to haunt you,
You use the present to defend.
And as the future starts to daunt you,
It leads you towards your bitter end.

Sea of sorrow

Its been 5 years since I began.
Began here, and since then, I began to realise,
what it felt, to be truly,
and utterly...

One may laugh at my statement, but you would be
only one of the hundreds that laughed at me,
my essence
and my pitiful existence.

In the first year I though I felt true love,
As light as air, and as free as a dove,
And in that year I felt my heart break,
No more emotion I could take.

I tried that year,
and I failed,
and I shed one more tear,
and through the sea of them I sail.

In the second year I found a friend,
One to stand by me till the end.
In that year, much betrayal I knew,
Nothing said, was ever true.

I tried that year,
and I failed,
and I shed one more tear,
and through the sea of them I sail.

In the third year I learnt of death,
And how it can affect my life,
How it can twist our simple dreams,
And how it can end pain and strife.

I tried that year,
and I failed,
and I shed one more tear,
and through the sea of them I sail.

In the fourth year I fell so low,
Smitten by the final blow,
I felt like all had gone,
No more light through those clouds shone.

I tried that year,
and I failed,
and I shed one more tear,
and through the sea of them I sail.

In the fifth year it all went wrong,
And thats why Im writing this song.
To explain why I made the pain go away.
And why I could not take another day.

Its been 5 years since I began.
Began here, and since then, I began to realise,
what it felt, to be truly,
and utterly
despised.

In this year,
I will shed no more tears.
I will face up to my fears.
And I shall sail,
in the seas
of sorrow.

Think of me?

OK, so I admit, I may not be the most loyal,
that you have ever seen.
I may not turn up at your doorstep, with roses to
show how I feel.
I may not pamper you on your birthday, with petals and
love songs.
I may not always be the first to remember the day
when we first met.
Nor will I be the first to compliment you on the way your hair is different,
Or your make-up,
Or your clothes,
But I see these things, and what matters the most is that I may
not be the one that shows the most excitement,
But I am the one that cares the most.

I know it must be hard to you to understand,
and to believe me, but I swear it on my love,
No nuance of lies has left my mouth when it comes my affection,
for you.

Alas, all happiness has passed, and these words are no longer effective.
The time has long passed when I could say these and more to prolong
our feelings.
Maybe if I had started to notice the fraying ends of our blanket of hope,
Then I could have tied together the loose ends with the golden thread of the truth.

All that is left of that blanket is one strand, which was both the beginning, the middle...
And the end.
And as I look at your strand of hair, and at the desruction around it,
At the broken glass.
At the blackened photoframe.
And at the burnt place we once called home,
and
I wish, with all my heart,
that wherever you are,
you think of me.

Liberamente

The chains have fallen away,
And the days seem to be bright.
But when you think of yesterday,
You wish that maybe you had stayed,
And maybe if you had not taken flight,
Then those pieces of lust would not have been layed,
Haad not let him out of your sight,
The future, now dark, would have been light.

The cage has been thrown away,
And for the first time now you can sing.
Your voice can keep the dark at bay,
And yet you are still bound by a mental ring,
And all you can do, is hope, and pray,
That someday you will find someone, something,
Something you can try to say,
To just get through another day.

You realise the pain has gone away.

And although it may seem like you're free,
You're as trapped as you can be.

Con Affeto

What would you do,
If you realised the person you loved
loved you too.
Loved you...too much.

They tell you every feeling.
They ask for advice about emotion.
And they consider themselves,
lucky
to have you.

What would you do,
If the person you loved,
Loved you too.
What would you say,
If I were to mention,
It was love in another way.
How would you feel,
If I revealed the end;
That their love is only for a friend.

With everything she tells you,
About her love, you realise that it is not for you.
For every question she asks,
She asks for another.
And when she considers how lucky she is,
She means to have you,
as a friend, and that is all that you will ever be.

And yet you still look into her eyes,
Con affetto.
With affection.

Its Not Easy Being Green.

As welcoming as grass.
So easily can one be lost inside your lush imagination.

As clear as water,
So bright you glow with compassion.

Like nature itself, you thrive,
and grow.

You are the signal of progress, and change.
Which you have aided me to do many times before.

You light the path to happiness,
and not only guide us there,
you protect us on our journey.

Like an angel, you watch over us all,
and yet like an unsent soul you deliver judgment to those
who defy love and friendship.

If I were to say, that I would want you as my guardian angel,
It would still not be enough to express my love.

Then Again,
Its not easy being green.

For Ruth..As a birthday gift.

Very well, dear life, stroll away,

Away from me.

Follow the trails, which lead to me.

