Insurance

It's 1am and still I lay here
Waiting for sweet sleep to come and take me
For dreams filled with hope and joy
To whisper their secrets into my ears
And to hold me hostage within my wishes
Until the ransom arrives: the bitter truth
Which leaves in my mouth, the taste
Of wasted tears.

Although I can feel the cold, I toss
And turn impatiently, and like an unwanted lover
The sheets they entangle me, and trapped within
A spiders web, the soiled silk of a wedding dress
The burning touch of a used caress
Knowing it has embraced another
And you just what remains, the side effects
Of hurt and pain.

You expect that I am as I seem
Curled up into a cold cave of lust
On this dreary night
But beneath the empty eyes
And the fiery cries
You can find a chain

With no lock, and no key.
No way to cut through.
And it binds me to the blood.
But the words, they run free;
Like a blinded bird
It sings, to whomever
But there is no depth to the words
A shallowness lasting forever

But now I cannot speak, yet my words have been heard
And it seems like those early shadows, they flew
And now all that's left is what never occurred
As it's impossible to control what the heart will do.

Murky Waters

I sit in on the banks with my feet in dark water

And splash around hoping they wont get any colder
In the night if I lean right over the edge

I can feel how its like to let go and hold on

And I constantly swing from one side to another

Like an unwanted clock pendulum counting time 

When it's already been years since it was over.

If I hold on tight to the rope and just skim the surface

With my hands, maybe then I will feel the warmth

Through invisible gloves I've been told to wear

But the fear of falling in too deep

Drowns out my tears and then I close my eyes

And wait for sleep and someone who cares

Like a nightmare preacher always there.

The grey sunset neither white or black fills in

The gaps between drying my eyes and washing my lies

Making sure they're clean and ready to be used again and again

And neither love nor hate holds together my soul and my sighs

But yet the amorous noose holds my neck tight

And like a trapped kiss it lets me walk on air.

But yet still broken arms can't hold themselves

So I hang onto all I have left inside

The dawn burns into morning

And the stars look at me, and hide

Quiet screams make no noise in the night

The distant land bound by laws of light

The butterfly who flies too far will die

And here only more than one voice is sane.

And only the wounds offer me their embrace

Then the mirror shatters into a smile

And yet I still sit on the cold dark edge

Knowing that I'll wait for you.
I'll wait a while.

Handful Of Seeds

All roses need time to grow
Otherwise they will bloom too soon
And with such naivety their petals fall
Waiting for dark light before the moon.

All roses need time to live
Lest they lose their thorns and wilt
And with no sting there is no smile
And so they hang their heads in guilt.

All roses need time to die
For otherwise their lives will become dull and grey
Without meaning or purpose
They are held and they cry
The beauty they used to have, now gone.
And all that's left is an endless day.

All people need time to show their
True colors if they want love to be found
Not only for themselves but for those all around
If they never say no
To another chance, if they don't
Allow themselves, to be color bound

For in life and death they'll be remembered.

As people much deeper than shallow roots in the ground.

Yes, roses are meant to be red
And violets are meant to be blue
But you'll be more beautiful than the rainbow
If you are nothing but you.

Lack

The earth, it turns, slowly yet solemnly towards the light

But only one face at a time is lit, and the other can only be seen in shadow.

Whilst you and I sit in the bright, who knows what could be happening

On the other side. Though we believe this is it, our minds stay narrow

And we think and we play and we laugh, as the wide eyes of

The sun and sky watch and mock the little wit which we can show

And greater forces like unwanted moons, follow us where we cannot go.

The glass, half full of emptiness is shaken by the wind

Which drifts through the gaps of doors never closed

Of things never seen, of things which never should have been,

But yet still we think through the pages, of what we have sinned.

Ever since there was a choice, to drink or not from the chalice of red,

We took to the heavens our screams, and hoped one would hear what we said

Alas, may I even have the permission to hope for love supposed

Lest empty air fill my throat, and the beginning shall be exposed

Though with no breath I cannot speak, and therefore the ink

Shall be pinned, to the lies and miseries of all the holiness we dread.

