Person

The clouds are strolling
In the mellow sky
The hour is passing
The trees are dancing
With delight, but I do not know why

My tears are drowning
In the shallow sea
Where my heart must go
To find the deepness, so
I walk to where I must be

Your life is standing
On the wall
My smiles are taking
The jealous awaking
To break it all

Our words are silent
Outside this place
Where touch is gone
And it seems no-one
Can bear to face

Their selves are falling
Into where they are told to rest
It seems no thought
And it is not sought
That those that are best
Are not taken by
Their feelings lest
They lose the will
To reach and fly
And leave the nest
Though their wings are flailing
They can only ever try
For they hold onto their feelings
And once kept inside
They die

One Day

One day I will realise
That I am who I am
Not because of what is seen
In your eyes
Or what may have been
If I did sacrifice
Myself within

One day I will understand
That the words spoken
Will guide me through the unknown
When you not here to hold my hand
And I have outgrown
Little costumes
The past fades away
Like your footprint
In the sand

One day I can forget
You ever were
And then I shall rise
Above doubt and regret
And look in your eyes
And feel only light
My heart is set
On flight
From this one day.

Dust

But still

I am searching
For that thing beyond all
My heart did fall, but until
My hope fails to sing
To answer your call
I shall sit on the window sill

Looking out

Into the world
At all the tiny specks
Of what there is, and shout
That everything is important
It matters not how I reflect
Or what people see it to be
About

For to me
You will always be
The truth
In a lifetime where
I could never think
So happily
That anyone could affect
My small existence, there
Now must be,
Some honesty

With you I am
No longer cold
With you I am
No longer dust,
but Gold

Every little thing
Has it's own beauty to sing
Through the skies
Through the night
They can make ashes into flame
The broken hearts can love again
And even when the thought long dies
There need not be sacrifice
For I will be here, always.
To guide them
Through the dark
And through
The pain.

Looking In

Don't believe
That it will be over
Because of the things you say
And because of the way

You think I'm colder
Because you did leave
Me to call the
Ones that you would grieve

I still sit
Where I sat before

In places past
Memories to last
And you try to ignore
But I have been hit
And the wound still sore
And I try to give more
But it seems

I will always be
In places cold
Looking in
To what is warmth
As I am told
For I do not know
Kept inside in the dark
I have never tasted
Bitter love's remarks

The snow begins to fall
The icing on the fake
Person I do seem
From the other side

Away

What do I do?
The others are beckoning
The other side of the water
The bridge
Still there
For one last chance
Is what everyone deserves

Do I walk
Across
Do I give in
To what seems to be
Much better.
But whenever you talk
I wonder

Do I stay
For the waters are calm
But the bridge
Only allows one.

A choice to make
A heart to break

So I sit

On the egde.

And I wait.
For some miracle
To rise up from within
And lead me

There are times
Where I believe
With one look
You can turn the sea into ice
And then shatter it
With one smile
I fear
My feelings shall return
And I shall fall
Into the darkness

How long must I be
Neither here
Nor there
Neither far nor away
From something
So very rare

There are no sweeping
Winds
No reason for me
To stay and see
And to be
Once again
Destroyed by honesty

But it seems to me
That it is better
In the vain thought
Of something better

Because for all I know
The other side
Could be wetter
Than any rainy night
Where I confide

Everything I know of you
Into the skies
And I am soaked to the core
With the cold of my hurt
And although it pains me to say
I was a liar
When I said I cared no more

So I break down the bridge
My last chance is dire
So I cry and I wait
For
One day,
Your arms will carry me
Over the storms
And into the sun

Course

When I see

The world around me

Is falling through

A hole in honesty

I realise

That I cannot follow.

I must hold on to my truth

Lest the lies

Make my smiles hollow

But I do wish

I could let go
Of my bounds

And then I would

Be able to

Suffer in ignorance
Like the rest could.

And I have seen myself suffer.
But I will take more pain.
If it means there is a chance.
That there will be a truth,

Shining in the rain.

I feel bitter with gratitude
At the joys you have brought me
And I cannot forget
The way you sought me
Ought from the crowd

Lonely to you was unique
Ugly was beautiful
And tears vanished into laughter

But as to all things
On this world

It did die.
But my heart still sings.
For a floating feeling.
Of you and I.

Butterfly

And after all the rain has fallen

And the night is slowly fading

And I am told

That the light will rise again

Even though I too have smiled

When I was told to smile

And even when I was not

And I felt

That maybe

Through all the clouds

I could finally

Look at the burning rays

Of hope

But they just shone right through me.

My joy is in the past

And although

Still I can feel it

Like a memory

It will vanish

And I wished

Upon my star

Long gone now

That perhaps one of the many people

Would find me.

