The Beautiful People

After such a long day

And such a long night

I finally come back

And look in the mirror

As I take off my costume

I understand.

There is nothing I am meant to be

Only what I am.

And for once I can see behind me

There are people who can hold me

By the hand

And let me see

What shines from inside of me.

Because that night will pass.

As will every other.

And there will always be another time

Another place

Another surge of emotion

For another face.

But what will always remain

Are the angels in my soul.

Who for the first time

I felt like I knew at all.

I could peel away the golden lace

The lies which tie together 

What I thought was happiness

Or a smile, no matter how big or small.

But now I see, there are some things

I will always treasure.

And I let everything fall to the floor

And I am uncovered

And yet so sure

That there is no more need

To pretend.

When they're near.

I almost feel.

Like my small,

But constant flickering flames

Of real joy, and not just the games

I used to play

Will never end.

For I don't ever want those nights to end.

For at last I can see what is true:
Love is what holds a friend to a friend

And I know I've found love in you.

Alone

But everything you try to say.

It means nothing.

For you don't know

What happens

When your eyes look away.

You don't know

When constantly moving

From one place

To another.

Just in case.

You'll be found

Or rather

Dropped onto

Not so solid ground.

You don't know

What it's like.

Constantly proving 

To yourself

Constantly trying

To be what they say.

To make sure they can't see you

In any other way.

You think that people would be proud.

But all their praise

It's just too loud.

Constantly removing

What I need to be myself

Just so I don't get lost

Left behind the crowd.

Constantly disapproving

From all corners of me

But so justly I must still try

Lest my smile is covered with frost.

Constantly it seems

My path is crossed.

With who others would leave

And then pretend to hide

In between the lies

That they must believe.

But constantly I seek

And I am the voice

For those who cannot speak.

The ears for those who cannot hear

But all the while

Who I am

Becoming who I fear.

Now I cannot remember

The last time I was near

Someone who could listen.

And not just disappear

When tears of happiness.

Just became tears.

Don't think that I have it all.

For there's no-one behind me 

If ever I were to fall.
There never was.
And there never has been.

For that's the problem
With a golden world.
Nothing can get out.
And no-one can get in.

As The Sun Dies

I want to stay in this room forever.
Where if I close the door.
And shut the blinds.
Nothing can get in.
And I can't see anything outside.

I want to be sure.
That I can never get away.
That no matter how hard I try.
This space is where I'll stay.

Because here.
I know myself.
But no-one knows me.
And I fear if I leave
People will see.

If I were to try
To open.
There would always be the chance
That I'd forget who I am.
And that again I would have to pass
Another year by
Waiting for someone, something
To help me stand.

But inside this room.
There is no-one else.

No-one to hurt me
No-one to help me
No-one to leave me
As I am already alone.

No-one to fall for.
As all my emptiness is already known.

But
When something
Has so many times been broken
That the door
Lies useless
That there is nothing
To stop you
From running inside
And destroying everything there ever was.

You end up realizing.

There's no need for a key.
For it's impossible for broken walls to mend.
When you fall back hoping
For someone to catch you.

And when they don't
You must pretend.

That you're meant to fall free.
Into the hold unknown.
Which you have over me.
Even when I'm locked inside myself.
On my own.

Shipwrecked

What if one day all the things we knew were washed away.
And it was just you and I
Stranded on the shore

What if the sun was still shining
But inside my grey heart all I could feel
Was the sinking of that coldness
Which only you could cause.

And try as I may
To catch the flying pages
Of my life I have no say
And slowly the wind erases

So I am left
With blankness all around
But yet still
I am written.

And your words they
Are the waves which crash into my soul
What put me alone here
After it all.

And your eyes they
Are the fears which reach into my heart
They stay there forever.
Without end nor start.

If I could turn back
And walk away.
Don't think for a second
I'd still stay
In this place.
But when all you've known
Is all that's gone.
It seems I long
For the one
Who lacks
Anything

For you can't fall in love with just a face
I know you see me in that way
But I think
Now we're alone together
On this shore.

You'll finally realize.
I'm so much more.

Release

I doubt you can smile like me.

Trapped in a world lacking

Faith and honesty.

But yet I am happy

As it's what I'm told to be.

I don't really thing there is a need.

For your eyes to flicker through my heart

And douse the flame with abandoned flowers

Left until the final hours

And then you let them burn

With your greed.

The hurt gives me strength to fall

To pull you close when we're far apart

Too scared to let you in at all

So I leave us both outside

In the cold, and the dark.

