Autumn

Well I cannot forget

My eyes away from this time

Hoping the tears

Will make me blind

From the lies

I am bound to your words

Like a snake to its skin

Until you shed me

Useless once more.

---------------------------

I can't forget this feeling. I sit alone in my room, and I wonder why. I don't even know what to think about. A prisoner in my own home. Well. Maybe not exactly.

Mum says I should go out. But I can't. I look in the mirror. And I feel sick.

She says nothing's wrong with me. Then why does everyone make it seem like there is?

Because Im fat. I can't wear those skimpy shorts. Or those tight jeans. Or those really expensive hollister bikinsis. Or that really nice dress. I can't even talk to people anymore, because I know, whatever I say, they're just thinking one thing.

I thought. Perhaps. That mark, was different. He said that I was beautiful. It was the first time anyone had said that to me, after dad died. I really felt like I was in love with him.

I mean, I was 17, 5 foot 6, and 11 stone.

He said that I had curves. He said I was a real girl, not one of those "plastic breakables" on tv and stuff. I even introduced him to mum, and she was really happy for me, yknow? I felt like, someone actually gave a shit.

I'm still 17, 5 foot 6, and 11 stone. I'm not any prettier, or skinnier. But right now, I feel smaller than I ever had. As I said, I don't want to leave the house anymore.

You see, there was this night, where it was mark's birthday, and well, you know, I was obviously invited, as we were, together then. It was a great night. People actually called me pretty. Which is odd, cos you know, I'm like a size 16 and stuff. Even katie, said I looked bearable. I wish I looked like her. only 8 stone, and 5'9. Shes so pretty. I wish I could be as pretty as anyone at the party that night.

After it was over, and we were all a bit tipsy, and people slowly started going home. I had never spent the night with mark before. Well, you know, me and him had sex, for the first time. I don't remember it much, but I know it was amazing. And he made me feel so special.

Well. I thought it was the first time.

It turns out. It was a lie. He was a lie. A ploy. Just to prove to his stupid skinny good looking friends that he could get me to lose my virginity to a bigoted cunt like him.

3 months of happiness destroyed by a single thing:

The truth.

That no-one will ever love me.

And I know it's true, and to top it off. He's told all his mates. And looks like katie promised to shag him if he could "bring himself to tolerate" me.

Well. I can't tolerate myself, let alone anyone else.

So I

---------------------

I want to be a bird

Walk to the window

I cannot forget

Open it

And fly away

But I am not a bird

I am who I am.

And although I cannot fly

I would die

To be with you.