Ignore the countless warning signs,

That point towards your path.



For you do not need the advice.
You do not need the opinion of others, to stay as you are.
You do not change to please, nor do you please to change.


You are the only one, who seems to be the same,
whilst everyone is changing around you.
You seem to be the most sane,
Even though your sanity is questioned by ma

So let them scald you with their putrid words,
As they shall never penetrate your shell of hope.

Let them hurt you with their foul smiles,
As they can never hurt your eternal soul.

So let them adorn you with their careless words,

For your heart will not be fooled into those false desires.



Let them embellish you with their self-centred compliments,
For you know the truth behind their lies.



Look at the colours, and learn that they can never be as colourful as you.



Listen to the voices, and realise that they will never be as beautiful as your own.



Feel the many emotions which have caused tears to fall,
Knowing, that those who caused them will never know friendship at all.
Your love for all shall never end,
For every action has an equal and opposite reaction,
And as long as there is Ruthlessness,
There will always be Ruth.

Layers Of Love.

You peel one off everytime.
And yet it still exists; sublime.

You take off a piece when you try to talk it through,
Failing with every screaming "I love you".
One flakes off when you try to stop the pain,
Walking cold and alone in the burning rain.

You sacrifice a part when you are thrown against the wall,
And after the violence is over, and you are left there to fall.
You leave a piece behind when an apology is said,
Even though the blame is his, and his spirit is long dead.

You save a piece for later as you leave him behind,
Knowing you'll return to his heartless mind.
You keep one locked away in the confines of his soul,
Knowing it is so dark you will never find it at all.

You watch as it lessens everytime.
Your heart, your life, no longer sublime.
You wish that they would somehow stay,
But the layers of love have been taken away.

Broken.

You know who you are.
And you know why this has been written.
You know what you have done.
And how you left me smitten.

You knew who I was.
And knew how I loved you.
You knew my weaknesses.
And how to make my nightmares, true.

I promise I shall find you.
And I shall avenge my heart.
As you left it broken.
From the start.

Saving Private Ryan - Film Review

This film is not for the faint hearted. I offer my condolences to those simply too squeamish to see it. Apart from the fairly nostalgic scene at the prelude, the film is a frenzied denomination of disembarking terror, as Captain Miller (Tom Hanks) leads a group of star crossed troops to certain death. And guess what: most of them do die.
In spite of the difficulties they face, they delve into the dense depths of Normandy, to liberate one man. Steven Spielberg: “wanted the audience to feel the same as the green recruits”. And he certainly did just that. The events that follow seem to be much like a rhapsody, and also they seem to be just intense snap shots of de bâcle.
Anyway, this psychobabble isn’t getting us anywhere. The men seemingly lay down their lives in a frantic attempt to re-energise their hopes of saving the one man that can liberate them from total annihilation, and, in short, nothing worse than hell.
But is that statement even true? For all we are told, Ryan is just a namby pamby mummy’s boy who needs to get home ASAP. Of course, if that doesn’t happen, then he may get his brand-spanking new private’s uniform dirty. And I don’t think that any of us would ever want that to happen. But even the best of friends fight, even through a rescue mission. Alas, the troop’s experience some social discomfort, which may even slow them down from saving Saint Ryan who guards the gates to hell-umm-heaven...I meant heaven.
In between the random funny moments (and the just plain weird plank that seems to open a gateway for a hit squad of German soldiers) death and destruction also has its part to play, seeping in through the nooks and crannies of friendship, and in some cases, common sense. So enjoy the cheap idioms and puns while you can, even though most of them are not even punny.
The group’s saviour in times of need, the much hailed sniper, Barry Pepper, seems to have a way with words. That is, of course, until he blasts them out of the adversary’s head. Permanently. As he takes his post in the beginning parts of the film, we get to see a close up of his face, and now it’s our turn to look down the barrel of the gun, but also we see an eye, although part hidden by doubt, we can still the fear and certainty of death that resides there. As he prays for strength, he realises that he is doomed. If you didn’t know, in this context, doomed=dead. (Like we didn’t expect them to die anyway!)
Back to another camera angle, a deliciously gruesome one, which they have picked to show off his death, as he explodes in a spectacular fireworks display. That was my only highlight of the entire film for two reasons: one, it was very good camera work, two, I didn’t like the sniper guy (Jackson) anyway. It’s hard to believe that just moments before he was the one killing people.
Now, we go on to the music. Ah. I’m afraid to say that John Williams is getting old and senile (Just like Spielberg). His music is grey and insensitive (just like Spielberg’s hair). So dull and bland, that I cannot even remember part of the music to describe it to you. In an interview, Spielberg told us that his father told him stories of war. In my opinion, Spielberg did not listen very well. And hence, this is why he created a world of war that void of emotion and realism. Also, the music, it did not even have the ethereal magicality of Schindler’s list. Actually, it sounded more like an out of tune violin combined with nails on a chalkboard with use of a very old sound program. (Older, in fact, than Spielberg). Actually, both the former and the latter comparisons are better than the music for the film.
But let’s go back to the beginning of the film. Do you really want to waste 20 minutes watching people die? And if they do survive, their limbs end up getting blown off. After that piece of simple gore, we are made to realise the monotonous plots. Suddenly, the film version of Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix doesn’t seem to bad, does it? (I only meant the subplots, the rest of the film is too appalling to describe). And, hey presto, the plot is:
8 MEN SAVE ONE MAN
That should have been read in a monotonous voice. We may as well get some shut-eye now as that’s the plot the entire way through.
And talking of men, where are all the women in this film? Did they not have a part to play? It is quite clear that where sweaty male soldiers lie, interesting subplots do not. It is typical in war films. (Cough cough cough). I mean, even Schindler’s list was worse than this (cough wink nudge).
When we see Adam Goldberg, portraying the Jewish Private Mellish, weep to the heavens as he casts his eye on a Hitler youth knife-WOW-real sentimentality,-no, it is revealed to us that it is just another object of murder. The next time we see this knife, it is buried in Mellish’s chest. Spielberg has to relate it all to death, doesn’t he? The knife that broke his heart once did it again, albeit now, the meaning was quite literal.
Actually, we may as well stab ourselves now, as watching the film would probably have the same effect. It’s all like a tragic melodrama, but without the mellow. (Actually it really isn’t that dramatic either, as we expected them to die anyway). The film does not even have the otherworldly touch of ET, though it does have double helpings of Tom Hanks’ and Barry Pepper’s good looks, even though they probably look worse and act worse than ET anyway. For all of the 53 nominations it achieved, to me it’s just another director trying (and failing) to portray a war.
Verdict:
Spielberg: you should have stuck to sci-fi.