The heart, it beats so faithfully, the voice, it sings like spirits free,

But like all things built on dishonesty, they live to cease and long to become silent.
The faith itself in cruel anger, frowns upon the ones who dare to be

Themselves are maybe they have no place in the rotting words written with rage

Scarring the lives of many, like a never ending age

Trapped in a never changing cage

And those who feel alone, they must sit and lament

And those who are forced to think that they are wrong,
They must believe they are spent

And those who stand on the brink

Of falling into a dried black sea

Are with no compassion pushed off the edge.
For you say, if they would have believed

They would have been allowed to become pure

Washed by the waters, yet I'm so unsure

That such an ocean polluted with
The blood of those seen unfit to have cried

Could ever allow anything true, inside.

The Answer

Broken diamonds into dust, flying dreams I could never catch.
What was love is now called lust, and the touch which I can never match.
Silver lining glitters down, the clouds no longer make a sound,
And now just litter all around, with only guilt and fear attached.
Lost all value, lost all shine.
All that hurt, is now all mine.

Lost all purpose, lost all place.
Lost all power, lost all pace.
Like a mistake in a perfect race.
Easily removed, by stolen grace.

Before I used to pretend it's fine, but
It's like staring at a made up face
So ugly it seemed I must stand aside
And let it do its damage, so scared
I just wept terrified, but now all has been bared
And I feel I have the strength to decide
And I know who really hasn't cared
And I know who's just sat and glared
And I know what must be done
If I wish to be at peace, inside.

The choice has been made
And the course has been run
The fee has been paid
But still I am fined, for being one
With who I am, and not having
To blind myself with where you think
It all begun.

The voice has been raised
And yes I will shout if that's what it'll take.
And yes I've been bruised.
And yes I've been confused.
But I will not be fazed.
And I won't let the glitter get into my eyes
For it's just fake light
And I will not be dazed
By your useless pathetic insight.
I am as important to you as melted ice.
My words could never suffice.
So I just wait till you try to take flight.
And like a weak bird, your wings will fail
And you'll fall so low, and you'll scream and flail
Wishing for someone to take notice and see
To take you out of your misery.
But no-one will.
They'll let you suffer on the floor.
Until you know what you have become.
And when you're sure
Don't forget to cry
For all the tears you've caused.
Your heart, already numb.
Cold from lies.
Your mind, far from dignified.
You wish you'd have paused.
But look, it's too late.
Just accept your fate.
And the flowers that have dried up, and died.
(Covered with blood, shit, and cum
Your favorite fluids, and then some)

Irony

The frozen ones will drift from you

Hurt by the warmth

They cannot take the light

So in jealousy they take flight.

The broken ones will wish for you

Shelter from the rain.
And in your arms they speak for you.

And you feel hope again.

The weak ones from run you

Scared of being pulled in by truth

Scared of what others have said for you

The ones lacking feeling or ruth.

The faces, once beaming 

Now so far away.

And amidst honest screaming.

They laugh at you today.

But even though they do so.

And in naivety take flight.

They cannot stop you shining.

Wholesome, pure, and bright. 

Masquerade

This time

I told myself I'd dim the lights.

And hang up my mask

On the wall to cry.

That I would find

What others say

Could never be to far to try

But all I saw is what I don't need

Not the smiling image which proceeds

Just the tainted tools which tempt

Our arms to reach out

To embrace the poisoned seeds

And plant them deep in our once pure

Minds

And now like eyes they 

Seek and pry

And dare to dream of times gone by

And wish to tear the lives and lies

And from the earth

They crush the air

Like strangled vines bitten in a snare

The windows shut, and all despair

Is heard in the sighs

Of the lovers' lair

And petty looks can take us there

But when curtains call

The actors care

And they stop in their game

And play no more

The act of pretending

Gone sour and sore

The bruising of shadows now insecure

And it seems dignity's not worth defending

But it seems only yesterday I was so sure

That all in grey could be a happy ending

Camden Lock

There was sunshine today.

But nothing can shine through

Murky waters so unclear

Where saddened smiles

Sit on the banks

Hanging on for another year

Knowing the time is near

But not counting the chances

As they pass. Just waiting

For their reflections 

To change from reality

To what they want to be, and then

At last, as the light dances

On the small shivering waves

And all they know 

Vanishes in a thousand directions

They still sit

And try to find

The pieces, but now they are seen

They seem not to fit

Neither here, nor in the mind.

