Happy New Year

I look out of the window.

And I see it all.

They all look so happy.

They all seem, so full of joy.

Walking into the distance,

They slowly vanish.

I open the window.

And I sense it all.

I can sense the rush

The

Surge

Of emotions, the

Excitement, the

Anticipation.

Must be exciting,

The start of a new year.

I place my hand out of the window.

And I can feel it all.  

The cold

The wind

The sting

The pain.

I place my foot on the ledge.

I can think about it all.

This new year

I will not experience.

Maybe then,

Maybe then...

I stand on the window ledge.

I look down.

And then.

I take my step

Into the abyss

Of nothingness

Into the blankness

Into the dark

Though however empty,

Dull

Bland

It seems, it bares no comparison

To what I am used to.

I have figured it all out.

As soon as I take my other foot off the window ledge.

I can stop seeing.

I can stop sensing.

I can stop feeling.

I can stop thinking.

I can stop hurting.

___________________________________________________________

I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Cold

Sitting 

Next to a warm radiator

Wearing

A warm hoody

Sipping

A warm drink

Somewhere, 

It will happen.

Shivering

Under a warm duvet

Withering

Faster than I hoped

Sleeping

Is no longer possible

Somehow,

It will happen.

Stretching

My imagination

Working

My imagination

Straining

My concentration

Someone,

Anyone.

Why can't it be any other day.

Just not today.

I wan't to live to see tomorrow.

As I know, it will be better.

Maybe if I try to forget.

The hoody

The radiator

The warm drink

The fire

The smoke

The smell of burning

I'll stop being so cold.

Fairytale

Your fingers tap impatiently on the desk.

At first, simply a mess

Then settling into a rhythm

Getting faster and faster

Your fingers a blur

And then you stop

A door opens

Out walks your angel

Off you go

Back to your fairytale

As the one who waited with you

Is simply forgotten

Your fingers glide across the keys

Effortlessly creating harmonious melodies

As I watch

It seems the keys

Black and white

Mix into one

Something I could not have imagined

Then again

This

Is

A

Fairytale

A door opens

Out walks your angel

And you leave

I take your place

And place my hands

Adjacent to the keys

But it seems all I can conjure

Is discords

Dissonance echoing

Clashes

Battles

Though it seems

Evem after I raise my foot

Off the pedal

The echo remains

Your fingers create

Staccato rhythms

On the various letters which determine everything

I can not see what you are typing

Though I know that your words will once again

Allow you to fly away

And 

Allow me to continue living my worthless life

I look around

The door opens

The dragon enters

He is evil

His eyes

Bright

Alight

Like the firebirds in slavic folklore

Bringing both luck

And death

His lips

Curled upwards

In a smirk

In his hands

I see

A gun

I think

Maybe if I can slay this beast

I can become part of your fairytale.

I grab his wrist

A shot is fired

You come running

A second shot

I collapse

And a third

And final shot

It is strange

When the dragon is your prince

And even stranger

That we don't live happily ever after

Nearly as strange

As us

Not living at all.

Open

Through the little gap of morality,

A light shines.

Open the doors,

And let the light flood through.

Let it be absorbed by you.

Become the light.

And light the light become you.

After all,

What else can you do?

It's not like you have any strength,

Or any brainpower which to use.

Its not like you have your own mind,

With which between actions, you can choose.

Through a little gap of morality,

Light shines.

Right through you.

And that light,

Becomes a beacon for all darkness.

I'm not being pessimistic.

I'm just being open with you.

Progress

It's been a while.

Maybe that's all I can say.

Maybe I can wake up,

To another day.

Maybe I can arise,

And to my surprise,

The pain is gone.

Maybe I can forget,

The way which in time it is set,

The memories which I 

For so long wanted to remember,

And the way I acted

I thought I would never regret

What is the point,

Of progress for progress' sake?

What is the point

Of all these chances we must take?

What is the point?

Of all these sacrifices we must make?

For there is an end.

And all must come to it.

Sign Here

Raise the pen.

The gold tip seems to gleam in the twilight,

The curves and indentations somehow,

Magnified,

They seem almost surreal in the

Near black of night.

A drop of ink,

Falls

Amost smoothly

From the pen tip, to the paper.