My Great Escape

This is my entry from a random competition AGES ago, that I wasnt bothered to enter, as it wanted me to go up to reception. It was entitled "My Great Escape"

"Hundreds of cars, buses, and people have stopped. They look up. The boy does not notice these people. He does not notice anything.
On the mirrored glass building he is nothing but a speck of darkness.
His life was full of pain. Torment. Anger.
And he was always, so very alone.
All these people were shouting at him, screaming, pleading, people trying to reach him, people desperately grasping at him. He takes a step forward. He is on the edge. He is crying. The tear falls.
Down.
Down.
Down.
In that tear, all the hurt and pain that the boy has felt is symbolised. His entire life, reflected in that tiny drop of water. Like the boy, it is alone.
The tear hits the ground. It shatters, just like his dreams did many years ago. The boy looks around. There are people, above, below, and beside him. They are talking. He cannot hear them. There is only one thing which cuts through the sadness in his mind.
It's his mother's voice. She is talking to him.
"It's going to be OK. All you have to do is come with us"
The boys tears now freely fall, and he whispers
"I'm coming"

The boy jumps.
He falls,
Down
Down
Down
Towards his parents.
They are smiling.
They are waiting with open arms.
They are happy to see him.
He is almost there.
His parents look up at him.
They are happy.
He falls into their open arms,
And they are together again.
He is not alone.

The boy has escaped.
From life."

March of the doomed

Walk with me, with a stench of death.
Smile with me, take your last breath.

Walk towards me, even though its absurd,
Open your mouth, and say your last words.

Walk past me,
Into the midst of wrath,
And see me laugh.

Simple Analysis

Look into my eyes.
Can you see what lies there?
Look into my eyes.
and see the fear that resides there.

Observe my moving mouth.
Can you decipher what I'm saying?
Observe my moving mouth,
as you realise that I'm praying.

I look at your hand.
With such misery and dread.
I look at your hand. You smile and
I'm dead.

Earth and Fire

I am in the fire.
My memories are burning.
My emotions charred.
My life, scarred.

I am by the earth,
Which you are in.
Taken you were.
By immortal sin.

You cannot see me,
As I cry by your grave.
Through earth and fire,
Through smoke and flames,
And through the smog of pain,
My life,
you saved.

Home

Wave goodbye to your life,
and embark on a journey through
time itself.

Walk through that door,
and wave hello to your family.

They cannot see you.

--------------------------------------

Wave goodbye to your life,
close the door and walk towards your new life.

