Random House - III

I thought I was safe.
I built my walls.
I broke my door.
The handle turns,
But opens no more.

I took the key
And locked it deep
Within my fears
And now I keep
Them away from here.

But every so often
I forget to cover
The entire surface
And a small space appears
And it offers me
It's sickening embrace.

You put your hands in my hands.
And I don't feel scared of this place.

And now theres nothing
I can do. I stand on a tower
Made of balanced blocks
And like a risky game,
You take them out
One by one
My shivers never stop
I can't feel the same
I draw myself in.

You offer me your hand
But I close my eyes.

Pretend it never happened.
Because I know that when I open them.
There will only be the crack
The sign that I have crumbled
And that there's no going back.

Cogs - I

I'm scared of of your metal flair
Your crimson cuts of steely hair
Your clockwork smile
Your stony stare.

I try to push away the hands
Nearing 12, my time is up
My feet are frozen in icy glass
Which melts and drips
Into the lighted cup.

It twists and turns and tries to follow
But still my tears they stay inside
Your mechanic hands they try to lift
The lid, but its fastened by my pride.

I can't find where the joint once was.
No screws to unscrew.
No words to renew.
No start and no end.
Just have the live it through.

Ice Cream

In the sunshine, the sweet solid acid it drips

And you stop it from falling. You

Catch its icy warmth with your tongue

And slowly, it melts.

Puddles of silver shudders,

Gleaming in your mouth.

It runs down your chin

It runs down your fingers

And you can hear every drop

And soon it becomes too much.

Desperately, you try to lap it up;

The soothing substitute,

The seemingly safe sparkle.

When it's gone it'll leave you destitute.

1 hour

The minutes scratch away
At the shiny surface. Flaking silver
Caught underneath my skin.

And no matter how hard I try
To shake off the spark
It always ignites,
And I'm surrounded  by the dark.

The once bright platinum,
Has now faded into grey.
And shall join the sea of
Tattered once gleaming guns
And as they are fired they fold
Lost under the new day.

Years of yearning, the constant feeling
The hurting, the hugging, the reeling
The burning.

The cutting, the craving
The running, the raving.

False gold falling from the sky,
For the first time, and everyone they smiled
But still I caught it's cold in my eye.

The tides they turned, and drowned our sense
As the mattress springs they spoke too freely
And betrayal smothered bitter consequence.

My strides, far apart, yet concerned
Walked through childhood like an adult unknown
But I know my direction has been well earned.

My first vice had been perceived,
But into classical stone I wish I had fallen,
Instead of the unwilling arms for which I grieved.

Bitter arrogance changes nothing; a mouse still a mouse
And small unimportant agony I thought had passed
But he had mislaid his trap, and caught in it a house.

Once crumbling it had fled, a contrast
Which I had not predicted.
And now it stands with a heart as vast
As any I could have hoped for.

Still some lay addicted,
The needle of naivety,
The slow heroine-death
As her eyes close constricted.

But then with a window crash
I was brought back.

Still I know you can see
The faint porcelain cracks.
But you have nothing to fear, as you're
Stronger than that.

I realised we cannot hold them too close
Precious, yet proud to baptise
Lie upon lie.

Unlike I imagined, when I let go
There was no breakage.
I had myself pinned to the wall
But cold hard bricks are no different
To the cold hard floor.
And if I fall I will rise
Of that I'm sure.

A tug of war with an invisible rope
You're the only one that's hanging on.
Nothing will happen if you release
Only the imaginary link between us will cease.

Somebody tell me
Why we all try to hold
On to something so free
Just because we are told

That it will hurt unless controlled
But from what I have learnt
When something is burnt
It doesn't have to stay cold.

Somebody tell me
Why we all think
That once it's over, it's over
When everything's on the brink.

Jeans at a wedding

To be joined in communion
A man and a woman
The high judge, the host, of
The masked ball.

White-lie purity hand in hand
With youth encased. They take
Their place, luckily one is exempt
From the chase.

Sin-sweet steps on the
Hallowed ground. And then
She gets there.
Her form is shaking submission
Ignorant to the childish omissions
The cowardly conditions, her tears
They blur into wistful visions.