But it is time to fly

I do not know where
Or how
For my wings, if there

Are fragile and useless

By promises broken
By hurt which was spoken

Or maybe it is not I

Who I must allow to fly
For one cannot rise

In the darkness

I may have a crown

But it is not of gold
For it reflects myself
Alive and yet cold

But as it is truth

It is what I must wear

Until I am told
That without it

No-one will care
That still I shall be me

And without wings

I can be free

For who said you need wings

To fly
I will use the truth
To find the sky
Where at late long last
I can be I

I know that there will always be rain
But if I let go of my fears

And let hope shine out of my tears
I know that I will learn to love
Again

The End Of The Beginning - Day 1

And after I saw

The colours of the world

And it seemed

That once again

The light had shone on hope

I could even laugh

At the darkness

Which I can place behind me

And although

There are still

Mountains the climb

I know that you will always be

At the top of them

Waiting

Homage to Jane Eyre

I understand that

There is something

That shows the truth

To those who seek it

There was a time

Where my eyes

Were too scared

To look inside

And then

I sought a mirror

The fake shine

Shows back

What could not possibly be mine

And then I did lack

The sense to realise

That outsides never do suffice

But then it seemed

I became so withdrawn

Within myself

That could not regain

An utterance of hope

From the deepest fear

Of what lies

Inside.

In both places

At both times

I thought

That perhaps

Only a mere passing

Moment of powerless

Sincerity. This

Insignificant harsh

Charcoal blackened

Self.

Could be seen.

And although I have searched

Amongst every fleeting dream

Every slowly fading memory of a smile

I simply cannot unlearn

What I have learnt.

That in the mirror of your eyes

Just maybe

I could be beautiful.

But it seems I will never know

Your eyes forever closed

Not because you live no more.

But for love I can no longer show

For I am dead to you, I am sure.

-----------

But when the winds

Have stripped us of our leaves

And we are free of lies

Are we the same people

We used to be

And if so

Would our love still die?

2 minutes

Would never be enough

To tell you

The full truth

Of how you are my life

Time will limit

The tears

I must admit

But I would rather

Be in full sorrow

Than staying silent

Throughout

Black and white years

And I must not lie

I do miss you

But that is time long passed

Years long ago

I must now

Place aside

The unsent words

And begin anew

Until I find myself

Locked within your arms

Once more

Storm

But these rays of happiness

Cannot last for long.

I thought perhaps

I had built a shelter

From myself

But in my foolish hope
I built no walls.

But somehow,

They are still falling down.

There is nowhere

Left to hide

From the truth.

From myself.

I cower

In the vain trust

That maybe

I can dream

Back to my past

I prefer

Hollow lies

To this deep truth.

How could I

Have thought

That it could be so simple

The real traitors

Are those within

Not those who told me

Oh so long ago

That things would change.

Can I again

Pick up the pieces

Of a heart broken

That when put together

It only resembles

A broken soul?

Beyond

And when it seems

That all around has fallen

And I am made to break

I look into myself

And find a truth

Which I can hold on to

Hope is closer

To my eyes

It shines through my tears

A star in my sky

The leaves have

Turned to dust

And yet

It seems

From them

Arises a new form

Of life

With pain, of course

And suffering

But still there

I may have been dishonest

When I talked of ashes

I think, maybe

That with the right star

Even from the

Most blackened of hearts

Beauty can rise

And I am so glad

That I have found my star.

You.

Yours

Every word

Is hope.

I lied when I said

I could not love.

You have changed

My all.

I thought

Always, I would be

Alone in the rain

But now

I am sure

That there will be

Someone else

There for me

When you smile

It seems

Like I am whole.

Broken pieces

Mended by your touch.

The nights may be coming faster.

But there is more light

In my life.

Than there ever was.

And it is still raining.

But now.

I can feel your hand on mine.

And I am cold no more.

And I know

We will get through this.

Together.

Promises

I waited.

On paper I drew a heart

And filled it with love

I placed it, for safekeeping

Into a glass bottle

And closed it.

Nothing could get in.

Or out.

But then it was time

For me to throw you out

Into the sea

Where you could be free

You opened up there

And my heart drifted away

You became who you are

And it seems you may stay

But yet I waited

On the same coast

For the same bottle

To return to me

Even then

When you did

My heart was gone

Torn into pieces

By the truth

To me you were empty.

But I knew.

You were filled with truth.

The one thing

That even our love

Could never change

Autumn

Well I cannot forget

My eyes away from this time

Hoping the tears

Will make me blind

From the lies

I am bound to your words

Like a snake to its skin

Until you shed me

Useless once more.

---------------------------

I can't forget this feeling. I sit alone in my room, and I wonder why. I don't even know what to think about. A prisoner in my own home. Well. Maybe not exactly.