Walk out of the pain, and onto a new day.

--------------------------------------

Walk through the door,
Wave hello to your family.
Wave hello to your life.

Walk past the body of your mother,
and walk towards her murderer.

"Hello Dad."

Welcome Home.

For Emma.

How many times have I stared into your mysterious eyes,
only to have my heart crushed by your mysterious sighs.

Why do you not see how much you mean to me?
If only I had the courage to ask you these questions and more,
On the wind of love we would soar.

However I know, that our love no matter how true,
shall never be one which we can both pursue.
And also I know, that a love so pure,
I can not think of anymore.

It is like we are living in worlds apart,
but we are sharing the same beautiful heart.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are at last, next to me.
Just not in the way it was meant to be.
I can hear you move, your every breath,
takes me one step closer to my emotionless death.

As you place your hand next to mine,
And even though I know theres rain,
I feel the sun begin to shine,
on you and me, to ease the pain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, how I wish that I could change.
Oh, I would change the world for you.
And I know it may sound deranged.
But so do all other lovers too.

Those who fly

Gliding on the open fields of crystal hope,
I am.
Sliding through the drops of dearest dreams,
I am.
Riding on the winds of moving light,
I am.

Falling through the velvet skies of hope,
I am.
Crawling through the clouds of dying dreams,
I am.
Stalling at the specks of moving light,
I am.

Sinking through the sea of glowing hope,
I am.
Thinking through the loved ones dreams,
I am.
Blinking as I miss the moving light,
I am.

The light escaped my eyes,
It is singing my lullaby.

And as I close my eyes,
I think of you.
And although I may be dying,
I think I may be flying too.

Revealed Decisions

Hello.
And I see now how you greet me.

How are you?
And I see now how you treat me.

Goodbye.
And I see now how you defeat me.

----------------------------------------------------

Hello.
Hello, the one who with hate and spite greets me.

How are you?
I am fine, the one who wants to ill-treat me.

Goodbye.
I mouth helplessly as I let you defeat me.

----------------------------------------------------

Our conversations shall never span more than those three lines,
For I give out all my love, and you give out opposing signs,
I am stepping into a field of emotional mines,
when I try to make our words more than that of simple friends,
Knowing that my efforts will come to no good end.

----------------------------------------------------

Hello.
For once, you did greet me.

How are you?
You try not to ill-treat me.

Goodbye.
No longer shall I let you defeat me.

"I love you."

You look at me.
I am filled with delight.
And then I realise that your eyes are filled with spite.

Silence.
And then

"Goodbye".

Aurora

The darkness will end.
and light will follow.

Rushes of noise,
Clips of light,
Parts of touch,
All out of sight.

In the darkness they hide,
until they are revealed by light.

They say he went off, into the distance.
They said they would find him when dawn came.
They said he would stop his silly game.
They said that he must return soon.
Even though he left, the previous noon.

They would wait until the dawn,
until he would be revealed to them.

Rushes of noise,
Clips of light,
Parts of touch,
All out of sight.

In the darkness his corpse hides.
It is out of sight.
Until it is revealed by the dawns light.

Return Of Faith

I summon you,
to me.
I wonder when,
it shall be.
I call you from,
the grave.
I shall make sure,
you are saved.

Come forth oh faith,
whos symphonies are the music of life,
and whos life is the synphony of death.

Come forth oh faith, for you are only called,
whenever there is despair.

She said; run your hands through my hair.
He said; With love into your eyes I stare.
She said; the love we once had is no longer there,
and all that remains are the broken
fragments of my heart, reflected in your honest eyes.

Come forth oh faith,
Rid me of shame,
As we play at love, the foolish game.

Come forth oh faith,
Stop the lies,
the ones which broke those friendship ties.

Come forth oh faith,
Stem the flow,
of blood and tears and lust also.

Come forth oh faith,
Together, pieces of life I have pieced.
Only to realised they are deceased.

Silence

Where have all the voices gone?
The ones which through the darkness shone?
Why has all the laughter gone?
When I am still living on.

I do not like the sound of silence.
I do not wish to hear nothingness.
I would rather live in a world of light,
Then in this silence stay and fight,

Fight the eternal dark.
The shroud of horror.
The veil of death and despair.

Everything we hold dear, is gone.
Everything we take for granted,
has been shunned away.
We shall not see happiness another day.

The time to act is now my friends,
or we shall live in silence until the end.
We must fight those who wish us harm,
in order to save themselves from their own evil.

Please, speak out.
End this silence.

Broken Determination

Into the darkness, I shall stride.
Into the darkness, towards your side.
Into the darkness, I shall go.
Into the darkness, which I do not know.