How long have you known me.

Because it seems

You only see

When there is sunshine

Behind the clouds

But at all other times

You don't agree.

And yet you still say

That you feel some pain

At the lack of me being there

But you've never been 

With me through the rain.

And it's just so unfair

That I wan't to push away

And just tell you 

Everything I've felt

Everywhere I fell

Everyone I've seen.

Because you only know

The in between.

They only know the broken pieces

But they see what they wish when they pay the toll

And so slowly the worth decreases

And they dig my grave, my shallow hole

And only your arms

Can stretch far enough

To take me

And break me

But still 

I am a mistake

And your hold is oh so fake

So I grasp you

And then I wake.

I doubt anyone can catch me when I fall.

I doubt there is anyone who knows me at all.

Not Enough

Still the torn letters and broken words
But once thrown into fire
They will always be cold to me.

I had only one desire
And that was slowly taken
To a place where I could not go.

And each time still I am stopped
By people I don't know
But it seems they know me
Too well.
Too far to grasp
Too soon to last.
Too close to how far the apple fell.

And you'd think
That I'd know what has passed.
That I could leave it all behind.
Because honestly
Nothing would become of me.

Nothing's changed.
Maybe the world hasn't been kind.
But still it doesn't mean
That we should have to find
Some impossible place
Out of time and space
Where you can be mine

This cold waiting since I remember
Has been inside my mind.
Trapped in a puzzle
With pieces that will never fit.
So I surround myself
With anything there is
Just so I wont have to admit it.

But everything in the way is fake.
And I promised I'd see things only true.
Which is why I know my heart will break.
Because the only truth I know is you.

Aching

I try to turn away.
But I cannot ignore
The sound of falling rain.

My eyes can be changed.
But each drop
I can hear it face the glass
And every tear
Reminds me of the past.

I thought that perhaps
I could stand outside.
And let myself
Be taken by the storm.

But now something is gone.
Stolen by what was nothing.
By what I should have
Let go.
To falter and flail
In the winds
Which speak your name.

The constant touch
Is a distraction from the lack
Of holding.

If the skies had ears
They would have bled
From the many times
I have called for you.

If the seas had fears
They would be red
With the passion
That I had tried to stop.

But all these years.
Time had been dead.
But all these years.
You'd been here
And the pounding
Of everyone
Can't help me forget
The images I've captured
Escaping from my head.

These people say that they can help you fly away
But they oh so soon realize there is nothing they can say
For like an ominous smile they come and they go
For no hurt has ever crossed their wings, so they don't know

But the truth will take over soon.
And do what they may.
For somehow
You remain.

And burning through my eyes
You the star to my dark moon
The thoughts which could not be had
Are struggling
In vain.

The Day

When my eyes cannot see
Filled with the crystal memories
Of things which could never be
But hurt still can be seen
Within my tears

Like glass
So shallow, yet still I can
Drown myself
In the shards of what
I used to call hope.

Now, no matter how much there sun
There is in the sky
The world is grey, and painfully
I understand,
No longer can I stand alone
No longer can I call this place home
No longer can I watch and wait
For the impossible
Which is you and I.

But forever this is
What seems to be true.
Trapped in a world
Where gold is as worthless
As the thoughts I had
And as the happiness
Which surrounded you.

Through the darkened veil
Hidden, but it always can be seen
Always outside
Always I must sit
And watch as the pride
Takes over your heart
And slowly but surely
I know that all I ever wanted
Faded into
The mess

Where everything else can be found
The ones who fell into hurt
After your caress
After the last words that could never have been said
After now.

The higher you aim.
The more the will fall.
Love is a game.
Where cheating wins
Over all.

And now
It is the day
Where all I have tried
To keep so deep inside
My fears
But with even the smallest smile

I wish I could pack away my soul
And run so many thousand miles
Just to be gone.
Just to be far
From such a place.

I wish I could not say it.
But never have I felt
Like jumping into
The troubled waters.

For the coldness there
Seems to be more warm
Than what is elsewhere
For keeping myself
In glassy ice,
Is better than seeing
The other ones know
That nothing will suffice

Nothing at all.

And yet
it is only
Your glassy eyes.
Which stare back up at I.
For death is so much better
Than the absence of life.

And even then, only to defy
What I hope is the one
Who can feel most like
Who you are.