And then the cold grey mountain, man
Rises to meet his woman.
The actors, they seem to withhold
Their breath. As the scene unfolds
The studio audience laughs and scolds.

The moment of truth. The vows
Are said. Both repeat what is allowed.
Their throats constrict and don't ask how
The deed almost done.

And then pandora opens her box
And the holy circles, finite in meaning
Seem the mock me. Snarling, gleaming.
As if they know, their shine will go
And tarnished gold, bursting, teeming
With things unsaid. And seeming
So lovely.

Exchange of possession. Equality bound
And sometime in the future,
Broken.

Exchange of tokens.
That's all they are.

And then, it's done.
The curtains, they fall. Hiding
The dusty light. It would have
Traveled far, otherwise...

In my eyes:
The moment of truth. The vows
Are dead. Both repeat, no longer proud.
Their throats constrict and cannot complete the task. Now.
They must bow, the performance over.

And I sit.
In my bright blue jeans.
Daring to be disapproved.
Due defiance, ripping at the seams.  

Stone

I thought that where I stood
Was unbreakable. I admit,
When the night fell. Like a shadow from
His throne, cold concrete wasn't
The most comfortable of beds.

In the morning, the distance
Became even more evident. All
I had to do was step,
Once, twice, maybe
thrice, and I'd be into a whole new world.
Full of life and happiness,
But with each step
I'd have to roll a dice,
Which would tell me in it's
Numbered honesty,
Where I could go.

My feet felt warm on the chess board.
I, the pawn, and you, the king.
Opposite sides to the same game.
Opposite sides to the same name.

If I look back, and scream remembrance
Maybe I could claw myself up
And I would lay panting, tearing
On the fossil floor.

But then you held me
And I walked again for the first time
Always forward, never back.
But then you held me
And I pushed the others out of love
Always forward, never back.
And then you held me
And you told me, if I reached the end
Always forward, never back.
I'd no longer be compelled to be,
But I lost you as more than a friend.
You stayed white and I stayed black.

And as I realized, I turned around
And for the very first time, again
I had to pretend, but this time, in reverse
As I reached my grey paradise
But all the squares were broken.
Nothing had changed, and truth's curse
Had shattered their gloom, leaving nothing
Said, nothing to say, nothing spoken
And I tried to pick them up
And as I cried my hands they bled
And now they touch no more.
Feeling is sore, as I remember
The cold concrete of your head.

Random House - II

I don't feel the empty sting.
You've taken it, honey
And then loved away.
Your irksome voice,
Sleeping in my ear.

I remember your wings around me.
Protecting me from the rain.
But without the water, I could not grow.
And my petals they have turned
Dull and grey with fantasies gone astray.

Muffled things you said
I wouldn't want to hear. Best
To keep the clouds far, but I heard
The thunder without the noise.
I felt it prickling my turtle skin.
As you held me close
And told me not to let it in.

Random House - I

I, the recluse, dim the lights.
I close the curtains,
Shut the door.
Though I can never forget
What I saw.

Some may say, that
I am ready too soon
For the night. That all I do
Is lay and wait.
The only lasting impression
I make is that of my head sinking
Into my pillow.
The closest I know to human touch
Are the blankets which I have held so much
That without them I feel alone.

But I know so well,
Where I am.
If there were to be the
Slightest change, if the movement
Of a single volume on the shelf
Were to be arranged,
I would see it before my eyes had opened.
So accustomed, so deranged
Yet so fulfilled.

At this stage I hadn't thought
Of cleaning up. My mess is my own
And I can cope with whatever I've misplaced.
I would have never imagined
That you would still be here,
Patiently defaced,
Happily disgraced.

The Tunnel

Searching for that small thing lost
Slipped underneath some time ago
And now you look towards the stars
Fooling yourself that you've outshone the past.

Scrambling fingers try to grip
The scattering skin. Soon,
They'll be trickling through the bars.
And all you wanted was to be happy.