I shall walk through the unknown to get to you.
Just please tell me your love is true.

Through the misery, I shall stride,
past the pain, and suicide,
Through the misery, I shall go,
when I find you I shall know.

I shall walk through shattered dreams to get to you.
Make sure our hopes aren't shattered too.

Past the heartbreak, I will stride,
so I can be broken at your side.
I have walked through the unkown to get to you,
and I know now your love is true,
However that love is not for me,
never was and never will be.

Forces

I do not know what made us so close,
or what split us so far apart,
the wedge that was driven in between our love,
was also driven through my heart.

I do not see why you did scream,
why you hid and why you lied,
nor will I ever comprehend,
the reasons of your suicide.

All this time I have waited here,
waited for the forces to bring you back,
those very forces who bittersweetly,
made you take your car on the tracks.

I do not know why you did what you did,
and although some call it destiny,
I know that it was not meant to be,

nor your death,
nor you and me.

Hope

How long have I waited for the messages that never came.
How long have I yearned to stop the pain.

How many times have I knocked on your door.
Only to realise you live there no more.

How often did I try to talk,
to you, and yet somehow my words were
drowned out by your eternal beauty.

One look from you, can stem the flow,
Of all those tears,
cried years ago,
And this is why I love you so,
And this is why I always hope,
That there is no need for me to cope,
without you.
As I know, that you are always with me, no matter
where I go.
Always by my side.
You are in my soul, in my spirit, and in my heart.
We are never together and yet never apart.

As much as I beg it to be true, I love you,
Yet you will never love me too.

I hoped to love,
and loved to hope,
and that was my downfall.

Beautifully Ugly.

It is what is inside of us all.
A dark spirit waiting to be called.

It creates blemishes which create tears.
It destroys hope and brings new fears.
It preserves silence and eradicates sound.
A evil which cannot be found.

It is what lurks inside of us all.
And it shall bring out downfall.

It stops the laughter and the joy,
and carries out its manic ploy.
It starts the screaming and the pain,
and tortures the minds that are so sane,

It is the essence of life,
And yet it brings only death.

I am talking of love, and all its
causes, and all its
weaknessess, and how it remains,
somehow,
the only thing, which is
Beautifully Ugly.

Nuvole

Rise higher than you are.
Fall lower than you shall be.

Watch pieces of yourself descend into the unkown.
Helpless, you wait until you
disintegrate.
Your time has come.

You fall so fast, through the air.
Millions falling with you, yet you are
still
unique.
You shall have your own story.
Just like we did, years ago.
So now I tell you,
do not be afraid.

You may be falling, but you are rising.
Rising through new worlds, new peoples, and new
lives.
Lives which you can change.

Little cloud, do not feel so small.
For you are the biggest of them all.

Please.

I beg of you,
don't let me go.

Don't let me fall, through all the pain again.
I am not like the others, I shall not cause you
such misery, I shall make sure that you are
safe.

Walk into the shelter of my arms, they shall protect
you from all those who seek to harm you.

I promise you, you are safe.
I know that you shall one day, be able to
look after yourself, but until that day comes,
I am always here,
Through all the hurt, I shall be here.
Through you tears, I shall stand, and through your fears,
I shall land
myself into the world of your soul, so complex and yet so
embedded with comfort.

For now I am safe inside you, and you are
protecting me.
Please, do not let me go.
Please, do not let me fall.

For when you say your goodbye,
You let go and I shall die.

Eternity

Neverending we shall be,
blessed is our destiny.

All the time we have to love,
and think what we are thinking of,
all we need is always here,
and we have all the time to hold it dear.

Everything dies, but we do not.
We shall watch it all fade away,
Living to see another day.
We shall wait til the days fade away,
They are not needed anyway.
All fades and we shall stay.
always waiting,
to fade away.

Neverending we shall be,
cursed, is our destiny.

Ballad

I think, therefore I am.
What I am, I do not know,
just as you do not know. And so,
I shall tell you;

Heed this song, heed these sounds and noises which you hear,
do not be fooled by lust, my dear.

A story of love so true, something which cannot
be found.
A story of love so true, never containing, me or you.

You see how her spirit flies, how she drifts through the lies,
you see how his body strides,
into the flames, and by her side,

How they escape unharmed,
as they have hope,
and that is their shelter.

Patience

Oh, I shall come, as
I promised years ago
wait for love, as it shall come.

Doubt not my arrival, for it is true,
doubt not undying love for you.

But as my love is undying, I am not,
who am I, you forgot
I may not be the one you're waiting for,
so to find true love, wait some more.