As it flies down,

You see reflected in its gleam,

Faces

Faces

Faces

Of all those,

Whom you are signing off.

Let the pen slowly

slowly,

Touch the paper

The dotted line

Draw the lines and curves of the  D

Scratch out, the points of the E

With force you create the vertex of the A

And with the penultimate T 

You follow with H

You place the lid back on the pen.

Engraved on it: Aim High.

You have done just that,

By signing off millions

To die.

Hammers

Pounding

IN

the back of my head.

I fear to turn,

OR

maybe, I will see you there.

I am scared to run,

AS

I may run towards you.

Faster

Faster

Faster

The hammers hit me

And 

Slower

Slower

Slower

my breathing becomes

Slower

Slower

Slower

my heart beats 

and then

IT

Stops.

Pale

Is it why?

Or is there something else.

For I am too scared to search you,

So,

Please, get up, and talk.

Is it why?

Or was it someone else.

For I am too shocked to leave you,

So,

Please, get up, and walk.

Help me, so I do not cry.

Or shall I also...

It has all drained.

The colour from your face.

The happiness from your cheeks.

The smile on your lips.

And now you are so pale.

Without your blood.

Without your life.

Carol For The Dead

Arise,

Oh, you, who were beloved so long ago

Your time has come again, to shine.

Though your bodies have long gone,

Your spirits remain,

And if you heed my words,

I will free them from pain.

All I say is one thing to thee;

The time of forgiving is once again near.

Just allow it to be one,

All that fear.

Oh, and I know you have made promises.

To those you love

And those you hate

But I ask of you my friends,

How long are prepared to wait?

For as long as you hold these grudges true,

Release will never come and find you.

At this time,

Of the birth of The Son,

Open up your eyes

And run

Towards those whom you so hate

And love them, with all your heart.

And as you know it, and they do not,

Forgive them for their petty crime,

For life is a dream,

That will end sometime.

If Only

How nice would it be.

If we could go back to the people we loved.

And pretend, that nothing happenned.

We could have a fresh start.

We could go for walks, on the beach

In the park

On the street.

We could get a bite,

Something to eat,

Something to drink,

This may seem superficial,

You might think.

Of course, that is impossible

You can not think.

And never will.

If only I could turn back time,

If only

If only

If only I could turn back those hands

if only

if only

But the truth of the matter shall never be forgot:

You are dead.

I am not.

Autobiography

I was never one to wait.

Paranoia subdued my patience.

I needed it all

Here

Now

In front of my eyes

Before I could believe it.

And, sometimes

I wish, that I wasn't like that.

That I could believe without having

To analyse everything

To work it out

To realise

The truth, is too much for me to bear.

I wish,

That I did not need confirmation.

That I did not need utter loyalty.

I simply wish,

That I too, could understand, after being told

Once

maybe Twice.

It is a blessing, some say

That I can figure things out simply by analysing them.

But I tell you.

It is a curse.

Stormcloud

Waiting patiently.

For the time.

The time of our death.

Like a strange

Timer

it slowly ticks down the hours

left of our lives

And when that timer

runs out

it begins

It starts, with only

a

few drops

And you say

"Its only

a little shower"

Of course

As per usual

You

Are

Wrong

Just like you were wrong about

Me,

Our love,

The life we could've had.

So we wait there.

I put my faith into your words.

and the

little shower.

Took them away.

Forever.

Remorse

Its a bit late.

Well, a few hours

Days

Weeks

Months

Years.

Sorry, well, its not enough.

To heal the

Pain

Sorrow

Terror

Heartbreak.

I do not see how you can make it up to me.

I doubt you see it either.

I wonder if you feel true remorse,

feel true emotion

or neither.

Memoirs

There is no such thing as happiness.
Destiny,

Fate,

They all lead to one thing:

Pain.

There is no such thing as love,

Lust,

Passion,

They all lead to one thing:

Hate.

There is no such thing as friendship,

Trust,

Laughter,

They all lead to one thing:

Doom.

And as I reflect on the memoirs which I have been left with.

They represent our happiness,

Love

and

Friendship.

Though now, they are nothing more than reminders of our pain,

Hate,

and our

Doom.