It seems the brightness is done.
Taken away all the places
That I could have seen.
But never in themselves.
Never has there been
So many places
Where I tread
Where I can still hear your voice
After so many years
It calls for me
But only ever in my head

And there is no-one
That can even begin to realize.
How it feels.
When everyday.
I can feel it. Why?
Burning through me.
And yet I can't say goodbye.

So I sit there.
And I must smile.
And I must try.
For there is nothing more painful.
Than seeing the innocent hurt.
In your unseeing eyes.

The Bridge

On my journey back
For the first time.
I decided to cross
To the other side.

It seemed cold
Iron grey. But so high
And so far away.

Still I tried.
The long slope leading
Up and up
I could see the bars on either side.

Now I can feel the wind
It runs around my arms
My hands
My eyes
I can see where I must go.

Today, I was too scared
To give you a rose.
And it is fair, I suppose
That without a word
Yet whilst speaking
You leave me.

The walk will be hard.
Already tired by giving you my all.
I still try.
The end is so distant
Yet it could be near.
To be free, I must either fly
Or I fall.

So I stand near the rails.
And my heart begins to climb
But you're always out of my reach.
I can see through
The thin walls
Which stop me.
The sky is bleak, and there is no time
For me to think.

But then, out of the wasted hours
Out of the wasted showers
Of tears and hurt and pain
And all just to feel love's power.

I can see.
Where I have never looked.
A single hope.
So small on the ground
I try to speak
But I can't make a sound

There are other ways to fly
And no need to die.

So yet for once, without
Sadness on my face, I jump down
Back onto the bridge
And keep on walking.

Without a doubt, I know
That there is no-one who does not falter.
It seems my silence does the talking
And in you,
There will be a rainbow.

Where I can be
My true colours
So I still try.
And hope that you'll find me.

I wander
To where I think is home.
To a place
Where my heart has not known
But I know shall find it one day.

One day my feet will be on solid ground.
One day my words will make a sound.
One day the petals I threw away
Love me not, or so, I
Will come back and make a rose
And with it I will say
Those three words.
And I will try
But I know not even cold hearted iron
Can stop me
And I will still cry,
But I wish

No matter how low it seems I lie
My hope shall shine through to you
No matter where it seems you are.
And I, rose, flower, whatever you wish
Shall look for you
I shall still try.
Like a star,
High.
But never impossible.
Free, in the sky.

The Wait

You'd think that after
Someone broke down my walls
I would build them
So much stronger.

But it's never only
What's on the outside that's broken.

It takes so much longer.
Every time
To hope that for once
There will be nothing
To tear down whatever defenses
You have left.

This is the glass cage I am in.
The bright black night and I
Get what I deserve

My little flame taken
By the wishes
That I never wanted

Your little game forsaken
And they say there are more fish
In the sea
But no such fish
Could make me
Feel for the first time
That I'm worth something, that I can be
Anything I believe I can be.

And yet my words
Are so out of place
Near the near perfection
That is your face.

The greatest vanishing acts
Are those with no beginning
No middle
And no end.
The story of your undying grace
Which even my weary eyes could not comprehend.

Whilst on the top
Without bounds or braces
I can't look back.
I can't look down.
Only on and up.

But no-one can fly.

I am in the silence
The drop of the pin
Which no-one hears.

I am in violence
The wasted tears.

And out of time
My hands they tremble
With the mere thought
Of what I feel within.
I cannot walk
Nor can I run
I cannot talk
But it seems not speaking
Only means.
That I have given in.
And that the truth has won.

Now paper thin
They have no use at all.
My hopes ones so large
Now seem so small.

Now even the breeze
The whisper of words
From your mouth

Make me burn.

And you'd think
I'm used to all the pain
That I could cope

But it's like being hit
By the same runaway train
It's as stupid as me standing
In the rain, yet again

Waiting for someone who never came.
But yet I still think, in my heart of hearts
There is chance, and that there is love to gain.

But every time it happens.
The hurt is so much more
Powerful, than if I just give up
For once and then I'm sure
There would be nothing.

The clouds have no silver lining.
Sunshine comes and goes.
The real light is always shining.
But where,
It seems like only you know.
And it seems like I play
That either
You
Or I,
Alone.
Can go.

Fly Away

With just one glance.

You can stop the wind within me

From blowing.

Just one more chance.

Though there is so much

And yet nothing between me

And a smile.

But never showing.

I wish the moment would just pass.

That I could look away

For I know nothing can come

Of this. For since when

Does my hope last.

There are some days

Where there is no time.