Wind

How can I be so quaint.
How can you be so light.

We float on this thin breeze, nothing more than specks of light.

Why is it that you are so, so beautiful in ever way, and
so my words just are blown away.

When did I first understand,
I needed to feel the touch of your hand,

As we stride through hate and hope,
for your hand
I desperately grope,

Only to realise the wind has blown it away,
And all that remains is a speck of light in your place.

Memories

Watch me as I wallow in the fields of drowning memory,
Through death and pain I must crawl,
In order to find myself.
All is lost, all is gone, within my fields of memory.
Lost time ago when those I loved could love, and those
I hated could hate.

Watch me as I soar through the skies of hope
And truth, to realise they are only remnants
of a sky so blue.
Now grey and bland without you.

Watch me as I linger on our distance memory night and day,
And watch the memory as it slowly fades away.

You.

All I wanted was for you to see me.
So I stood right in front of you.
All I wanted was for you to hear me.
So I began to scream.
All I wanted was for you to talk to me.
So I walked into you.
All I wanted was for you to help me.
So I fell to the floor.
All I wanted was for you to lift me up.
So I began to cry.
All I wanted was for you to care.
So I began to die.

All I want is you.
So I begin to make you want me too.

So I begin to change my look.
All you want to do is look at me.
So I begin to shout to you.
All you want is to hear me.
So I begin talking about you.
All you want is to talk to me.
So I begin helping your friends.
All you want is help from me.
You fall down.
All you want is to be lifted up.
You want to cry.
All you want is me to care.
You want to die.

I stop wanting you.
Its time you stopped wanting me too.

My Life..WHAT!! yet ANOTHER rubbish poem?

I can see it in your eyes that

As I walk by you scowl inside,

Pushing me away, like so

Many others have done so.

Please don't do the same.

Walking though a minefield, Yet feeling

Quite safe, is, I assure you, something 

That I do not usually do. One wrong 

Move and everything combusts, and your 

Life explodes around you, and you can't

Stop that from happening. You just watch

Everything fall to dust around you, and 

No matter what you do, you can't get

Out of there.

Let me out.

Back to reality, you scowl standing tall, but

This time it's real life, and you watch me as I fall.

I explode into life and I can't stop myself from

living. I fall into dust, but no matter what I do, no-one

Gets me out of there.

I want to get out.

Every emotion, all at strife,

I tell you my friends, 

Welcome to life.

"Untitled" - Chapter 1- final part

URGH. THIS TOOK ME LIKE HOURS TO GET RIGHT.

Marcus:

It's been nearly a month now since dad left. I am keeping a diary, since I can't tell anyone anything anymore. I suppose I'm not gonna forget it. But I don't want to write it down either. That way the proof's always there. If I can't forget it, then why NOT write it down. It's not like anyone's going to read any of this.

I think it was year ago, sort of. Well it started out before that, rumors, nasty comments, etc. But the real stuff happened a year ago, when I was 14. It was my birthday today though, but thankfully no-one knew that. I don't like people getting all excited. Anyway, I told my friend Evan. I didn't know that he was gonna tell anyone. But he did. I dunno how, it just somehow got out to the entire fucking school by the next day. I then found out that Evan told Svetlana. And then, well, it sort of spread. And then I got the notes in my homework diary.

"Fuck of you faggot".

And that was the nicest one. I mean, its not like I was expecting open arms from everyone, but I wouldn't think that people would make such a big deal about it. So I'm gay, so what? If I knew that our school was so fucking homophobic I wouldn't have told anyone, especially not Evan. But what pisses me off is that Evan was such an idiot. And he didn't even try to help me out of some of the more serious situations.

It started off with people just ignoring, like I had some sort of fucking contagious disease. No-one talked to me for at least a week. But I always heard them talking about me. When I talked to Evan he just blanked me. And it was even worse with Amar, he just started laughing at me for no apparent reason. It got worse, people would vandalize my stuff like my schoolbooks, and shit like that. I thought that they would stop after they had something better to do. But it seems like they didn't have anything better to do. I mean, I had a "talk" with my head or year, Mr Thomson, and he told me to tell the police if the bullying got too far. I thought that they would stop it after they had been warned in assembly. I didn't even know who "They" were. I was told by Jennifer that Evan started it. I though Jennifer was lying, like she always did, (She's Luke's sister, and I didn't want him to hate me from the first day here, but he doesn't seem to know about me), but she was telling the truth.