They look for strength in their 

Hearts, though they realize too late

So they lock away past parts

Behind the blackened gate.

And they let blackened hate

Swim into their fate

And now all thats left is the weight

Of what they used to see.

And with relish they throw it

Far, far away

Thinking that's what will set them free.

If only they knew

That with what has gone

They have lost some of themselves

In the pasts that they threw

But now nothing can delve

Deep into the opaque

Its closed to everyone.

And soon the lies, the bonds, they break

And one by one they rise 

To the surface, ignited by the sun

What they used to be.

It's like denying water in a lake

It's like flying caged for flying's sake

It's a painful truth that's always fake

A forever lasting mistake.

But soon, on the edges, life will grow

And you can be you, and you'll see it so

As a broken depth is what it will take

And not only a surface, to keep awake.

You and I

We constantly play hide and seek

And even when the lock is dry

I still won't be able to say goodbye.

As long as the stars are awake

And as long as I am alive

I still think that you're beautifully unique
And not a freak, no matter what's at stake
And that's all you need to know

To survive,

Roses

And even though they're wilting
And it seems the sense of life is gone
I languish in the quilting
Of our memories, and I hold on.

And even though the smell, it stings
With what once could have been
I embrace those little things
And the world we were once in.

When the leaves are falling down
Though it hurts, in my hands I hold
The thorns, only then I can understand
All there is of beauty, and
Not only what I am told.

But in the end, the petals float
On the wings of freedom
So far away

Only then can they be seen by all
And then my heart will not grow cold
Only when the flower falls
I am happy, in knowing

Only then, will the smiles unfold

Only then, love will not be remote

And only then,

That what for me is dust, can be
Others' gold
And only then,
Will there be hope in the things I wrote.

When roses grow old
And the stems turn to love again
Not the flowers
For they will wilt, but
The feelings behind them, will remain.

Fire

The smell of smoke, it clings to me
Though years have passed till I saw fires
And as the ash rose above our heads
We gave in to our coldest desires

The voice of hurt, it sings to me
Through the frozen glass and frosted panes
Still burning behind long lost lamps
But all their light shall be in vain

The hand of fate, it flings to me
Shattered roses and thorns so bright
Their wasted tears shine through the night
Stronger than anything.

Looking back, all I can see
Are the abandoned feelings lost in abandoned flames
Too soon, so I took flight, too scared to tame.
Now too different to try and feel again.

But when there is nothing in between.
There stands a person, not of smoke or mirrors
But of truth. And for once the fog it clears
And reality, it appears.
And for once, after all these years
A heart can be seen.

The sense of you, it brings to me
The greatest warmth and yet only the smallest touch
The aching burns and yet I am happy such
Yet I hope for more than I can be
But, like you, it's
Just enough. And not too much.

Little Things

Like a charm-bracelet, set aside
Thinking it will shine when all else has died
Though slowly each little beauty falls apart
And all thats left is broken gold
And like ash to a flame,
It is what's left of my heart.

You think that always, it will fly back
A bound  bird, always flying around,
And around, in circles, searching
For something it won't ever see
Tied away in a hurtful lie, safe
And silent, it waits for the sound
Of laughters tame, and tears so lame
That the hours all become minutes
And soon seconds will start
Becoming moments, and then nothing
As the voices lose their fame.

But it seems with so much more strength
The people go, and the footsteps
Closer and yet, make me seem so much further
Away from you. Soon, like an army of sand
Through my fingers, the chance has gone
But still I must walk on, maybe behind
And maybe the last, but still I hold onto my faith
In myself and I hold fast, for I know
There is nothing in pain
When you always know why, and
When you can let go of your tears
And bid your fears goodbye

It will take so long, that it feels
Like all feeling is gone, and yes, you may wish
That in truth, that was all. But if you cannot look
Back and you cannot find
Where you were before, you will always fall
And if you're not sure, that now you
Can look on, without looking down
And seeing the cracks on the abused floor
And the clouds drawn so tight
As if they wish the sun to light up
The world once more
Then all will be in darkness
And light will be nothing to strive for.

And so
Higher and higher
With broken wings I fly
Daring someone to tell me
That I cannot reach the sky.