You stand so high, yet feel so low.
You want to know, yet not to try.
You caress a fading flame,
But soon the wax will slow
And you'll be left untamed.
Lost before you played the game.

Sometimes you'd wait for the hit.
Hold still, and then quick
You'd try to turn your back.
Smother it with words and wit.
But you've forgotten the trick,
And so you're stuck with it.

Sitting on the tracks. In the gloom,
You look towards the smog.
But you know the train will never come.
But the lights have been lit.
And you think you are done.
And in your hands, your punches never thrown
You keep your seeds. Life never grown.
And restlessly, the ticket you can never use.

Searching for those small things lost
You, the quiz-master, him, the quiz
You bet your wings, not knowing the cost:
Never knowing what right is.

Refinement

I tried it once. I promise
You, I did.
The sulking dew on my soaking skin
Soon melted away,
Leaving raw residue.
Shattered grey where you said I would find
The gold at then end of the rainbow, some day.

Now I'm lying ashamed, the only
Arms that will hold me are my own.
In a crowd, but without you I'm so lonely.
Any other's touch will make me alone.

I cannot regret enough.
Trying to run forwards in
This backwards world.
I want your poison, unpolished, rough
Like a hidden diamond I'm looking for.

I wish you could be less transparent.
For now it seems that everyone is searching
For something which wasn't forever apparent
But buried under years of dirt.
I thought I had found you,
In your purest form.
But it seems I walked around you.
And now I'm torn.

Who do I believe?
Should I have kept you,
On that silent day.
Imperfections so sharp they cut through
The beauty.
But I cannot deceive myself.
I let you go, and then wept through
Those moonless nights.
I watched as they took your shine
And you were one with the other lights.
And now you're everyone's.
Everyone's but mine.

Heteronomy I

Like clockwork mice they run around
Drawing painted circles in my mind
So I leave them to their own devices
And wait until their time is tainted

They think they see new plains with
Each of their planned turns
But all they do is forget where they've been
And return with a new game, set, match
That I strike against the coarse ground
But they scamper and scurry away from the heat
Their still shadows on the walls,
Almost perfect and yet so hoarse.

Willing to score out their message
Again, again.
A chorus of echoes
No beginning and no end.

So they stay in their cave,
And  they can follow their trends
But they'll always fear the truth
And like a wallowing wave, at any moment
It can come and wipe out those bitter sands
A broken mind that we cannot mend.

Counter

It's such a shame
You had to go. You took first place
You won the game, but then you
Said you had to leave, and I waved
Goodbye
As you took the board
And you took my piece
And you left with luck
As then it seemed mine ceased.

You won your points
When I was away
You glued together,
Aching joints.
You watched as the puzzle crumbled.

You told me the pieces would fit
And I believed your distorted truth
But soon I could see it
As it leaked water colour,
And it looked like no other
Dripping soaking dry
So I hung it up outside

You won the race.
You overtook and overturned
But in the end you took a fall
And now I've learned
To wait some longer.
So I clutch my dice close to my chest
And hope some day it'll land on six
And then I won't worry about the rest
As you'd be here
And I'd be fixed.

6

I try to grab you
The smoke before the cigarette burn
I know it, I die when I breathe you.
But it's my try, it's my turn.

I see you flung up in the air
As I skid across the dirty ground
I know I'll be stained if I don't move fast
But it's my choice, I'll stay around.

The empty bus with the grimy seats
The sweating no-ones in the heat
Standing when there's space to sit
But still you fall, you take the hit.

And suddenly.
the lights come on.

Detachment.

You sat, legs slightly crossed
On the windowsill. Though

I knew that it couldn't rain on the inside,

I could still feel things were damp.

You laughed, a sound so full

But yet, even with you here,

I felt so empty. You looked out
And I felt my heart clutch
Desperately at words never said.

So instead,

I reached up and brush your cheek,
And as you looked around,

I felt content. Almost as if you were

Back from a journey.

You leaned on tattered patterned tartan cushions,

Saying they still do what they 

Were made to do.

I don't know how you couldn't see

The way they were broken, bent, battered.

But I had to agree.

I couldn't risk setting you free.