I then realized that I had to make them stop, and so I did tell the police. They called in Evan and his posse, and told him to stop whatever he was doing. He seemed all solemn and they told him to write me  a letter of apology. But they said that I had to give it to my parents. My dad was catholic, and sort of homophobic, so I didn't want him knowing. But before I could tell the shitty police officer, Evan had gone and given it to him as he was outside. He read the letter, as it was addressed to him. Evan had gone when I got outside. Dad just told me to get in the car. Mum wasn't there, and I was a little scared. But he didn't do ANYTHING, we got home and he slept. Mum was at home. She was sort of crying. The school had phoned her. As soon as I walked in she ran up to me and hugged me. I was like "Ok then...". I think she was a bit concerned. What parent wouldn't be? But dad told me to go upstairs. I asked him why and he told me to fuck off upstairs. I was scared. But I went upstairs.

I heard shouting. I didn't really get what they were saying, but I'm a really deep sleeper so I fell asleep really quickly. When I woke up, I was a bit, you know, confused, on what happened. But I went downstairs and well, there was no-one there. And there's still no-one there.

They sort of just...left. But there was a note on the fridge. And it said :

"We have no son, we never had a son, and we do not know you".

It kinda upset me. Im over it now, but when people ask where you live, its sorta hard to say that you live in a care home. But that wasn't the worst of it. So social services came and took me away, and then I found a new home.  Yeah well when I got to school the next day, and this was like 2 weeks after Svetlana told everyone I realized that people were talking to me. And Evan talked to me which was quite a shock. But he didn't seem normal. So I asked him "are you OK".

He just walked away.

And this was after school, so I walked away as well.

I walked through green lane to station road in Edgware, and then got the train to Hendon Central, and then walk home, which doesn't take a long time. But as I was walking through green lane, well, I was sort of...attacked. I think thats the right word. Yeah well basically one of them had  a knife and yeah. They sort of stabbed me. It wasn't very nice. Next thing I remember, I was in hospital. I would have thought that Mum and Dad would have been there, you know, sure, they didn't want a son, but "Marcus" was stabbed. Yeah well I got a letter from hendon school saying that they accepted me, as I was on the waiting list before. That meant I had to say Goodbye to London Academy. Goodbyes. I didn't have many, I was sort of in intensive care.

After a week, and this was in half term, so no school missed, I got another letter from hendon school saying that I could go in a years time. I got private tutoring for a year, and it was as boring as hell. But thats not the point. A nurse came into room. I asked her where my parents were "naturally". She told me to be brave, Im like "Ok I will".

Mum was dead. Dad killed her.

And I'm just stuck on the in between. There's a court hearing in a month, and depending on what evidence I give one of two things could happen:

-dad could be sent to rehab.

-dad could be given life in jail.

I don't know what to do.

And why did everyone laugh when I talked to Shreya?

But, anyway, that's my story, and I don't want to end like it did before.

I just hope that maybe, someday, someone could see me for who I am, not what I am.

well today my friend's father showed up. so me and tulsi started talking about homework and about how we love school. And of course, how school is FUN.

and lets not forget the people that have a GCSE exam tomorrow.

UBERKEEN.

OHMADAYZ.

isitman?
I swear, you can change the FONT.
oohhhh.
but all of these are ANNOYING.
This isn't BAD, I s'ppose.
but this is the best.
I swear I had the most juxtaposed day. I dont even know what I'm meant to write on this blog.
I realised no-one tells me anything except for the people that actually care about which; which brings that number up to ONE.
Ok now I am completely stuck.
how about a random POEM????
too late, its already formed.

(OMGITSANOTHEREMOPOEM)

Life is more like a hole than anything else, always
Waiting to be filled, but never stating what to be filled
With, and never ceasing to be empty, no matter what you
Fill it with. Even those who tell others that life is never
Empty, even they cannot make it full, as they know that it will
Always be a hole

Dark and mysterious, like life itself,a mystery, and whats at
The bottom of the hole, well we'll just have to wait. But there are
Those who don't want to wait for that, the plunge themselves
Down the hole and hope that they will reach the light.

But listen to Sabrina:
The light at the end of a tunnel is just a train.

"Untitled" - Chapter One (BLOGbook)>>PART ONE

(This is a wannabenovel by the way)

FOREWORD:

just in case you didn't notice, this will ALL (that's right ALL) be in diary entries. Each "Character" being mentioned in italics before the diary entry.

When there is no name mentioned, the event will be a narration of what happens at that specific moment, with no bias involved or intended.

Chapter One

20th May 2008

Rose:

Urgh. How on earth could that absolute idiot forget my BIRTHDAY. Shreya fucking promised she'd get me that Amy Winehouse album. And what on earth was Cullam thinking with that crappy water bottle. He absolutely ruined my new Dolce&Gabbana bag that daddy got me from New York. I mean this is Hendon, not a water fighting village constructed from idiots. I swear one day I will MURDER him. If he touches ANY of my designer clothing ever again.