Where your slight touch

Is too much for everything.

But the feeling never stays.

Yet my lingering tears

Would fly one hundred thousand

Different ways.

To get to you.

Maybe I mistook the look 

In your eyes.

Maybe I thought wrong

For now I despise

Every single minute

Where I can feel you here.

For I know we're an infinity apart.

And that you'll never be here.

You are the laughter I cannot bear to see

You are the storm I cannot weather

You are the life I cannot have. I know

Only if life itself were to live differently.

And only if truth in itself were to vanish, to go

And even then, we could never be together.

For a second or two,

I am lifted up

Oh so high

And everything seems below me

And I think I am free

But then.

You let go.

And back to the cold, hard ground I fall.

You let go.

And it's as if I never knew you at all.

Looking Out

Sometimes I wish that you would see

Past the grey days where all I do

And all I say fades into a crying cloud

Raining so much it seems it'll wash

My own tears away.

A broken bird can never fly free.

And I know there's something broken 

But there's no-one here

To agree.

Before I would watch as the 

Trembling took my voice from me.

But now I try, but still

I know your eyes will become stone

As soon as they lay themselves upon 

The one who looks longingly out

Alone, who sits on the windowsill

Knowing there will always be something

To stop him from falling

But his words are stalling

And he is calling

But no-one seems to hear.

So he waits behind the glass.

Seeing all there is to see.

Dreaming of all there is to be.

And wishing for someone to set him free.

From his loneliness.

Waiting for a miracle,

Waiting for you to come near.

Valentine

The night sky shines, alight with bright lies
Waiting for the morning to come.
Waiting for the change.
Which has already begun.

Waiting for the day where what is dark
Seems oh so much darker than what it seems
And what is hurt
Cuts down into my soul
Like the days where I used to hope and dream

Of a familiar face.
But now in my hands
There are thorns, and the petals long gone.
Flown away to some place afar
The wind will watch over you
And the pain, over me.

And the others stay and smile
And I can feel that
Maybe I could have a place.

But I know that I'd run one million miles.
And leave it all behind.
To be with you.
And just to see your face

There is no such thing as never ending rain
You can always depend
On there to be love, again
Nothing is never
Too broken to mend.

Something so beautiful doesn't have to pretend.
For if roses are red, and violets are blue.
Then I think
I have found something perfect.
I've found it, in you.

Falling

Afterwards
The mask had been taken off
And my eyes could finally see

I could finally breathe in
Fresh sweet air

The world I could feel
But yet
You still slipping away so softly

Suddenly, I feel blinded
And I gasp for air
And I wish to touch
What can never be there.

As foolish as it does appear.
You're the only one I need.
I've never wanted anything so much
Than to even hope
That you could be here.
And that from this useless lie
I can be freed.

It seems you're on to me.
Through my wildest dreams
It seems
That wounds can never heal
When the doors of hope
Are never shut
That you can find me
And you bind me
To your fading shadow of a smile
In the distance, oh so small, but
Still sense your arms behind me
To catch me if I fall
Into such a person
Who was never there at all.

Someday

Though I can never look into your eyes
Their beauty still caught me by surprise
So deeply by what I can only have with lies
And the sickening smiles that flow from your mouth.

Though I can never feel your hand on mine
Your touch still cuts me time after time
They ask how I am and I say I am fine
Apart from the coldest fire which rages in my heart.

Though I can never have you by my side
When you are near I feel I can ride
The strongest tide in a shallow sea
Where without you I am trapped
In a space where I am free.

Though I know that there is nothing you can see
In the frozen wasteland that I am
There are times at night where I still dream
That you are somehow there.
With me, as I stand.

Though I know you and I can never be

I still hope against hope that there can be a way.

For I swear without you life is useless to me

But yet I still live it for you.

Just in case we can be together somehow,

Someday.

Destiny

I walk this road alone.
Without a thought, without a home.
And leaving you so far behind
Is the only way I can make it.

I see this world alone.
Through unexperienced happiness
And touch unknown.
And forgetting is the only way, I find
I can take it.

I hear the birds sing to themselves
At the start of dawn. I must hope
That they don't bring to me
What can turn my heart to life from stone.

In my mind alone, you are the only one
The only thing
Which I can feel. But in truth I know
That my hope must go.
For without you there is no I
And what has not begun is still happening
It's as clear and defined
As the memories from which I run
Flying in the sky
With letters cold, grey, and like warmth they die;
And those are my tears.
And they have already been done.