The threadbare rug served it's

Multiple uses to us in the past.

Half bed, half sofa, half table.

So many purposes.

Yet not one of them fully fulfilled.

We laid our floor ourselves.

The small rush when the antique pine

Clicked

Into place. We imagined it'd stay forever

Shining, almost gleaming.

But it wasn't real, just plastic.

And after a whole they were scratched,

Bruised, dented. But we convinced ourselves

They should stay where they are.

You put together the lamp.

I remember looking for a shade, until

You told me there wasn't a reason for one.

It would only get in the way.

But sometimes, when you're gone.

I try to sit and read, but it's too bright

And the very thought, brings tears

To my eyes.

We didn't bother with a dimmer.

"All or nothing"

You kept saying that.

Over and over again. And

I found myself believing.

We decided we didn't need curtains.

We had nothing to hide.

No point in deceiving

Not only ourselves, but

Those looking in on what we said

Was just perfect.

In the night, I used to wait for you

Sitting on the bed come sofa come table

But just paranoid, that there was someone else

Peering in from the darkness.

The sofa finally did arrive

All sleek and bright

Almost intrusively so.

But it was fine, we had agreed

That we needed to liven up.

We laughed, we cried, we loved

On that thing.

Now I almost pity it.

It seems lifeless, torn in places

And just...

So dull.

I miss when it used to be

So happily red.

But still I cradle your head.

But with a difference.

After I found the messages

I finally got it. Everything had been 

Ebbing away.

All your words and promises

Turned to ash at my feet.

And as you sat there

On the bed come sofa come table

And begged.

And told me that you were sorry.

But still I saw it in your eyes.

The ones which from that moment on

I could never meet.

You took my trust.

And neatly cut it in two.

I was a half.

And now so are you.

A Day

Once upon a time
I lay in a bed of gold
And as I lay silent sleeping
The garden began to grow

Wild flowers, with their strangely
Coloured blooms, they flourished
In the shameful showers, as you warned
Of sparkling doom, so for I while I accepted
And sat in the colourful gloom
And then understood why I was troubled
And I ran from this perfect place
As they flowers died, malnourished.

But oh, did the rain follow me
It fed the hungry cracks, with teeth
So sharp I tried not to look
Lest I fall victim to the lack

Of what you can an environment
And what I called, a gaol
And then you mocked me for the word
And I thought that I could not prevail

But I skipped into the forest
Where I saw the weary wolf
Who told me he was tired,
And In his scary arms he engulfed-

Me in a fatherly embrace, as of yet
To me unknown, and then  I smiled
As with her grace, she returned from the hood
 And by her shining face, I saw she was with child

“How wonderful it must be!”
Said I, “to bring up what came from the wild
In it”, and even more wonderful was her reply:
“Oh, it fell into place within a minute!”

At that point it was strange, for I thought
I felt the need, to close my ears and hide my eyes!
From what you called the devils creed.

But they were not who I sought.

Onwards I did walk, till
I happened across three bears
I began to shriek and yell
And funnily, they became scared!

They then apologised profusely
For having caused me such a fright
And then a pretty blonde girl asked me
If I would like to stay the night?

Her hair was long and splendid,
Her face a lovely shape, and so
Something which I’m sure must have been forbidden
I carried out, and there was no woe!

Strange I added to myself, after having left
Their care, how all I seemed to know before
Doesn’t really seem to fair
That well in this world well and true
It seems much nicer than home, for sure!

It was nearing noon, when with much dismay
I chanced upon a sleeping man
He soon awoke, and cried out “Wolf!”
And suddenly, from everywhere people ran
Towards this sound and then they sighed
“Not again, but do keep an eye!”

At this time I felt a bit bizarre,
So I followed one of the people home
She told me stories about her pleasant life
But I found out she lived all alone!

“But don’t you want a golden ring?
Or to wear  a sweeping whitened dress?”
At which point a man he just walked in!
And all she said was “sorry dear, I am a mess”
And then she seemed to slyly confess,
That she and this man shared a bed!

In all my years, such a fantasy had never entered my head
For if I were to mention this way back home,
Then surely any hope of living would be dead!