And Shreya, not only forgetting my birthday (even though I reminded her YESTERDAY,) what a whore, I mean she knows that I am deeply in LOVE with Luke, but she actually accepted his request to go with him to the cinema.

I hope that bitch dies of fright, even if the film is some CRAPPY romance. I mean, and I totally understand her, she never gets anyone asking her out, unlike moi. I mean, we all know that she's an ugly whore, but why can't Luke see that? It's not like she has looks, I mean she's like a total freak. She actually reads revision books. What a total saddo. I mean, she's lucky enough to even get a response from moi on msn, and I actually accepted her friend request on myspace, but that was only because I could get my friends up to 500. I mean, I'm surprised that she even HAS any friends anyway. She put ME in HER top friends. Does she not get how embarrassing that is? I am WAY too important to be there.

And what is it with the new boy, Marcus ,I mean is he like dumb or something, he actually SPOKE to Shreya. I mean, no-one is allowed to talk to Shreya. I don't even know why I talk to Shreya. I should really stop.Urgh, I mean, I don't even know what I mean anymore.

Shreya:

Wow. Luke asked me out... well in a way. I'm so excited, this is my first date. And Rose was a bit apprehensive about Marcus, but I s'ppose that's just her telling people to stay away from new people. I think I've got a friend! Well, apart from Rose, because she's just too nice to me. Sometimes I wonder if she secretly talks about me behind my back, but she's too popular to do that, if she did then half the school would know.

It was quite funny when Cullam wet her though. I didn't laugh, cos she's my friend, but I chortled a little. She was really angry at me for forgetting her birthday present. I wanted to bring it in, I really wanted to, but it's just it sorta got broken.

It's not my fucking fault that it broke, but she's probably told the whole school that I did it on purpose. I don't even know why she talks to me, no-one else does. It's not like anyone wonders how it broke, and even if they did know, it's not like they would care.

Cullam:

hehehe. I wet Rose today, and the whole school laughed at her. It was my little birthday gift to her. 15 at last, she is. She says that there's only a year left before she's at the "legal age". It's not like she's gonna lose her virginity. The whole SCHOOL knows that she already lost it to SOMEONE.

God Shreya's such a freak, how could she even dare to forget the CD. She is gonna get murked by Rose tomorrow. It seems I have to end this entry, because I can't let Jay find out I have a diary.(He comes around my house like 3 times a week) I swear he idolizes me...follows me around school like my little servant friend, he WANTS to be my best friend... then again everyone does. Anyway, Jay will not find out I keep a diary-I'm way too cool for that.
People take that I just "am" cool, but no, it takes hard work, its not like I was BORN amazing. Everyones so jealous of me.
I cant believe that Shreya hasn't realised it yet.

Luke
I am begginning to think that Shreya is an abolsute idiot. I asked her out as a JOKE, and she still hasn't got it yet. lolige at cullam murdering Rose. We have some new guy in out class, I dont even know his name, but he SPOKE to Shreya. we need to teach him some school rules
1.DONOTTALKTOSHREYA
2.DONOTEVERTALKTOSHREYA
and
3.DON'TYOUDARETALKTOSHREYA.
Shreya, is, officially the school freak, and I cant let people think that I actually asked her out properly. I am going to have to tell her the truth; that shes a freak and she would be the last person I would date. If I dont, who knows what people will think of me??


END OF PART ONE
I AM NOT WRITING ANYMORE
UNLESS IF I AM BOTHERED.

I swear down...

One day, I will blame Sabrina. One day, I shall wonder why on EARTH I started a blog. Like everything else I sign up for (Myspace, Facebook, etc), once I actually get it...I sort of don't ever get OFF it...as in..I have to be on it 24/7
-or otherwise I throw tantrums.
About the name of this blog, all credits go to "Natasha". Not that you know who that is, of course, but names always help.
Urgh. This is going to be (possibly) the most uncared-about blog on the whole of "Blogspot". That probably didn't even make sense.
I will now go on a verbal rampage notated in the english alphabet.
URGH.Who on earth invented examinations?
Why would you want to sit them?
and WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU READING THIS?!
(interrobang needed)
Do you people have nothing better to do.
you know I'm going to write an online book, on this very blog, just to amuse myself, and THAT is how sad I am.
I have NO idea what it shall be about, but I can tell you that it will (as will everything else that will be posted on this blog) include sorrow and misery.