Mum says I should go out. But I can't. I look in the mirror. And I feel sick.

She says nothing's wrong with me. Then why does everyone make it seem like there is?

Because Im fat. I can't wear those skimpy shorts. Or those tight jeans. Or those really expensive hollister bikinsis. Or that really nice dress. I can't even talk to people anymore, because I know, whatever I say, they're just thinking one thing.

I thought. Perhaps. That mark, was different. He said that I was beautiful. It was the first time anyone had said that to me, after dad died. I really felt like I was in love with him.

I mean, I was 17, 5 foot 6, and 11 stone.

He said that I had curves. He said I was a real girl, not one of those "plastic breakables" on tv and stuff. I even introduced him to mum, and she was really happy for me, yknow? I felt like, someone actually gave a shit.

I'm still 17, 5 foot 6, and 11 stone. I'm not any prettier, or skinnier. But right now, I feel smaller than I ever had. As I said, I don't want to leave the house anymore.

You see, there was this night, where it was mark's birthday, and well, you know, I was obviously invited, as we were, together then. It was a great night. People actually called me pretty. Which is odd, cos you know, I'm like a size 16 and stuff. Even katie, said I looked bearable. I wish I looked like her. only 8 stone, and 5'9. Shes so pretty. I wish I could be as pretty as anyone at the party that night.

After it was over, and we were all a bit tipsy, and people slowly started going home. I had never spent the night with mark before. Well, you know, me and him had sex, for the first time. I don't remember it much, but I know it was amazing. And he made me feel so special.

Well. I thought it was the first time.

It turns out. It was a lie. He was a lie. A ploy. Just to prove to his stupid skinny good looking friends that he could get me to lose my virginity to a bigoted cunt like him.

3 months of happiness destroyed by a single thing:

The truth.

That no-one will ever love me.

And I know it's true, and to top it off. He's told all his mates. And looks like katie promised to shag him if he could "bring himself to tolerate" me.

Well. I can't tolerate myself, let alone anyone else.

So I

---------------------

I want to be a bird

Walk to the window

I cannot forget

Open it

And fly away

But I am not a bird

I am who I am.

And although I cannot fly

I would die

To be with you.

November

The harsh cold

Makes me hold myself.

For it seems no-one else will.

I pull down the blinds

On the outside

But still

Through the tiny gaps

I feel the pain

For nothing is ever truly locked away

The lights may be dimmed

But I still see clearly

What I cannot do

Like a bird without wings

I fall

Like a heart without a soul

As if I did not know love at all

Without you

I am a spark

That can only ignite more lies

About us

Lack

When I cannot see so clearly

What separates us seems to dissapear

I could reach out

And hold your hand

In the darkness

Like any other

There is a wall of tears

Between you and I

A river that we both have cried

Me for you.

And you for your fears

But in the darkness.

No-one can see who you are.

So do not be afraid.

In the cold air.

I could hold you

Away from warm windows

Where the wind blows

Stripping away any slight

Possibility of hope

That may appear

Without it can you cope?

You say so

But the tears still flow

And your heart says no

To me and I would go

If only I could know

What would become of you

Or what would become of me too.

The rain begins to fall

And I feel it

Harsh truth on my skin

I cannot hide underneath

Layers of lies

The days are shorter now

And I can only think of you

But when I do

I am shadows.

Of something better.

Something I can never be.

In The Air

But then

I can feel the glass breaking

And all of the misery

I tried so hard to keep outside

That I hoped would maybe

Disappear with time

Is here with me.

And even though I try

To escape

I already know it has won

It tears down the silence

In a storm of suffocation

Where nothing is said

And through gritted teeth

I must smile at the seemingly

Beautiful chaos

Because the cracks in the ground

Will soon open up

And I will fall into them

For rather falling

Then having to get up again

Should

It is raining.

Every small, stupid raindrop

Shatters on my window

The running in the wet grass

Free, no-one to stop us

For we know

Our hope will always protect us

I open it.

I feel them burst against my skin

One million stories waiting to be retold

Stuck waiting for a train

That will never fly me home

For only ashes can rise from ashes.

Always spoken to

And yet never heard.

Liquid loss.

As soon

As the sun returns

It seems like

There was never any rain at all

I see you reflected in the flawed puddles

Slowly fading away.

Your Leaf

When I was alone

In the darkness of my truth

And my comforting words

Scratched into the walls

Were closing in on me

I could feel my hope

Being pushed aside

By the shadow of a feeling

Returning

And these small and silent sentences

I cannot retrieve

From the ghosts of my future

Shining in your eyes

But now

The lights are out

And in darkness once more

The walls are wiped clean

A fresh coat of purity

I must try not to damage

I just want to let you know

That I am by your side

Wherever you go

And though the past has died

I still believe in you so