Now I’m no expert, but I could tell
This young couple were quite fond of me
And with such happiness, they kindly asked
If  would like to be with them, in a three!

I was quite shocked, but I declined, and then asked
“Won’t your relationship be worth nothing at all?”
To which they heartily chucked, but then stood fast:
“We’ve done it many times before, and we’ve yet to take a fall”

Oh My! I do wonder how many more I can find
Of people, not ordinary, yet not deaf or blind
In fact, above all, they seem to be quite kind
And I am happy, I have left my old home behind.

For if they knew the way I lived today!
I would no longer be the apple of their eye.
I bit into one, along the way, and no serpent came
And told me why things are the way they are,
And now I know.
People are people.
With or without rings,
Liking apples or oranges, they’re still people
And that’s the most important thing.

Hol

Like a trapped fly, burning in the water
Slowly, sucked into the sinkhole.
Nothing I can do, nothing I can say.
I feel so drained, as arms slip away
Maybe I should just wait.

Like a penguin, dangerously north
Not realising that there's
Different types of cold.

Maybe one day
I'll -
- interrupted, by such sugar coated words.
I want them to stop. For I know what blackened ruins
Of selfish love lay not so deeply beneath the lies.
I tear down the space
I just want for once, some to myself.
Though the door is closed,
And though mine is locked
Too scared to find the long lost key
I lie and say it's a mystery,
As to why
I stay unexposed

I know that I'll never forget what I saw.
As trust lay bleeding on the floor.

I'll be able to open my eyes
Without wishing
I was in a different place.

I know that we're human.
But, sometimes I feel
As if I'm from a different race.

Loose

She lays slowly dying
Syrup dripping from her feathers
As her lust it starts crying
Not knowing whether
It was her fault for trying
To wash away the stink of fear
With an intoxicating musk
Drawing all to her nest
And when dawn becomes dusk
That's when she does her best
To beckon them near


And one by one she takes their needs
Hoping that she can shed her shaking skin
But she only gains another layer
Another regret, another pin
To stick in her silky lair
A mark of happiness; that was never there.


In the end she becomes 
A cuckoo to her mind
She frantically flaps
And realises she cannot fly.


Trapped by her terror.
She knows she must stay, and carry out
What they say every good bird should.
Otherwise where can she go, even
If her wings they start to heal
She is strapped to her fate
Now too late to peel
Away the once honeyed skin
And become herself.


She must live inside a fairytale nightmare
Where her greatest pleasure has become
Her greatest fear, and yet her only force
To make her place in this world, to make others succumb
To what she thought she wanted, but it seems so unfair
And now she waits, and still to scared
Of what she thought could be the source
Of empowerment.


Of course, there is no escape.
She is, in a way, that little bird
That she once was. Held by all,
But the difference is, she is now alone.
Homeless in a home.
Held in by her walls, nowhere to lean
The only difference now.
Is that her cage cannot be seen.

Katharsis

I don't need to take the fruit
And bite into it's thirsty skin
To know the pleasures which I find
Planted deep within it's roots

I don't need to watch the sun
As it melts into the greener grass
To know that day turns into night
The truth from which we try to run.

I don't need to watch myself fall
To know that I'll rise once again
Blistered feet on burning ground
But though always short, I'll be standing tall.

I don't need an extra half
Cos' in myself I'm fully whole
To take my smile and spread it round
That has become my new goal

I don't need shallow advice
Or anything they have to say
In my friends I've found my voice
And I know that will suffice

I don't need pages crossed and bound
To tell me how to live my life
I know what's right, and that's my choice:
I'd rather stay on solid ground.

I don't need you sitting high
A judge in his distant tower
I know the likes of you will tumble
Falling into faulty fire

I don't need no shooting stars
Gleaming from places far away
Who knows if they are what they seem
If it's a wish, then I'll pass

I don't need any forbidden trees
My knowledge comes right from my heart
All things foul and all things false
They falter in the breeze

I don't want anyone; you see
I'm perfectly happy, perfectly free
I can be who I want to be
As love will come eventually.